where do i go from here?
 

ok, this is one of those rare times where i really am lost. well, not really as i see several possible outcomes and all of them are almost as bad as each other. at this point i´m just quite lost.

this will also explain a very significant portion of my recent near-total absense from tfp.

ok: my birthday, 4th july i get guests, a russian then a dutch and belgian. this is about the dutch girl. i´m going to try to keep it short and to the point as it could get very long very quickly.

myself and "f" instantly get along like a house on fire. the reason we met is that she was coming to iceland to do a work camp and posted on the iceland group on couchsurfing. i noticed we have near identical taste in music and offer to host her and emmanuel. so, straight away we start talking about music. it takes less than a day and we´re like old friends, to the detriment of my other guests. she goes off to the workcamp and accidentally leaves behind her phone charger. i use it as an excuse and take another visitor on a roadtrip to the other side of iceland to drop it off. i accidentally leave my computer there (both actually were accidents...) f brings it back with her a week later. that night i had no guests with me and we already slept together (although did nothing more than have fun :) but she did say that she missed me while on the camp) and from the following day we seemed to form a relationship. we roadtripped snæfellsnes and the westfjords but saw little more than each other. we had the weekend together then she went back to the netherlands. well i certainly gave her a going away present :)

straight away we were smsing, emailing, msning and using whatever computer-based medium we had available to communicate and now, 2 weeks later it´s not dying down like i thought it might. obviously i´m annoyed since she´s out of reach and she´s making it pretty clear that the feeling is mutual.

so this is the part i don´t know: where to from here? one thing is happening: on the 20th i´m off to visit family and friends in slovenia and on the way back i´ve squeezed in a couple of days in nl to visit. i guess it will be interesting to see how we come together then. but this is where it stands: me: in iceland on an eu passport. no real connection to the country except for a few new and pretty good friends and just about to start a masters in engineering (which i´m not too keen on.) her: just started a doctorate in psychology (which she´s not too keen on), 6 months in a new city in the netherlands and really starting to enjoy it. right now i feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place. welcoming insights, anecdotes or just random....

I haven't been around all that many dying people, but the ones I have been around have NOT said things like, "I really regret ditching everything and going after someone I loved."

Go for it. Either way, it would be a great story to tell the kids and grandkids.
Just make sure you have a back-up plan in case things don't go the way you hope and you have to get out of Dodge quickly.

wut? Who's dying?


I say go for the girl! You don't get a chance to really live very often and as important as school is, like Fotzlid said, You're not going to tell your grandkids cool stories how you suffered through a master's degree.

I read this three times looking for "i see several possible outcomes and all of them are almost as bad as each other." I read your situation and think I see just as many outcomes that are even better then the last. Maybe you're overly thinking this? Or maybe I'm missing something?

What bad outcomes? Only if you sit and don't pursue this.

I'll refer you to my sig.

i can see the voices are pretty unanimous. well, i guess i´m hoping to get a clearer picture at the end of this month when i visit the netherlands but there are a couple of things weighing down on me eg. the fact that i got into my masters here which is an opportunity that i may not get again and also the whole idea about moving yet again (having said that i *have been* toying with the idea of moving to the mainland for various reasons.) it´s quite true that regret is a bitter pill (enough experience in that field...) but to throw almost everything away for someone in reality io barely know is a fair sized brick to swallow, especially if it all goes wrong since if that happens things will become very bad very quickly. having said that it´s true: it´s one hell of a story to tell the grandkids :D

Devil's advocate:

It's been just over a month now. You have lots of great sex which can make for great road trips and source from incessant texting and teasing.

I haven't heard the word "love" mentioned (is that one taboo at TFP?) or even the tone that you'd be willing to risk (anything) because she means so much to you.

IMO, follow the course you've been taking. But give it more time before you give anything up. Are you two ready to handle the mundane atrocities of everyday life together?

well, it's only a story you'd tell if things worked out, yes?
that's why the Big Edit Function exists...

personally, i would try to separate the two main questions---the master's program and the lovely dutch girl. i would probably think about the first one while organizing a field work expedition concerning the second--as you're doing. seems to me that all options seem equivalent and not-so-great because they're all collapsed into each other at the moment.

i did something similar to what it appears you're contemplating about 10 years ago.
it was an adventure.
i don't know if i would do it again, for all kinds of reasons---one of them being that the fact of the adventure had all kinds of implications for the relationship, one of which was that it made things seem like an adventure for a while. later, it became less an adventure because, in part, i underestimated the extent to which i put myself in an untenable economic situation by blowing up my life as i had it organized in the interest of pursuing a relationship.

it was fun then it wasn't.

there's a book in this somewhere. a tedious book i think.

if you want to leave the master's program, think about it seriously.
would you be thinking about this without the dutch girl?
to what extent is she a pretext?

field work is key--enjoy it after the 20th.

I would say you guys should stick it out a little longer...it's too soon.

I know, I'm such a bore, everyone is telling you to leave everything and go for it. I'm not saying you shouldn't...I'm saying you should be a little more sure that it will be a good call, especially because you'll have to give up on your masters I expect. Of course, there's no way of being sure it will really work out in the long-term, even when you think you know someone well...for me, I'd definitely make sure that person isn't the ONLY reason I'm moving, especially that early on in getting to know someone. That way, if it goes to shit, I would still have something to prop me up if I'm feeling down.

You must build a shrine to her and then craft a semi-powerful talisman comprised of hair, nail clippings, scraps of cloth, bits of dead skin and a generous amount of animal fat.

Once constructed and in place the correct answer may or may not become apparent.

Don't forget the electricity!

Get what time you can in together, and see where it goes. Either you have lots of great sex and then things die out and you move on, or you have lots of great sex, fall in love and all the happy crap that comes with it. Either way, enjoy it while it's good. Moments like that are all to rare. Run with it, but don't push it to fast. See where it goes and work it from there.

I applied for a Master's program at the University in Iceland once, back in 2001. It was my pretext for coming to Iceland... to have a reason to be here. Upon my arrival and visiting the department, I realized how tenuous that reason was. It was an asinine idea (of mine) to be studying for an MA (in English Lit, of all things!) in Iceland--I dropped the program within 3 days and just enrolled as a foreign student, no program, just taking whatever classes I wanted. It gave me the experience I was really looking for, without being trapped in a program that I didn't truly want to be a part of, anyway. I did 2 semesters, basically for fun, and then went home.

Of course, there was no love interest, but I think that would only have served as a catalyst, anyway. My heart wasn't in that program at the time--it was just the "next thing" to do. Is that how you feel about this Master's, or is it something else? What about her PhD program? Can either of you defer your entrances for a semester or so, to give this a chance?

I guess this is all to say that I find it's easier to quit something before it's begun, than to quit something in the middle of it (like my PhD program right now). So if you can delay your Master's program, or apply for it again... then go for it (and if your sojourn to the NL goes well). But I guess if it's a now-or-never thing with school, then start it this fall, and see how it goes... and see her at Christmas, I guess.

1st thing in the morning i´m wandering into uni to see if i can defer my degree. it would just make perfect sense.

ok time for something that happens pretty rarely: an update.

*edit: longer version looks more like a blog entry so there it is*

the trip to the netherlands was in effect a disaster. she was sick and stressed and i felt neglected even though she warned me previously and i became irritable and depressed and sorta took it out on her. also was in no condition to get an impression of the city. thankfully we´re still speaking frequently and slowly i´m beng convinced to move to the netherlands. pretty much committed to spending a few weeks there in oct which will hopefully be a much more +ve experience.