Help with Wife
 

I've been married a little over 3 months now. I love my Wife very much, we have a pretty good sex life. One thing that I'm becoming more and more concerned about is that she almost never gives BJ's or HJ's unless I ask several times over several days or weeks. And then it's a half assed one at that. We've discussed it at length several times and she always says that she'll work on it, but so far it hasn't changed. We've been together over 3 years. This is going to become a big problem for me in the future, even though I love her very much, I'm a guy and like and need sexual pleasure other than just intercourse.

Is there any suggestions from anyone here who has dealt with the same thing? Please don't just say communication is the key because I've tried that. Maybe a suggestion on a different way to approach it in communication.

First, the obvious question: how often do you give her BJs and HJs?

Guide her hand down to your FernGully without being too obvious about it.

I go down on her on average of 2 to 3 times a week.

I'm lucky to get a BJ or HJ once every 2 or 3 months.

and what if that's the answer, that she's not so interested in it and she doesn't really like it at all, but will do it from time to time in the frequency and enthusiasm as she has been?

is that a deal breaker?

I'm going to take a stab and say she's not comfortable doing it because she doesn't know what she's doing. And she's afraid to ask for tips. I've been there at one point when I was younger. But with some coaxing and letting her know what she's doing right MUCH MORE OFTEN than what she's not doing right (saying 'no' while she's learning is pretty much like a knife in the heart,) just might get her more interested.

gl :)

I don't know. We've only been married for 3 months, together for 3 years. I think at some point it may be that's why I'm hoping to resolve it sooner rather than later. I'm a guy, and like most guys I like a good blowjob or handjob.

I guess what I'm asking is, what is the best way to tell her that it's a dealbreaker for me without me basically giving her an ultimatum. Because I don't want to do that.

Exhaust all your options before going that extreme. mho.

Did she give you handjobs and blowjobs before you got married?

You should go down on her every time you have sex. Most women need it to cum. Maybe it'll make her more willing to give you what you want.

I usually do. The only times I don't are when she's on her period, or when she's drunk. She has zero clitoral feeling when she's had more than 4 or 5 drinks.

As far as before we were married. Things have pretty much been the same.

She can cum everytime from cunnalingus(except drunk) but about %70 of the time from actual intercourse.

/so evil

1. repetitive behavior modification - ask her when you know she'll say yes for certain. Maybe after she's had a few to drink and is in the mood. Do something that will make her feel reciprocal. Slowly increase times per month or whatever. Start slow. Right now it sounds like she's used to saying 'No' too often and you've trained her in the opposite direction unwittingly. Try and create a schedule perhaps during the time of month she is most horny; figure out her cycle.

2. positive reinforcement - both during and after show your appreciation. If she feels good doing it, and gets a self-esteem boost she'll want to do it. Proceed both obviously and in secrete. If she loves chocolate reward her with one (in a sly way of course, have one yourself)...then whenever she eats chocolate she'll be subconsciously reminded of blowing you. Associate it with a behavior you like to do after sex so she's not suspicious.

3. you are a total douche bag for following this advice :P

There was a point in my marriage where I was frustrated and unhappy with our sexual life. It lasted a little under two months. I haven't been married long, I'm sure we'll go through more phases of miscommunication. I felt like my husband wasn't interested or trying thard enough. He didn't bother to smell nice when we had sex, he didn't seem interested in trying new things. During this same timeframe, he was regularly making me delicious dinners and many other little things to make my life easier. But the problem wasn't really him. I was frustrated with other things in life. I was feeling over-worked and would have been unahppy even if he went completely out of his way to make me happy. I didn't want to accept love in the format he offered. I had to reassess my needs and adjust my expectations. This was accomplished through both of us freely expressing our take on our individual efforts toward the relationship. I used to be turned on by the novelty of his manly scent at the end of the day. I hadn't told him that it wasn't a turn-on anymore. He was trying, I was not self-aware nor was I informative.

Ask yourself - are you the kind of person who is never satisfied? Will you always find something not-quite-right with the relationship? Are you doing everything you can to make this an enjoyable experience for her? Do you smell nice, are you clean shaven down-there? Is the space where you regularly have sex comfortable, warm and inviting? Does she find intercourse undesireable as well? You say that you have tried communicating, and claim that it's not the problem. But I contest that a couple cannot communicate too much.

