GremlinDelirium

Tatered and torn
My feelings destroyed
Gathering my fallen self
I can't take this puzzle

Searching for my key
Let me unlock the future
To want a connection
Looking for what is not there

Help me find my sanitarium
Reach out and touch my existence
The semblance uneasy
Lost without familiarity

Darkness becoming my thoughts
A tear forms
Show me the way out

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thoughts fly by
Here I am, left in the open
Open wounds I don't feel like taking care of
Leave me here to bleed
I have my friend in my hands
Ready to give me my final release
A single tear rolls down my cheek
My friend has no feeling but to be cold to the touch
Lifting my friend up in the air, I bring my head close
Asking my final questions I get ready to use my friend
Realizing how foolish I had been, something flashes before me
I struggle with my mystic demon
Lose grasp of my friend
What was I doing? Why am I here?
Take me away, this depression hurts.

__________________
Go Cougs!
~WSU~

Jaron

Thanks for sharing, Gremlin.

I actually preferred the first one, because of the rythem that seems to be lacking in the second one. Your style seems to be somewhere between free verse and "normal" four-line stanzas, and it seems to work quite well for you. Your second one, however, lacks the solidarity, seeming to be more something between free verse and prose. Almost disjointed in some places. However, you DO have an exceptional way of getting your themes across, so I must applaud you for that.

*doffs hat*

*swings cane, walking off*

World's King

Nice work. Keep sharing.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

RelaX

Actually, I like the second one better... probably because I can understand it better, the former one seems to me to be less coherent then the later one. Maybe this is just because english is not my first language, but still...
Anyway, thanks for sharing man, I'm looking forward to reading more.

__________________
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
- Nathaniel Borenstein

RelaX

Actually, I like the second one better... probably because I can understand it better, the former one seems to me to be less coherent then the later one. Maybe this is just because english is not my first language, but still...
Anyway, thanks for sharing man, I'm looking forward to reading more.

__________________
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
- Nathaniel Borenstein

J.R.V.A.

You can say that again lol
Very good writing, I like the feeling that flows in your words.
Post more, I enjoyed reading them. Thanks

__________________
And as she plays,
her sweet song of laughter
floats through the air
and warms my heart