In Love With Second Cousin
 

Growing up my cousin who lived in another city came to visit during the summers. We would hang out all summer long from sunrise to sunset. One summer things changed. We were teenagers and started having feelings for eachother. We kept our feelings at bay for as long as we could. The first time we kissed it was explosive. We never had sex or even went to second base. We kept in touch during the year and I would wait for him to return during the summer. His mother found my letters to him. One day when I called she answered and told me not to call again. She said what I was doing was wrong. She told my mother who promptly told the rest of the family. I got it pretty bad. I lost contact with him. He stopped coming down for the summers. I thought about him often and had a hard time moving on even as a kid. As the years went on I still thought of him. Still I wondered how he was and still fantasized about what life would be like if I could be with him. I stopped looking for him. About 5 months ago he found me online. We saw eachother after 21 years in October. He was just as handsome as I remembered. We laid in bed fully clothed talking about everything. He had looked for me over the years and when he bought his first car he drove down to my old house only to find I was no longer there. The family refused to tell him where I was. Here we are now 21 years later still feel such intensity. Doesn't change the fact that we are second cousins. We share the same great-grandparents. How wrong is this?

The entire family!? That was a little too much.

I used to think that it was strange, until I started looking into our family tree. It has happened in our family tree at least 2 times that I have found, and I am sure that there are other occasions because the family is so large and there are plenty of secret marriages and affairs that spawn multiple families and children. There's one person who has at least 30+ offspring from multiple wives.

Not particularly wrong.

Second cousin? phhht Unless your family has a habit of inbreeding that has gone on for umpteen generations and finally decided to put a stop to that shit, it doesn't mean much at all. Any insular villiage or town would have that familial relationship separation happening between partners/lovers all the time. Any small breeding pool would have folks who've been born as the result of clandestine affairs or brief romances that weren't common knowledge. Such folks would be hooking up w. 2nd and 3rd cousins on a regular basis.

In your case I would be more pissed off at the weird bullshit pulled on the both of you by family when you were young. It's not like you were brother and sister. I would frown on 1st cousins hooking up just because of the reinforcement of alleles that could harm any kids. Second cousins - not so much of a worry.

I've never had a cousin who turned my crank - only had 5 in total of whom 4 were boys - which may be why I'm not at all concerned about your situation being "wrong" or "kinky". I find it's more sad than anything else. I'm willing to bet your family would still crap all over both of you if they learned you'd seen each other no matter how innocent the meeting had been.

It depends on the culture you come from i guess and what you've been told is right or wrong.

In arab culture its quite common for even first cousins to marry and have children. It is also quite common in a few other asian cultures too.

Not wrong, but potentially illegal.

If my memory serves correct, about half the states have laws against second-cousin marriages due to 'incest.' Personally doesn't bother me, but, you know how laws are.

Just don't go around high-falooting your potential illegalties in human relations around the Authority, and you should be fine. If the feeling is mutual, (do you both really love each other over a few summer seasons spent together?) then that's even dandier.

As with anyone else, practice safe sex. If your relationship should advance further, then might you want to consider the possible (negligible) ramifications. Sure, I get the leap, but no one is expecting you to give birth to the next generation of Kurt Wagners just because you have some harbored feelings of attraction to a distant kin of yours.

Dive in. It's not right; it's not wrong; it's wholly subjective; it's also entirely your choice.
What's more (potentially) harmful is knowing he feels the same way about you, and neither of you can eschew societal norms' antiquated taboos to give you both the advice you need most: seek your happiness.


-- (to note: also, it's not particularly relevant, but it just serves as a historical chronicle: Albert Einstein went ahead and pursued his dreams and whimsies, and along the way, {right at the beginning, I suppose} he fell in love with, and married, his second cousin. Was what he did wrong? Does it matter? If he's one of our generation's greatest minds, it might serve us better to re-examine his genius idea of cousin-fancy. It certainly didn't destroy him; might have actually helped him - who knows?)

Feelings are not wrong. They just are. In general, the incest taboo is as much societal thing as a biological one. Common ancestors are the rule, not the exception. The question is: How far back is far enough? You two share maybe 6% commonality in genes (not 12%, because only half of an individual's genes are passed on to any particular child; in a large family, siblings will average only slightly over 25% commonality, not 50%).

