Why do women Gossip? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Sweetpea · 05-18-2005, 08:52 PM

So, i just got back from spending some time with my gal friends . . . and the topic most of the time was . . . you guessed it . . . gossip.

I was getting fed up with it, so i finally said "why can't we talk about something else . . ." I brought up a different topic, a.k.a. something that is actually going on in the world and they said i was being "too serious" and returned to the scheduled programming of somewhat negative gossip . . .

I do it too sometimes and i wonder . . .

Is it a guilty pleasure?

When does it go too far?

Why do we waste our time with it??

Why do women gossip, especially about other women?

Sweet Pea

BlueBongo · 05-18-2005, 10:39 PM

I couldn't say. I think everyone gossips though. Even guys do it... they just aren't as open about admitting that they do it.. (at least the guys that I know, anyway). I think in many ways people gossip to sort of figure out whats going on in others' lives.. be it being nosey or just wondering what's happening.
I suppose it helps us realize what we do, or in some cases do not, have in our own lives. Sort of a mechanism in communication, I'd think.

abaya · 05-18-2005, 10:43 PM

There is an anthropological book about how gossip is sort of a leftover trait from when we, as primates, groomed each other.

Yes, telling secrets about other people is the equivalent of sitting around, picking fleas out of each other's fur.

I think that when done in moderation, it helps people to feel more connected and closer to one another. Personally, if someone asks me specifically to not tell anyone else, I respect that. I do not say a WORD. However, if it's an observation that would help other people know more about a situation (say, a good friend is having a hard time but doesn't want to ask for help, but if everyone else knows then they can help her indirectly), then I think it's good.

Squishor · 05-19-2005, 05:53 AM

I know lots of men who gossip openly.

Also from an anthropological point of view, I've heard it said that back in the hunter-gatherer days, the women (who presumably stayed home caring for the children and tending the home fires) were responsible for creating a lot of the social structures within society. As such, they have taken a more intense interest in social mechanisms and all the details and particulars of the group they inhabit. Gossip is derivative/left over from those practices.

raeanna74 · 05-19-2005, 06:30 AM

I think that in part it seems to happen with women because they simply talk more. Having a larger volume of conversation is just going to increase the likelyhood of some of it being gossip.

That being said, though I catch myself gossiping at times, I try not to and I dislike it when other's do so as well. I have shied away from talking to other women who shared delicate gossip information with me because "A dog that brings a bone will carry a bone." Someone who gossips often is someone you can't trust with your secrets.

I find that people in a church, regardless of gender, tend to gossip a LOT. Perhaps it's the intimacy created by sharing a spiritual connection, I'm not sure. I do know that at least in Baptist churches it's common to hear "Oh would you pray for ..." and in the end it's just a big bit of gossip that half the people never "pray" for but love to pass on. Gossip disguised as some self-righteous passing of information - YUCK!

JustJess · 05-19-2005, 06:50 AM

As long as no one's being malicious (ala desperate housewives or some such), I see no real harm in it. I definitely gossip with my husband, and sometimes it can be quite silly and fun! I think gossip is a negative activity when it's combined with "cattiness", and that's probably what most people associate gossip with. Talking about how a friend A got a new job, and he/she'll be doing such and so, but of course s/he probably got the job because his/her dad works there... eh, harmless. But saying/passing on assumptions such as friend B got the job because he/she slept with the hiring manager is rather nasty.
I think of most friendly sorts of gossip as just news-passing - sharing information about the community you're in. The negativity comes when people use it as a weapon instead. I think women are associated with that because we are the more social/communicative half of the species usually, and we have learned more efficiently how to use language and communication as weapons in 'social warfare'.

Meditrina · 05-19-2005, 07:02 AM

I work in an office of about 70 people, only a handful of them are men. In the beginning, I noticed alot of people gossiping and I went along with it, I really wanted to fit in. I started feeling guilty about it, because most of the gossip was bad. I think the word "gossip" has a bad implication to it anyway, is there ever good gossip? There might be, but not here. So I stopped gossiping. Of course, now I don't talk to many of the people here, but I'd rather not talk then talk bad about someone without knowing all the real details. I hope I am making sense here. It is time for another cup of coffee.

I think what I was trying to say is that maybe women gossip to fit in. That is just an observation from my personal experience.

Squishor · 05-19-2005, 07:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by raeanna74

I think that in part it seems to happen with women because they simply talk more. Having a larger volume of conversation is just going to increase the likelyhood of some of it being gossip.

Actually I've read that studies show that men spend more time talking than women. They just don't tend to talk about each other, I guess.

