it's over, it's done, and yet....
 

it feels like it never will be.

for those of you who know more about me than goofy faces and a love for full figured women, you know that i've been dealing with a rather messy divorce to a very nasty ex wife. of course, just to make matters worse, there's a kid involved, so it's one of those things that don't just fade away after the judge's signature has been inked and the papers filed.

so after months of waiting and being in the dark, it's over.

i received a "courtesy copy" (if you call an inability to center the page on the fucking copying machine courteous, but i digress...) of the final paperwork in the mail a couple of days ago, the gist being that the divorce is final as of the 2nd of december, i owe child support in a very reasonable amount, however it is retroactive to february of this year, and that visitation is somewhat shabby, but that's something that can be modified as my general life situaion improves. all in all, i'm very happy with the outcome.


so why is it that everyone's treating me like i just got hosed?


throughout this whole divorce nonsense i've played alot of things by ear, going by the information provided by the oregon state bar and a number of self-help websites, and i feel like the final result is just what i wanted it to be. yes, i didn't hire a solicitor, yes, i wasn't in contact with the courts every day, yes, i let it happen around me, but that was what my resources allowed, and i'm fine with the end result.

the situation is and will continue to be slightly ugly due to the fact that my ex is a bitter, vindictive control freak who will do everything in her power to continue to excercise control over me. the latest episode being the very questionable arrival of her and possibly the baby back out here in arizona, the reason for the trip is surely a celebration visit to one of her little internet booty calls, but as a secondary aspect, to hold the fact that my baby is so close to me and that i'm missing out on seeing the child because i won't allow ex to control me. this whole situation brings a small amount of ire, but it is multiplied by the fact that my mother and girlfriend have escalated the whole thing completely out of perspective, and have made the whole thing out to be this big, nasty showdown that's going to end up in nothing less than tag-team wrestling in a steel cage unless very carefully avoided.

I don't want to walk on eggshells anymore when it comes to my ex. i want the bitch to know that i will see my child, on my terms and the terms set by the court, not on hers. i want her to know that regardless of how many times she drags the baby out here on one of her booty-call trips, i'm not going to let her dictate my actions and control access to the baby. furthermore, and most importantly, i love my family and my girlfriend to death, but i want them to realize that i am happy with the outcome of this divorce, and that to continue to dread ex's trips out this way and treat them like some minor national emergency is simply giving more power to the ex. I feel the same way that gwb felt after the whole terrorist attacks. if you let them (or in this case, her) change the way you live your life, the terrorists (or in this case, the bitch) have already won.


that bitch hasn't won anything but a broken marriage and a head full of lies that she will continue to tell herself to justify her own actions.

i, however, have won freedom.

Congratulations. I hope that your ex follows the court's orders and that you continue to be an important part of your child's life.

congratulations dude, you're going about this in a mature way, and maintaining a positive outlook :)

I didn't know you had a kid, I'll bet he/she is already very expressive if they take at all after their father!

Keep talking it out like you just did. I'm not sure if there will be anything that can truly assuage the pain and frustration that you feel right now other than talking it all out. Keep on trucking and keep on living life the way that you are.

Wish I could help more.

bermuda... she's a slave to attention and loves to be the center of it, just like her daddy. she's amazing. not even 2 and she's already singing nursery rhymes and her abc's and making up songs and dancing and generally being the sweetest creature in the whole wide world. i'm gonna be fighting boys off with a stick when she's older, i'm sure.

I'm sure you will, if she's anywhere near as charismatic as you are.

The nasty ex is some rough shit, but I applaud you for your positive outlook on the whole thing. You truly have earned your freedom when she can no longer control your happiness. Good times.

You've gone about this in a very mature and reasonable matter, unlike your ex, wich if i may say, sounds like a bitch, as you say.
I hope you will be a big part of your daughters life, and go about everything as the court ordered, not as your ex wants to dictate it.

Congrats! My brother went through a nasty divorce, no kids involved, just 4 dogs. His ex became somewhat similar to yours, it was the best thing he could have done, and likewise with you. You seem to be the better of the two people, and you'll be the best father you can. Good luck in the future.

Your mom and girlfriend are just protective of you and want you to be happy, and are maybe overdramatizing things out of their own fears rather than because the situation warrants it. Just tell them that you're ok - it could be that they don't know that! Make sure they know that you love them and you appreciate their concern, and yeah the situation could have turned out better but it also could have been a whole lot worse. Make sure they know that you want to be supported, not protected. Good luck, dude. You've handled this better than a lot of people would have.

Again, congrats phred, its about time there was something good in the winds.

woo!

Visitation is always negotiable, and later on, is dependant on the child, not the parents, so you dont have to worry about that, as long as you are satisfied with everything else.

Good for you. I don't know why we have to legally marry anyway...there's no more stigma of "living in sin" and if you can't keep a commitment without marriage then your relationship isn't so good after all. I would rather have a promise from someone that could just pick up and leave anytime without legal hassles than wonder if they're waiting out my death for insurance or take me to the cleaners if they don't like the way things are going. I'm glad it worked out the way you wanted it phred, but stories like this makes me wish I was gay.

I think Lurkette hit the nail on the head. You have gotten the result you expected, and seem to hope for, and now you need those around you to realize that you are satisfied. Make sure they understand that you are ready to move on and they need to move on with you. Remember, at this point your daughter is the key person, not your ex.

Keep your head cool bro, you've done well :D

I would expect an educated man like you to know that shotguns (or, as I like to call them, "boom sticks") work much better than your ordinary, garden variety stick. Again, good luck. ;)

Phred:
I love the vast majority of your posts, by the way... (missing my boobies :- )

You already know how you feel about the situation, and the end results. It's unfortunate that your family cannot seem to let things go, but the truth is they probably think that they're being supportive. It's taken a bit of brutality on my part to get my family to keep uninvited noses and comments out of my life, but surprisingly, they've become vastly more respectful now that they know that MY opinion, and MY judgement will drive my life. MY father calls me arrogant, but he certainly still calls when he needs a suggestion or an idea. My sister calls me "cold hearted" but again, she phones when there is an issue and she wants someone that she perceives as non-judgemental. (I am VERY judgemental, but no CRITICAL, she just doesn't understand the difference... If it doesn't negatively affect me or my family, I don't see any reason to upset anyone else over things)

My point is, appreciate their intentions, but let them know that it's painful to you at the moment, and since you're already aware of their opinions, rubbing them like salt on a wound isn't helping things.

Congratulations on not only your freedom, but your confidence! Best of luck, it's kind of a rugged ride for a little while, as you re-orient your thinking.

Good luck dude. Sounds like you have the right mind-set.

sounds like you could eventually get custody of the kid of the ex is really dragging her around the country to meet up for casual sex. It sounds like your financial situation doesn't warrant it, but hiring a private investigator to follow her when she comes back to arizona might get you some photos or other such proof that she is not a great mother.

My wife and I decided to separate about 6 months ago. It is something that we both needed to do and we are still good friends.

The reaction from friends and family made us realize that the only opinions that matter are her's, mine and our daughter's. (She is 10)

Take care.