girldetective

High drama story here. Worrisome. Bizarre. Dont know what to make of it.

Coco is a friend of 25 yrs who I have been out of touch with for 10 yrs. She has recently moved back to town, and in fact she lives across from where I work. We know each other very well, and know the others' families (including extended) and histories, the good and the bad. She comes from good stock and was married long-term to a very powerful man, the envy of many. She divorced and had a very rich settlement (which she most likely deserved).

1) A wk or 2 ago Coco met a man at a parade and went to coffee with him and then on a date or two. This last Thursday she loaned him her Prius and her bank card, and he stole her car. She reported it stolen when he didnt show up by morning. The policeman told her that this man had a record (I dont know crimes). Prior to this the man had called her and told her to report her car stolen, that someone had stolen it from him. She said he was very upset and told her that he had gone with his two adult sons to a strip joint and that a woman there had given him some drug that put him to sleep and had stolen her car! What?! I thought. When I spoke with her after this she had secured her rental and contacted her insurance co, and she was feeling sheepish about her poor judgement.

2) Last night as i was leaving work she was at the door and wondered if I might like to have a drink. Over a Dark and Stormy she told me that she got her car back with damage (the car is generally a mess and the roof is caved in, things are missing from the trunk). She got the car back with the man who stole it, who showed up at her door at 3a to take her to find it. It is so involved its ludicrous, just realize it was nuts. I mean really nuts, and the police were involved in passive way. I mention this because this policeman ran the boyfriend too and told her "he is a bad man". Somewhere in these dangerous shenanigans this boyfriend took $200 from her purse (in which she seemed to take some delight in calling him on it?) What?!

3) Continuing with last night's conversation : After they retrieved her car, they went for coffee and back to her house. Then they went shopping for new clothes for him, including new Gucci sunglasses. This is a man who she knows is on probation and who has been out of jail for only a short time for some domestic thing (Im unclear what). She told me that she felt afraid of him and had told him that. She likes that he calls her "baby". What?!

4) When I came back to our table after using the restroom, Coco is beaming with excitement because this boyfriend is coming over for a drink with us. He was at home (her home) ironing his new clothes as they were going out dancing later. He showed up 15-20 minutes later maybe. Until this moment i was stubbornly willing to give him the benefit of the doubt because Coco was so smitten. However, as soon as met him I knew he was trouble, and not even good-looking trouble at that. Interestingly, I knew right away that he knew that I had his number. I felt a cold shiver. What?!

5) BUT WAIT, thats not all. He is moving in with her. Let me repeat that - he is moving in with her!!! Actually, i think he already has. Whaaaat?!

Coco is a mature woman who has lost her mind apparently, or she is playing a very dangerous game. I wonder if she is really nuts or if she is looking for fun in all the wrong places. She is giddy, manic. She is a pillar of the community who I am watching right before my very eyes go straight down. I am afraid for her. I have always known her to be a shrewd woman who purports herself well. She is a somewhat well known person in the community at large, with some her private life having been privy to the public.

I am not sure how to help her. This is not something I would want her family to know about, and I do not intend to tell them at this time. As far as I know I am only one of two people she has told about this, and I dont know the other person so cannot powwow with them. What would you do if you were in my situation? What are my options and their likely outcomes? Or is it even any of my business?

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As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

Shauk

eh, it's her life. She's not going to listen to you. Sad to say.

As soon as you said the whole bit about the strip club, I laughed. They dont serve drinks at the strip clubs around here (i'm assuming this is how he says he was drugged?), 2ndly, how would she even know where he was parked?

that whole story is a sham.

Jinn

Wow. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do for her other than let her know that she can get love without the craziness. This seems like a flashback to a childhood where she had an abusive relationship with an adult, one who made her believe that the only way she'd be loved would be to put up with their destructive behaviors.

There's very little you can do for an adult who hasn't shaken this feeling, because they think they're acting independently of their past and their own belief systems.

I don't know about Seattle, but here there are two kinds of strip clubs:

21 and up, alcohol served, only topless nudity.
18 and up, no alcohol served, full nudity.

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The_Jazz

Smart people do stupid things sometimes. Hopefully she'll snap out of it before he burns through all her money.

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Cynthetiq

ahh.. people love to create their own drama and then wonder why they live with such drama...

life is like all the reality shows... right?

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snowy

It's the same in Portland, where girldetective is.

And yes, your friend sounds like a drama mama...sad to say, there's nothing you can do about that. If she wants to ruin her life, she's going to.

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Leto

And the ones in the GTA - 19 and up, full nudity, and alcohol served. But it gets better, in Quebec, it's 18 and up.

but if there's no booze what's the point? oh ya, boobies.

DaveOrion

Or she ends up dead. Its only a matter of time before she wises up; these types don't take rejection well.

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Jinn

There's no full nudity in GTA4..

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Willravel

I don't associate with people like this. They tend to put you in very codependent situations.

