Jaron

This is a new thread because... well, honestly, I think that it deserves an entirely new topic. This is, actually, a poem that I've written for a girl.

This thread is linked to from the General Discussion board, because I figured the whole "relationship advice" thing didn't belong in Tilted Sexuality (not sexual) or here (not literature). The thread is here ==> http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...threadid=24600

Thanks.



I should say something sterotypical
Like there being stars in your eyes,
But I can't 'cause when I see you
The better part of me dies.

This is the part from Hell, darling,
That only comes out at night
When I'm wandering the city streets
And you're out of my sight.

When I look at you, I'm happy.
I feel younger. I feel satisfied,
But when we part again, I hate myself.
I feel naked, and I feel deprived.

Do you want to know why there can't be "us"?
It's 'cause there's nothing left to feed me
With the hate, anger, amusement
That I need to feel free.

This is why I like the alleys
And it's why I call the streets my home,
And this is why there can't be "us" -
'Cause when you leave, EVERYTHING is gone.

You made me believe in love again
And put my heart together,
But I need to hurt and be broken
To remind myself that nothing lasts forever.

Remember what I said to you
About hopelessness being my hope
And pointlessness being the point of it all
And nothing mattering anymore?

Well, you made my life matter
And you gave back my dreams
Instead of giving me nightmares,
But remember - nothing's as it seems.

Remember when I told you
About nightmares making me smile
And happy dreams making me miserable?
I'm sorry, baby, but that's MY style.

So you want to know why there can't be "us"?
Because I need the freedom and you do not.
But remember that I still love you,
But hate, anger... darkness is all I got.

Four Fingers

Edit: Hmm, never mind.

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"Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest."

Eowyn_Vala

sad, but wonderful! very moving

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Cain: I know what you're doing. I've lead troops into battle before.
DG: And, how am I doing?
Cain: Well, there's less *hugging* when I do it

eci

(I got linked here by your other thread, incidentally)

Yeah, that's great - there's too much poetry about that sounds juvenile because it either apes the way the poet thinks poetry should sound, or is overwrought, or is composed of cliches that act as crutches for the true sentiment.

When I write, I favour the same method that you employ here: I consciously resist the pressure to say those things that other poets do; as you say, "I should say something sterotypical /
Like there being stars in your eyes,".

What's great here is that the content of the poem matches this style: resisting the pressure of a relationship while also resisting the conventions of poetry. I particularly liked the quite cutting, almost dismissive uses of 'darling', 'baby' and so on, which at the same time are clearly sincere.

In terms of criticism, I'd perhaps suggest that the effect would be more potent were the poem slightly shorter. I also dislike the occasional abbreviation of ''cause', and in the last line, 'I got' rather than 'I've got'. That may be in the first case correct and in the second case authentic, but they make it look like they were chosen for purely metrical purposes. To me, they just stick out and palliate some of the impact of the poem.

Nonetheless, a great poem - you said in the other thread that writing is your life, and I'm pleased to find that you've chosen well

J.R.V.A.

But remember that I still love you,
But hate, anger... darkness is all I got.

Wow, what a conflict....
Your words really make me feel something when I read them.
I really like this poem...good stuff, thanks

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And as she plays,
her sweet song of laughter
floats through the air
and warms my heart

koli70

great poem.... thats all I can say

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Woman is a danger cat

Goomba

I really like it. Kudos to you