Thus, the likelihood of genetic insult is rather low, and with today's technology some of that potential can be avoided with genetic screening.

So... your issue is really a societal one. Firstly, do the laws allow your situation? Secondly, and more importantly since you can get around the first by moving, can you handle the family censure if you continue? That to me is the real consideration. If the two of you, as consenting adults, want to have whatever sort of relationship, it is up to you. But your family need not approve, and you have to be prepared for that.

I think you're incorrect. Most states only have laws that get to first cousins. Some don't even have that.

Ms. Anonymous - unless one or both of you is cheating on a spouse, there's nothing wrong or even creepy about this relationship.

Agreed.

Hell, I come from a family where a great-aunt tried to encourage my mom to date her son, my mom's second cousin, telling them that they were "kissing cousins." She was similarly encouraging of my friendship with her grandson.

Two consenting adults...I don't see a problem here.

Try this website to help you.
Cousin Marriage Resources

I don't think that there are, or have been any laws against 2nd cousin marriage anywhere that I know. Not here in Canada anyways. First cousins yes, but I hear that even that is becoming less of a medical issue if checks are done before hand. It's just a cultural issue in most places that turns people off.

I have two second cousins in my in-law's family who have been dating (openly) for 3 years now. I believe that they will be marrying soon.

Holy cow. You're right.

I pulled up my notes from Family law. The 1/2 split between U.S. States is for *FIRST COUSINS.*

Well, looks like I ran my mouth too early.

It is a cultural issue that is looked down upon though. I expect that in time, such a distinction will probably fade, too. (Cite, Lawrence, Zablocki, Fundamental right to marry).

Anyway, what's wrong, with respect to love and relationships is really subjective. Love w/ second cousin is not wrong per se, but society always reserves the right to disapprove.

It's not wrong at all man. Einstein married his cousin, so did Darwin. So if some of the smartest people in history think its OK I think you're covered.

Thanks for the advice
 

I'm Hispanic raised near the border. My culture certainly frowns down upon it. As the female I was the one who shouldered the blame. Males in my culture at least from my family are highly revered. He was told I dropped out of school and got pregnant. They actually moved me in with another set of cousins during the summers. That is why he never found me. I never knew he had returned. He returned and asked questions but was told I was a whore you name it. Still he looked. I asked about him and they told me he graduated from college and was engaged to be married. I stopped asking. I got married and divorced. I never stopped thinking of him.
I'm sure our family would shun us. The thing is I already had cut them out of my life. All of them. As I grew up I did this for various reasons. However he's on good terms with them. He had a different experience. He never married but I did. I have a common law husband and a child. So what I'm doing is wrong anyway. I do know that no one makes me feel the way he does. Not one single person comes close. I dreamed of him over the years and fantasized about what it would've been like. He said he didn't want to disrupt my life but it is too late. I can't think straight. That is why I brought it here. We talk daily about everything trying to fill in 21 years. Here we are in our 30's quickly approaching our 40's. It's what I dreamed of for so many years and now it still is too late.

Its never too late.

Agreed.

My great grandparents were first cousins, though quite how the family got as spread out as it did I don't really know. My great grandpa grew up in California and my great grandma grew up in Minnesota. I think its probably more taboo now (every once in a while a relative will ask me if I know "the truth" about them, as if all of their progeny are somehow mutants), than it was when it happened.

Ms. Anonymous, It totally depends your culture. And ofcourse that changes over a very long time. You could be a change agent.

Are you cross cousins? Meaning your parent and his parent are of opposite-sex? Because from where I come, Straight cousins are brother-sister. Cannot marry! But cross cousins are SUPPOSED to marry. Right and Wrong is always defined by people who have power!

I can follow the logic of many things, but I can't for the life of me figure out why this should make any difference. Interesting.

In my opinion, there are three things to consider:

A) Is it worth leaving your husband for him
B) Is it worth disrupting your child's life for him
C) Is it worth it to him to be shunned by your family

Only the two of you can make this choice.

Here's an interesting exercise to kill an afternoon: go to any small town cemetery that's at least 100 years old. The older the better.
Find the surnames of the earliest graves. The earliest graves are almost illegible and rarely have more than a name.
Make note of two or three of the founding families. (eg. Smith, Jones)
Look at later gravestones. It's amazing the amount of info to be found: Parents, children, cousins...
On a notepad, start building a family tree. See how many generations have Smith and Jones as husband and wife and try to determine their relationship to each other.