I frequently encounter something like this in my job, as I have to interview people's co-workers and ask whether they talk much and, if so, do they know about the other person's life outside of work. It always amazes me when I interview men and they say they talk all the time but know nothing about each other's lives. It happens all the time.

la petite moi · 05-19-2005, 09:10 AM

A response from our male member feelgood:

It's a natural thing. Us men do the same thing. I think from human perspective, we all want to know things that aren't accessible to us.

For example, I want to know why that guy's old lady kicked him out of the house.

To put into another perspective, why are reality tv so popular these days? Reality tv shows are kinda a television version of gossip. They hold no real meaning or they don't show any real story line, it's just reality.

Gossip is not just limited to women.

Seeker · 05-19-2005, 04:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sportswidow05

I think the word "gossip" has a bad implication to it anyway, is there ever good gossip?

Hey sportswidow.. I can so relate to your situation. I feel for you, it's not plesant. I've currently met a new group of women.. and boy, they do gossip! But I find it's positive gossip.. they will discuss an awkward situation of a friend and then scheme to help them in a way that is best for everyone. So they gossip, but not negitively... that's why they blow me away.. finally I can be around women I actually like!

just my two cents

Lead543 · 05-20-2005, 09:23 AM

My mom gossips to meeeee. But usually what she talks about is things that're happening with people, it's all true stuff, and never talked about in a negative light.

I used to have lots of girls gossip about me. Why? Because I'm too pretty for my own good. Hehe. Seriously though, I find girls my age *18 and under* do it mostly because they're threatened by another female. So they'll gossip and in that gossiping time, make up lies, bend the truth, etc. Women can be very competetive, especially with other women. I think gossip is used as an attempt to level the playing field.

I think gossip is fine until it becomes cruel. Passing along information about someone you both know is fine, making something up, not cool. Not everybody wants to discuss world issues when they get together. My dad and stepmom came to visit last night, we briefly discussed what was going on in the government in Canada and then switched to discussing what everyone was doing for the summer, mutual friends, family members, etc.

Gilda · 05-20-2005, 05:49 PM

I can't really address this, as I have no female friends, but the guys I hang out with talk a lot, but it tends to be about computer games, comic books, electronics, sci-fi, whether Linda Park or Grace Park is hotter (answer: Grace), etc. In other words, they tend to talk about things and events, rather than people they know and personal interaction. I don't think any of us care diddly squat about wether Russel Crowe is a nice guy, because we don't have to interact with him personally, just whether he's right for the roles he plays, because we do interact with his performances. Since I come here for that kind of stuff, discussion of how people interact with others, I'm with them.

However I feel I cannot leave the thread without sharing this:

Now, we're not ones to go 'round spreadin' rumors,
Why, really we're just not the gossipy kind,
No, you'll never hear one of us repeating gossip,
So you'd better be sure and listen close the first time.

I knew that word for word from memory. I'm so ashamed.

twinkle · 05-20-2005, 08:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustJess

As long as no one's being malicious (ala desperate housewives or some such), I see no real harm in it. I definitely gossip with my husband, and sometimes it can be quite silly and fun! I think gossip is a negative activity when it's combined with "cattiness", and that's probably what most people associate gossip with.

I was just wondering... is it still catty if the gossip is TRUE?

For example, you know an acquaintance slept with a married man. She's not made a secret of the fact, except she doesn't want his wife to know. Is it malicious to talk about it? Or is she just asking for it?

maleficent · 05-20-2005, 08:21 PM

Men gossip just as much, even more so than women do, only they arent doing to be hurtful or mean - I swear they are bragging...

I personally hate gossip, and would never say anyhting behid someone's back that I wouldn't say to their face... If the gossiping people can't do that- then what they are doing is wrong.

I am always amazed at what people tell me... and sometimes I wonder if they are telling deeply personal things to get people to talk about them... I tend to not talk about other people... I'm not sure whether it's I just don't care what they are doing, of there are other things that are more interesting....

ShaniFaye · 05-21-2005, 05:25 PM

I consider gossip anything said about someone that you wouldnt say about them if they were sitting there.....I dont take part in that.....If I wont say it to your face I wont say it behind your back, some people fault me for that though, cause Im an honest person and there isnt much I wont say to someone's face

cellophanedeity · 05-22-2005, 12:40 PM

The people I hang out with (mostly geekboys) aren't really into gossip. But, once in a while, hearing what someone is up to can be fun. "Did you hear that so-and-so has a new girlfriend? She's really hot!"

I figure that as long as it's not malicious and it's something that you wouldn't mind letting the person spoken about hear, then it's fine! Perhaps that's more just casual talk about someone than gossip? Is there a difference?