Shauk

ah well, I don't go to strip clubs (not that I have anything against them, just don't think I wanna head out there by myself)

I just go by second hand accounts

blarrr.

anyway, regardless, my 2nd caveat stands

ngdawg

We used to call that the "wounded bird syndrome". Women who take in obvious losers because they think they're the only ones in the world who can 'rehabilitate' them.
It's a drama that gives them the spotlight, win or lose. Until she realizes that takers only strip her down of everything, she will continue to bask in the loser's spotlight.
I'd say "see ya til you wake up" if you really can't deal with it all.

girldetective

>>I don't associate with people like this. They tend to put you in very codependent situations. - Willravel<<

Thats the thing. I dont either, or at least I thought I didnt. I guess now I do. I dont like it. Not any of it. At the same time I like my friend. Or I thought I did. What are the boundaries of friendship anyway?

__________________
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

Hain

Will said it right, and you are right to follow it. If I were you, I would tell her that her choices deeply worry me and that I am going to distance myself if she continues to make some very bad choices and poor judgments.

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girldetective

>>I don't associate with people like this. They tend to put you in very codependent situations. - Willravel<<


When I was writing this post I thought to myself about this too, and how the sound of it is so, I dont know, funky. But this woman is not funky. Im telling you, she is a beautiful, smart, bright woman. She is educated and knows how to work a room. She has always been as sharp as a tack. Her divorce settlement, without any of the children's money just hers alone, was $17 mil. She is a valuable philanthropist and creative. She has beautiful taste and is socially conscious. I like her and care about her.

There is something so wrong here.

__________________
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

Willravel

When she crosses the line and you feel that you're becoming codependent or that she is hurting you in some way and you feel that she will not self-correct, it may be time to give her some space.

Glory's Sun

what's wrong with people? well.. basically everything.

This chick just wants to feel needed. it's pretty simple. lots of girls do this. they go for the loser guy in hopes they can change them or because they are just short on self esteem at the moment.

Hain

I don't know the reasons for the divorce but that could be something that is contributing to what you see as a her out-of-character behavior. Her divorce could have loosened the screw somewhere and she is looking for the first greasy monkey to tighten it again. Don't be offended but this is my latest impression.

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Willravel

Are you saying she's looking for a monkey to screw?

Hain

Why must you see through my attempts at hiding my claims girldetective's friend is into bestiality?


No, I am comparing the boyfriend to a monkey, and is greasy (as in low down scoundrel).

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robot_parade

I feel for you, and your friend with the shit finally hits the fan in her 'relationship'. We can only hope that she comes out of it relatively unscarred. The fact of the matter is, you can't tell her what to do, even when the things she's doing are so obviously self-destructive. You can certainly warn her, but if she won't listen, there's not much else you can do - *unless* this guy has a warrant out for his arrest, or is guilty of a crime for which there is evidence the police can follow up on. I assume she didn't press charges about the car thing, or the money that he stole from her purse. I can't even begin to try to psychoanalyze why she's doing what she's doing, but it happens.

The best advice I can think to give is to take your *own* advice to her: stay away from this guy, even if it means staying away from her in the process.

girldetective

Oh absolutely. Without a doubt.

__________________
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

lotsofmagnets

ngdawg is right. tell her to call you next when she finds her mind. don´t get sucked into others´ problems

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she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

thespian86

Agreed. And also w/ divorce trauma; first thing that came to mind. She needs to take a breath and until then try your best to ignore the fact that you are friends; otherwise you'll be dragged into an unholy mess of hell.

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girldetective

This is what Im thinking. Im thinking that I might invite Coco for a drink tomorrow after work and tell her in a buttery smooth way, over a drink, that this is not the man for her. Then I am excusing myself from the situation. I do not want to be involved but I do not want to not do something. So this is what I am willing to do. Of course I will not announce that I am excusing myself, instead I will just stand back. As long as she is involved with this man, I can not be involved. Again it is too adult for me. So there you go.

Sound reasonable? Is it responsible and caring enough, without being too involved?

__________________
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

Manic_Skafe

Certainly sounds reasonable and caring enough.

But if she's willing enough to put herself in such a situation then I wouldn't expect reason and logic to affect in any way her assessment of whether or not this guy and their issues will take a toll on you and your friendship with her.

Just do it however it may be done. I'd just send a letter and refuse her calls and visits until certain that she and he were done.

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lotsofmagnets

to me it sounds very reasonable. best of luck

__________________
mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

Leto

Huh? GTA 4 what?

- but there always have been, since I was 18.

girldetective

So I left a message for Coco about meeting for a drink. She did not answer either of her phones this am, nor do I see her car.

__________________
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

girldetective

I dont know that anyone cares about this, but I dug up this old bit about Coco because shes had a change in her life. She married last weekend to a semi-retired terrorist negotiator. A handsome man that is just her right size. They met late Aug, and married late Nov. Its a good match and one that I think will last even though it was fast. Everyone is happy about it. After she bought a place for the felon out of state and got him behind her, she was just sort of biding her time in a depressed way and this guy came along from her high school and college days. He is in love with her it is plain to see. They sparkle.

I think we all figure a terrorist negotiator can keep her out of trouble, and help her to handle her mood swings.
Funny though. She seems less swingy and more stable with this fella, as if she respects him, and loves him too.
Good all 'round.

__________________
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

Xerxys

Just like shauk said, girldetective, I wonder if you watch this spanish soap called "La Madrastra" ... it is really great and I have a link for you!

>>LINK<<

girldetective

I dont watch soap operas, I work.
However, I know someone who apparently lives one.

This is dramatic, but true.

__________________
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

genuinegirly

It is good to hear that she has regained balance in her life. What an interesting life.

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