Pile of Problems
 

At first when I posted I was curious about how cousin relationships would be perceived. People do seem to be more accepting in this forum.
If I factor out the fact that I have a family and just address the relation issue alone these are the three issues that seem to be prevalent:

Social Stigma: Several attach from family to the impact on friendships, work
Legal Issues: There may be laws prohibiting such relationships.
Genetic Issues: higher probability of having a child with defects

These are all serious issues which can strain a relationship to the point of deterioration.

When I factor in my family I realize this is the choice I made. My life is not horrible. My husband is not perfect but neither am I. We have lived comfortably for over 10 years co-existing together but not in love. We have love for each other but are better friends than lovers. We haven't slept in the same bed for more than 5 years. We have done this for the sake of our family. I'd expected to live like this until our child turned 18 in 6 years. It's a strange way to live but it works for us in our strange way. Even with this set up I still don't want to this new entity in my life to be the reason why my marriage should end. It shouldn't be the reason. Either way a happy ending almost seems bleak.

Nailed a chick in college, a friend of a friend of a friend, that i met at a party. One night thing, but we saw each other around school. That summer we met at a family reunion my dad drug me to. We just laughed and made small talk and explained that we knew each other from school. That first time was bad enough after we had found out, but we met up at another party that fall and hooked up again, for a really hot long week end. Being distantly related seemed to make it even hotter than the first time. We hooked up on occasion several times after that. She was a really good lay and great the best head of my life, even if technically we were kin.

mmmm... I suppose if it doesn't gross you out then who really cares what society thinks, unless they are gonna throw you in jail for it. Second cousins ain't so bad I guess, it would gross me out as I wouldn't be able to get past thinking about how we were related, but really if it doesn't bother you it shouldn't be a problem. First cousins would be a bit more weird I think. I say follow your heart and ignore what everyone else thinks.

We talked about the "ick" factor. You have the hots for your cuz... "ick!" Somehow for some strange reason the "ick" isn't there. I've stared at him long enough wondering if I could summon the "ick" but it never came. If anything I feel closer to him because we share the same bloodline. Now I think that is gross, but I can't help but think it. I really do think it's disgusting. Still it doesn't stop me from wanting to be close to him. Wonder if he would think it was disgusting? mmm? I should ask him. That would be icky.

If I were you I would follow my heart. There are also other people involved (husband, kids, etc) but I would give them more weight than the 2nd cousin situation.

Authenticity?
 

Assuming thee anecdotes issuing from this source are true?
I'm starting to wonder!

What makes you question the authenticity of the person posting? Don't see what the motivation would be to post something false or misleading.

The "ick" factor is put into your head by modern society. Look up ancient relationships between nobles and royalty. They were considered the best, the closest to god, and they shared genes. It even weeded out some of the bad genes.

PS I was just about to joke "I hope you're my hot cousin wanting to tell me this" but she's my first cousin.

i guess a consideration here is if you have a type of blood disorder like Thalasemia which is passed on through the genes.

Thalasemia is quite common in asia, the middle east and africa, and there have been attempts to curb its spread by some governments by having checkups prior to a couple marrying.

Depending on the type of thalasemia that you have it could be life threatening for the offspring if both partners have it and are not aware that they carry the gene. I guess if you do decide to follow your heart, it would be sensible to follow the advice of your doctor before you make any set decisions.

If you are no longer sleeping with/ having sexual relations with your common law husbad, why should this ie the addition of a relationship, make your life worse- If you are in fact in that twilight friends who married and now are distant stage, why not ask your husband if he would mind- he too may have needs he has to fill, and it sounds like you both have been neglecting those needs- misery does not love company, and if you both sit down and discuss where your lives are going you likely will have a better chance at happiness whether or not you bang your cousin like a howler monkey in heat..... and hell, a miserable life is not guaranteed if you just take control of your life and take steps to be happy.....

My Mother-in-Law married her first cousin (both from Denmark) and no one there ever thought this was weird or wrong. They were both older and not into making kids plus they "re-married" the family lines and doubled the family land holdings. And they loved eachother very much. In Europe, many of the royal families do this for similiar reasons and this was another modern day instance of such. Both are direct descendents to the crown. It's not always a bad match.

America is so provincial!!

If you love each other fuck it.