If you're making requests, you're not having sex in the midst of a hot and heavy romantic whirlwind. Needing to ask for anything sexually is a sign that you are out-of-sync. Your relationship's level of non-verbal communication is not where it should be. To me, it doesn't sound like things will change because there is likely a deeper set of issues with your relationship. Her lack of enthusiasm for certain sexual acts is merely a symptom of a deeper concern. Watching you in plasure should provide at least some level of enjoyment for a healthy couple. You are placing stress on her by asking her to do something that might well repulse her. If she doesn't have fun with the activities you mention, stop requesting her to perform them. Let her know that you're going to stop asking, and tell her you're sorry for asking her to do these things.

Three months into a marriage and now its a deal breaker? Did you think this would change if you married her?

To me, dealbreaker=ultimatum. This should have been brought up a long time before a marriage ever happened. Since we can't change that now, you need to talk to her and decide if the frequency of a suck or stroke is more important than your love for her and your marriage. If it is, try counseling. If it still doesn't resolve the issue, go your separate ways because you will either be unhappy for the rest of your marriage or begin cheating to get what you are missing.

I'm going to go a different route here and pose the possibility of a really bad experience she's had in regards to BJ's.
Perhaps she was forced or cajoled; perhaps she thinks "porn=BJ's=usage of women.
The only way to know if it's anything or nothing really is....wait for it...




here it is....



TALK ABOUT IT!

I almost always go out of my way to make her happy, or make her life easier. She appreciates everything I do and how I treat her, she tells me often. Our sex life is very good other than the lack of oral and manual stimulation on her part. I am always atleast well groomed if not completely shaved.

I'm not sorry for asking because to me it's an important part of a sexual relationship.
One point I should have made earlier is that she will on occasion give me head for a few minutes before we have sex. It is a turn on for her, and she say's that she would rather just have sex. I'm all for that occasionally, but sometimes it's nice to just lay there and be pleasured. I do it for her in a very disproportionate manner.

just kick her behind the knee and when she drops to the gound, stick it in. Be a man :p

you should try that at least once, maybe she'd like being dominated, lol. I'm not even kidding, at worst you get put in the doghouse for a week or 2, but then you can just blame the fact that you got bad advice :)

and set up a video camera while your at it and post it here when your done

we'd love to see the results haha

But you waited until marriage to decide it was a dealbreaker? Junior-grade relationship work there, AM. I mean, I wasn't any better when I was three months married. But still.

Communication, and lots of it. Girl's not a mind reader.

I wouldn't have a problem with a girl who only wanted intercourse and didn't like BJs. ;)

Demanding certain sex acts isn't very sexy, and probably won't win you any points. Do you watch porn with her that shows girls liking blowjobs? Do you tell her when she does give you head what feels good and only have a positive attitude about it? Have you tried giving her oral in a 69 position, or one that could lead to that position? (you lie down on your back, she sits on your face facing your penis.) Does she worry about you cumming in her mouth?

Ok, educate me on my its a dealbreaker NOW and it wasnt 4 months ago before you married?

Good question.


And another, do you want a BJ and/or HJ to climax or as part of foreplay?

She's not a fan of cum in her mouth. I've told her repeatedly that I don't care about that, that's not something I need. To me it seems that she has a problem with the one sided satisfaction of her giving me oral, in other words whats in it for her?


Shani, I didn't say it was a deal breaker right now, but I'm concerned it will be later down the road. That's why I'm trying to fix it now

No, what some of us are confused about is why you didn't work to fix it in the 3 years prior to marriage. I mean, the way she sees it - you were fine with it the entire time you were with her, so why would she change now? At least that's what I get from your posts. You may not have been fine with it, but the issue really surfaced after marriage from what I'm reading.

I talked to her about it many times. She always says that she'll work on it but hasn't made any real effort.

Not trying to be a dick, but what makes you think that she would put more effort in after marriage? Well, other than after an ultimatum.

Maybe this is simply a matter of "WIIFM?"

Maybe she just doesn't like doing it.

Maybe she needs a really good reason for doing it.

Some women do only give BJs as rewards. It sucks, but you can't really force them. I've tried. Doesn't help.

Well, I hoped the fact that I told her that the lack of frequency is concerning me would prompt her to make an effort.

tbh, you may as well just give yourself a hand job?

with regards to getting your dick sucked I think it is not so simple...

Again, I'm a little confused as to why that couldn't be done before marriage. However, me asking that would just be going in circles.

The only way is to talk to her. Really sit down. Her hand in your hand or whatever you do when you have a serious, mature, adult discussion. Eye contract. Expressing concerns clearly without pointing fingers. Explaining why you feel the way you feel without making her feel at fault. Talk. Listen. Talk some more.