Demeter · 05-22-2005, 09:52 PM

Everyone (mostly) gossips. Women just make it a social event.

JustJess · 05-23-2005, 05:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by twinkle

I was just wondering... is it still catty if the gossip is TRUE?

For example, you know an acquaintance slept with a married man. She's not made a secret of the fact, except she doesn't want his wife to know. Is it malicious to talk about it? Or is she just asking for it?

If she's being open about it (other than telling the wife, of course), I'd say that it's not catty. If you're sharing negative opinions on what she's doing... well... It's hard to find friends who don't have opinions, and if you're going to tell them about your life, you have to accept that they have opinions on that too, and you may not always like that opinion. However, that doesn't mean that your friends should share those overly negative opinions about your actions with other people. That would be a little nasty, I think.

pinkie · 05-23-2005, 05:18 AM

I wouldn't say it’s necessarily malicious, but it's still uncalled for, unnecessary, and yes, it's still gossip...in my eyes, anyway.

05-18-2005, 08:52 PM	#1 (permalink)
Sweetpea Fade out Location: in love	Why do women Gossip? So, i just got back from spending some time with my gal friends . . . and the topic most of the time was . . . you guessed it . . . gossip. I was getting fed up with it, so i finally said "why can't we talk about something else . . ." I brought up a different topic, a.k.a. something that is actually going on in the world and they said i was being "too serious" and returned to the scheduled programming of somewhat negative gossip . . . I do it too sometimes and i wonder . . . Is it a guilty pleasure? When does it go too far? Why do we waste our time with it?? Why do women gossip, especially about other women? Sweet Pea __________________ Having a Pet Will Change Your Life! Looking for a great pet?! Click Here! "I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

05-18-2005, 10:43 PM	#3 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	There is an anthropological book about how gossip is sort of a leftover trait from when we, as primates, groomed each other. Yes, telling secrets about other people is the equivalent of sitting around, picking fleas out of each other's fur. I think that when done in moderation, it helps people to feel more connected and closer to one another. Personally, if someone asks me specifically to not tell anyone else, I respect that. I do not say a WORD. However, if it's an observation that would help other people know more about a situation (say, a good friend is having a hard time but doesn't want to ask for help, but if everyone else knows then they can help her indirectly), then I think it's good. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

05-19-2005, 06:30 AM	#5 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	I think that in part it seems to happen with women because they simply talk more. Having a larger volume of conversation is just going to increase the likelyhood of some of it being gossip. That being said, though I catch myself gossiping at times, I try not to and I dislike it when other's do so as well. I have shied away from talking to other women who shared delicate gossip information with me because "A dog that brings a bone will carry a bone." Someone who gossips often is someone you can't trust with your secrets. I find that people in a church, regardless of gender, tend to gossip a LOT. Perhaps it's the intimacy created by sharing a spiritual connection, I'm not sure. I do know that at least in Baptist churches it's common to hear "Oh would you pray for ..." and in the end it's just a big bit of gossip that half the people never "pray" for but love to pass on. Gossip disguised as some self-righteous passing of information - YUCK! __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

05-19-2005, 06:50 AM	#6 (permalink)
JustJess Unencapsulated Location: Kittyville	As long as no one's being malicious (ala desperate housewives or some such), I see no real harm in it. I definitely gossip with my husband, and sometimes it can be quite silly and fun! I think gossip is a negative activity when it's combined with "cattiness", and that's probably what most people associate gossip with. Talking about how a friend A got a new job, and he/she'll be doing such and so, but of course s/he probably got the job because his/her dad works there... eh, harmless. But saying/passing on assumptions such as friend B got the job because he/she slept with the hiring manager is rather nasty. I think of most friendly sorts of gossip as just news-passing - sharing information about the community you're in. The negativity comes when people use it as a weapon instead. I think women are associated with that because we are the more social/communicative half of the species usually, and we have learned more efficiently how to use language and communication as weapons in 'social warfare'. __________________ My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

05-19-2005, 07:02 AM	#7 (permalink)
Meditrina Junkie Location: LI,NY	I work in an office of about 70 people, only a handful of them are men. In the beginning, I noticed alot of people gossiping and I went along with it, I really wanted to fit in. I started feeling guilty about it, because most of the gossip was bad. I think the word "gossip" has a bad implication to it anyway, is there ever good gossip? There might be, but not here. So I stopped gossiping. Of course, now I don't talk to many of the people here, but I'd rather not talk then talk bad about someone without knowing all the real details. I hope I am making sense here. It is time for another cup of coffee. I think what I was trying to say is that maybe women gossip to fit in. That is just an observation from my personal experience. __________________ "Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

05-19-2005, 05:53 AM	#4 (permalink)
Squishor Frontal Lobe Location: California	I know lots of men who gossip openly. Also from an anthropological point of view, I've heard it said that back in the hunter-gatherer days, the women (who presumably stayed home caring for the children and tending the home fires) were responsible for creating a lot of the social structures within society. As such, they have taken a more intense interest in social mechanisms and all the details and particulars of the group they inhabit. Gossip is derivative/left over from those practices.

