Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Some issues--Advice?

JohnnyCarson · 10-15-2004, 07:00 AM

Let me preface this by saying that I'm a newbie so don't roast me!!! This might get kind of long....

Here is the situation:

Our sex life is pretty much non-existant. The sex has never been great. My wife and I have been married 22 years now. We have sex MAYBE once a month. She has almost 0 desire for sex. Even when we were first married it was maybe a couple times a week at most. I also need to say that she is absolutely perfect in every other way! I think she is the greatest companion a person could have. When she tells people that we have one kid that has graduated college and one that is in college, people are shocked. People are always thinking that she and my daughter are sisters. (Drives my daughter insane!)

She was date raped when she was a 14 year old virgin. I attribute her sexual problems to this. It is a topic she won't discuss with me. This happened almost 30 years ago. I think it is the underlying case of everything. It was one of those deals back in the 70's where the girl doesn't report it because then they are made out to be a slut. Her close friends know about it, but she didn't talk to anyone else about it until we got together. That is the only time she had sex before me.

Here are the issues I have and am looking for advice hopefully

1) The lack of sexual frequency. I am on medication that keeps me from getting an erection, but I have Viagra. As I said above we have sex maybe once a month if I am lucky. She has NEVER made the "first move". It is always me and it is a major deal to get her to do it. It's like she is very proud that she keeps her pants on.

2) When we do have sex, there is little foreplay. What there is is me doing it to her. She will reach down to see if I'm hard and that is it on her part. It's like hurry up and get it over with. It is either me on top or her on top that is it. No other positions.

3) She very rarely touches me any other time. I come up behind her and give her hugs, rub her shoulders, etc. but she will just not return it.

4) As far as oral sex goes, she absolutely will not do it. She thinks it is gross and disgusting. She does on occasion let me do it to her, but she tries to stop me first. Then, when I make my way back up she will not kiss me and even turns her head to the side.

5) There is no variety in our sex life...basic missionary. I would love to experiment with other positions but not her. I've tried everything I can think of including trying to get her to watch like "Cinemax" type porn (which she won't, saying it is sick) to trying to get her to go to a "toy store" and find something that might spice things up...nope.

6) She has an "all natural" bush. I've brought up the subject of her trimming it , but her response is that that is perverted.

There is just no physical contact in my life. I guess I knew going in to our marriage that that is how she was, but I thought maybe be me showing her lots of affection, it would change her. Nope. I love her with all of my heart. She is fun to be with and all of that and is the "perfect wife" except for these issues. She just won't talk about it. As I said, she just won't talk about it so I don't think counciling is an option...

It's not an issue of either one of us getting gross or fat as we got older. She is within 10 pounds of where she was when we got married and there is absolutely no reason that I would gross here out. I guess I have let this go on for over 20 years, so it's too late now, but has anyone else had a similar situation and what did you do? I need some advice! What can I do?

10-15-2004, 07:00 AM	#1 (permalink)
JohnnyCarson Upright	Some issues--Advice? Let me preface this by saying that I'm a newbie so don't roast me!!! This might get kind of long.... Here is the situation: Our sex life is pretty much non-existant. The sex has never been great. My wife and I have been married 22 years now. We have sex MAYBE once a month. She has almost 0 desire for sex. Even when we were first married it was maybe a couple times a week at most. I also need to say that she is absolutely perfect in every other way! I think she is the greatest companion a person could have. When she tells people that we have one kid that has graduated college and one that is in college, people are shocked. People are always thinking that she and my daughter are sisters. (Drives my daughter insane!) She was date raped when she was a 14 year old virgin. I attribute her sexual problems to this. It is a topic she won't discuss with me. This happened almost 30 years ago. I think it is the underlying case of everything. It was one of those deals back in the 70's where the girl doesn't report it because then they are made out to be a slut. Her close friends know about it, but she didn't talk to anyone else about it until we got together. That is the only time she had sex before me. Here are the issues I have and am looking for advice hopefully 1) The lack of sexual frequency. I am on medication that keeps me from getting an erection, but I have Viagra. As I said above we have sex maybe once a month if I am lucky. She has NEVER made the "first move". It is always me and it is a major deal to get her to do it. It's like she is very proud that she keeps her pants on. 2) When we do have sex, there is little foreplay. What there is is me doing it to her. She will reach down to see if I'm hard and that is it on her part. It's like hurry up and get it over with. It is either me on top or her on top that is it. No other positions. 3) She very rarely touches me any other time. I come up behind her and give her hugs, rub her shoulders, etc. but she will just not return it. 4) As far as oral sex goes, she absolutely will not do it. She thinks it is gross and disgusting. She does on occasion let me do it to her, but she tries to stop me first. Then, when I make my way back up she will not kiss me and even turns her head to the side. 5) There is no variety in our sex life...basic missionary. I would love to experiment with other positions but not her. I've tried everything I can think of including trying to get her to watch like "Cinemax" type porn (which she won't, saying it is sick) to trying to get her to go to a "toy store" and find something that might spice things up...nope. 6) She has an "all natural" bush. I've brought up the subject of her trimming it , but her response is that that is perverted. There is just no physical contact in my life. I guess I knew going in to our marriage that that is how she was, but I thought maybe be me showing her lots of affection, it would change her. Nope. I love her with all of my heart. She is fun to be with and all of that and is the "perfect wife" except for these issues. She just won't talk about it. As I said, she just won't talk about it so I don't think counciling is an option... It's not an issue of either one of us getting gross or fat as we got older. She is within 10 pounds of where she was when we got married and there is absolutely no reason that I would gross here out. I guess I have let this go on for over 20 years, so it's too late now, but has anyone else had a similar situation and what did you do? I need some advice! What can I do?