Damn, do I get an MA in TFP Sexality Advice for this or what?

Thanks everyone. I'll try talking with her and find out what her concerns or reasons are for not wanting/liking to do it.

What LoganSnake et al are getting at is that if this is such a big deal to you, you shouldn't have gotten married until it was resolved to everyone's satisfaction. Marriage doesn't fix a damned thing. Expecting any aspect of your relationship to improve because of it is, frankly, stupid. If you absolutely can't live without that kind of stimulation, you've kind of screwed yourself over; extricating yourself from the situation after you're married is a much more complicated and expensive process than it would've been beforehand.

You say 'it's not a deal breaker now, but it might be down the road.' What I get out of that is 'this is a deal breaker, but I'm still hopeful she'll come 'round.'

Bad news is she probably won't. The most probable reason that she half-asses blow jobs is because she doesn't like giving them. I suppose you could try some sort of coercion or tit-for-tat arrangement to get them more often, but frankly I wouldn't expect the quality to improve and it's my view that treating relationships or sex as a zero sum kind of thing is the wrong way to go about it.

My Suggestion: first, sit down on your own and figure out just how important this is to you. Do you really need your wife to hoover your knob to be happy, or can you live without that? Are there alternative ways to get a similar type of satisfaction? Can you do something else to achieve the same result that your wife might be more enthusiastic about?

Next, sit down with her. Now that you've got it sorted out in your head, you can explain to her clearly and simply. Avoid accusations. This isn't ultimately about her. You're the one with the problem.

Phrases like 'I feel...' are good. There was one that was brought up a lot here in the past that went 'when you do X, I feel Y.' It's a good way to link a cause to an emotion without being confrontational.

Lastly, explore alternatives with your wife. This can be a very fun thing for the two of you to do together; the internet is the most depraved resource in the history of mankind, and will be very helpful. Read up on sex positions and different activities you can do. Try them out, see how they work for you.

Let This Be A Lesson To You. Allowing an issue with your relationship to fester for three years will just make it worse, and getting married before you've dealt with it will not help.

Since World's King hasn't posted it yet... just drop your pants and say, "well, it's not going to suck itself."

I like you a lot as a person, but I need to say this bluntly because I disagree so strongly with you.

Telling someone that they should not communicate their desires (sexual or not) and in fact should apologize for asking and having them is really irresponsible advice.

In an ideal relationship, genuinegirly is right. However when there is a conflict they probably should talk to each other and try to work out an unsexy compromise.

Now apologizing for wanting oral sex, when he is going down on her regularly (and I am assuming that she enjoys it) doesn't sound right. I would want to go down on a girl to give her pleasure, even though it doesn't give me an orgasm or any benefit. Now, if she wanted me to lick her ass, and enjoyed it, a similar situation would develop. I just couldn't do it, even if she asked, begged, or tried to force it.

You need to find out why she is against doing them.

I'm not convinced that you read my entire post. If so, you misunderstood completely.

Taking the same action and expecting a different result is one definition of insanity.

That's why I'm posting about this...for advice

This bit didn't sit well with me either. Verbalizing your desires/fantasies via requests/instructions can very well be done in the midst of a hot and heavy romantic whirlwind. Non-verbal communication is important, but it's not the be-all and end-all. We have a highly developed mode of audible communication for a reason. Actions are great, but words are powerful too. Plus, I think mind reading is overrated. I often cannot even read my own mind.

I do agree with you that the OP's wife should be more open to pleasing him, and I agree that maybe there is something else going on. Or, I'll go back to my previous idea: Maybe she just really doesn't like to do it. It'd be like if the wife was really geared up about anal sex but the OP reluctant to do it for sanitary reasons.

Humans are complex beings. We can't all be into the same things with the same level of intensity. But a compromise would be a wonderful thing to work towards—a give and take. This is what the OP needs to work out. Maybe BJs will only be offered as a reward for something else, sexual or non-sexual. So be it, if that's what he wants.

I always say that sex is the first place that problems elsewhere in the relationship bubble up, and it's almost never about the sex, as a root cause.

Does she withhold herself from you in other ways? This could be a symptom of a general lack of trust and communication and sharing. Do you withhold yourself from her in other ways? This could be punishment for being distant with her.

What does she complain about in your relationship? I'd take a good look there, if I were you.

The good news is, dealing with this now will be a complete breakthrough in your relationship, if you use it for that. But it'll take approaching things in ways you've never approached them before.