05-19-2005, 09:10 AM	#9 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	A response from our male member feelgood: It's a natural thing. Us men do the same thing. I think from human perspective, we all want to know things that aren't accessible to us. For example, I want to know why that guy's old lady kicked him out of the house. To put into another perspective, why are reality tv so popular these days? Reality tv shows are kinda a television version of gossip. They hold no real meaning or they don't show any real story line, it's just reality. Gossip is not just limited to women.

05-20-2005, 09:23 AM	#11 (permalink)
Lead543 Registered User Location: Calgary	My mom gossips to meeeee. But usually what she talks about is things that're happening with people, it's all true stuff, and never talked about in a negative light. I used to have lots of girls gossip about me. Why? Because I'm too pretty for my own good. Hehe. Seriously though, I find girls my age 18 and under do it mostly because they're threatened by another female. So they'll gossip and in that gossiping time, make up lies, bend the truth, etc. Women can be very competetive, especially with other women. I think gossip is used as an attempt to level the playing field. I think gossip is fine until it becomes cruel. Passing along information about someone you both know is fine, making something up, not cool. Not everybody wants to discuss world issues when they get together. My dad and stepmom came to visit last night, we briefly discussed what was going on in the government in Canada and then switched to discussing what everyone was doing for the summer, mutual friends, family members, etc.

05-20-2005, 05:49 PM	#12 (permalink)
Gilda 32 flavors and then some Location: Out on a wire.	I can't really address this, as I have no female friends, but the guys I hang out with talk a lot, but it tends to be about computer games, comic books, electronics, sci-fi, whether Linda Park or Grace Park is hotter (answer: Grace), etc. In other words, they tend to talk about things and events, rather than people they know and personal interaction. I don't think any of us care diddly squat about wether Russel Crowe is a nice guy, because we don't have to interact with him personally, just whether he's right for the roles he plays, because we do interact with his performances. Since I come here for that kind of stuff, discussion of how people interact with others, I'm with them. However I feel I cannot leave the thread without sharing this: Now, we're not ones to go 'round spreadin' rumors, Why, really we're just not the gossipy kind, No, you'll never hear one of us repeating gossip, So you'd better be sure and listen close the first time. I knew that word for word from memory. I'm so ashamed. __________________ I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that. ~Steven Colbert

05-20-2005, 08:21 PM	#14 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Men gossip just as much, even more so than women do, only they arent doing to be hurtful or mean - I swear they are bragging... I personally hate gossip, and would never say anyhting behid someone's back that I wouldn't say to their face... If the gossiping people can't do that- then what they are doing is wrong. I am always amazed at what people tell me... and sometimes I wonder if they are telling deeply personal things to get people to talk about them... I tend to not talk about other people... I'm not sure whether it's I just don't care what they are doing, of there are other things that are more interesting.... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

05-21-2005, 05:25 PM	#15 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	I consider gossip anything said about someone that you wouldnt say about them if they were sitting there.....I dont take part in that.....If I wont say it to your face I wont say it behind your back, some people fault me for that though, cause Im an honest person and there isnt much I wont say to someone's face __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

05-22-2005, 12:40 PM	#16 (permalink)
cellophanedeity Heliotrope Location: A warm room	The people I hang out with (mostly geekboys) aren't really into gossip. But, once in a while, hearing what someone is up to can be fun. "Did you hear that so-and-so has a new girlfriend? She's really hot!" I figure that as long as it's not malicious and it's something that you wouldn't mind letting the person spoken about hear, then it's fine! Perhaps that's more just casual talk about someone than gossip? Is there a difference?

05-22-2005, 09:52 PM	#17 (permalink)
Demeter Psycho	Everyone (mostly) gossips. Women just make it a social event. __________________ I am not bound to please thee with my answers. William Shakespeare

05-23-2005, 05:18 AM	#19 (permalink)
pinkie Helplessly hoping Location: Above the stars	I wouldn't say it’s necessarily malicious, but it's still uncalled for, unnecessary, and yes, it's still gossip...in my eyes, anyway.