What to do when a friend is dating a smuck?
 

I know this woman, we've both admitted feelings for each other. The problem is she's tied to this smuck. She asked me to send me the logs between him and me (we know each other too, tho he's not my friend for obvious reasons) of our instant messaging.

Anyways, he called her pathetic, and that she was one of many.

I emailed it to her, but she only said 'I hope I'm still his favorite'

:confused:

Even if she doesn't end up with me I want to see her out of this abusive, one sided relationship.

She's so...nice. Easy to be abused is the harsher way to say it :mad:

Makes me sad.

Really not much to make a discussion here. What make him a smuck? And without any information it's really not obvious why you're not friends with him, yet you chat?

Help us help you.

I know him through a communal meeting. Not all of us are friends. But we need to communicate for our mutual benefit.

He's a smuck because he's cheating on her, he's got her under his thumb so much so that she'll defend him no matter what he's done. Even if he calls her pathetic.

We females can be so stupid. Keep your mouth shut, if you want to remain friends with her and possibly have a future relationship with her. Right now she is probably just ga ga over him, but she will see the truth eventually.

I believe the term is 'schmuck', from the Yiddish.

Really, I think the only thing is to be honest with her about how you feel about her, and how you feel about him, and the way he treats her. *However*, no one likes to be told that they're doing life wrong, especially more than once. So don't expect her to listen, or to take what you say well.

Yeah, this is one of those things they have to figure out on their own.

You'll always be the guy who gave her bad news now.

I agree with this, smart.

Well, it seems pretty likely that Zeraph is already in 'the friend zone', and will never, ever have a relationship with her. It's a very weird state in the female brain where she will date schmuck after schmuck, come crying back to 'the good guy', but never have a relationship with him. A classic.

She is definitely in denial. Sad. She loves him or thinks she does. She's in for some real hurt later on.

I preferred to date old friends, and married one. I knew I could trust them. I can't be the only female in the world with this perspective.

That said, make sure you're there for her. Help her to feel comfortable sharing things with you. If she asks you for advice on how to deal with this or that terrible thing the loser said/did, tell her that it's not something someone would say/do if they really loved her. The most important thing for a woman who is a sucker for schmucks is to have a good male friend who doesn't want to use & abuse her trust.

+1 to the advice above.

Only thing I'd add would be to do a simple tidy-up of your relationship with each of them ASAP. It will remove some possible future pitfalls.

Something like:
To him: "I am friends with the lady of whom you speak and it is better that you do not share such personal info with me."
To her: "I'll listen to you and give my opinion, but I will not be courier, and have asked him to refrain from sending me messages petaining to personal stuff".

I'd hardly call that abuse. So she's getting what she wants right now, which just might be some hot sex and no commitment. Is it possible she thinks he's pathetic and serves her purposes?

Sometime we get exactly what we're looking for. And sometimes we look for something different than that. She's a woman. Surely she'll look for something different before you know it.

Oh its what I'd consider an abusive relationship alright. He's cheating on her with multiple partners. She won't consider a word of it. He has her almost mind controlled. Its like he speaks through her. You'd have to see them to understand.

For now I'll just remain a friend. Which is fine, she's cool otherwise. I'm just a little worried the boyfriend might try to jump me with a few of his friends. Not so much worried about my own safety, but more what would happen legally when I might need to smash them all if they try something.

For instance, they were both pretty mad when I was telling them the truth about what the other was saying. Now suddenly she's all friendly and inviting me to her house on tuesday....maybe I'm just paranoid...

He's what she thinks he is until she thinks otherwise. She'll tell you when she does. Don't say anything negative about him or their relationship, such as you perceive it.

It's her life and her decisions. She's probably not nearly as oblivious as you think. I'd stay out of it, if you're hoping to stay friends with her.

Yeah, I've decided to distance myself from both, and just stay out of it.