*Nikki*

For some reason I wish I had more sex partners before I decided to tie the knot and say forever.

I don't regret being married, I just wish I had been a bit more out there for I did. There are a couple people in particular I wish I had hooked up with. I am not talking about relationships here. Just sex.

absorbentishe

Well, I wish I would have waited. I wish I would have experienced more women. I wish I wouldn't have lost touch with so many friends because I spent too much time with my fiancee. The one thing I wish I had done more of was, become a professional golfer. I had practiced, and played so much, that was my goal, but that dissolved once I met her. I wanted to be with her more than golf.

Daoust

I spend a lot of time thinking about this. I never lived alone before I was married. I went from University, living with a family, right into marriage. I never had my own apartment, I never travelled on my own, I never dated much, or at all. I didn't hardly have any time by myself. The thing was though, at the time I really didn't want to be single. I hated being single. So sometimes its just about the grass on the other side of the fence seeming greener. I love being married, and I love my kids. I wouldn't change what I have now. I think I should have had more time as a single person. I think I'd appreciate being married more.

__________________
I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace
But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys

Lizra

Holy Crap! I wish I would have married sooner and not done lots of the crazy things I did! I blame the 70's but, still.....Two men at at once ......that might have been good......

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Happy atheist

Bill O'Rights

Anything I wish i had done before marriage?

Well...yeah...

Unfortunately, the restraining order restricted me from coming within 100 yards of Alyson Hannigan.

__________________
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

ngdawg

I wished I'd thought long and hard about why I was getting married....'I want a party' is not a good reason

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Charlatan

There is always the option that you could still have sex with others even though you are married.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Daniel_

I wish I'd realised that my first wife and I didn't actually get on or have anyting much in common by the time we wed.

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╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

Lizra

I don't think so! That would really ruin everything!
Imo, silly old sex is NOT worth messing up all that fantastic love! Every serious relationship I ever had that went to the "we can have sex with others, we are mature and can handle this, it won't damage anything" phase was sadly finished within 2 to 3 years.
Anyway....for me, that's what's makes marriage so special and wonderful! The absolute and total faith that we are here for each other.....always....
Sex is a little game of tic tac toe.....marriage is the fabulous novel I've been waiting all my life to write.....

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Glory's Sun

I wish I had hooked up with *Nikki*


This is a very viable option. I know many married couples who enjoy the swinger lifestyle. It's not that they don't love the other person; in fact, they love the person more than most normal couples. They just like to explore other sexual sides of life.

I can't say there's anything I really wish I had done before marriage because I was the wild one to say the least. Perhaps in a more mature approach, I wish I had things a little better in the arena of business so I could take more time to spend with the family.

The_Jazz

I sowwed my wild oats in the early part of my life. I don't have a problem being with my wife for the rest of my life, and since that's a deal-breaker for her, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Besides, back in the mid-90's, I had a streak of 8 consecutive weekends spent with different women that broke because I got bored with it.

I wish I'd traveled more in Russia - my wife doesn't really want to go, and since her fears aren't necessarily groundless, it's going to be hard to negotiate her off that point.

I wish I'd done more backpacking and camping - the wife has actually called a night spent in a 5-star resort's cabana on the water camping. It's not something she's interested in, but I'll most likely just have to wait until my son is old enough to go.

Really, there's not much that I gave up to be married. I'm more of an outdoors person than she is, but I just have to put that part of my life on hold while waiting for Max to get old enough to do that stuff with me.

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"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

Average_Joe

Before getting married......no, I think I did everything I wanted to do.

Before having kids.....I could make a long list.

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I think I'll procrastinate......in a little while.

Ample

I got married at 21. I probably had about the average amount of partners a 21yo would have. Yeah soon after being married I did not regret having more sex, but getting married too soon. After 10 years of being married I got divorced, and have been single for a year. I have had a fair about of sex in that time with different girls. Some of it great, some of it meh. I think thought of having more notches in my belt was more enticing then actually having them.

__________________

Her juju beads are so nice
She kissed my third cousin twice
Im the king of pomona

fresnelly

I wouldn't have delayed our marriage for a second and I don't believe there is a more perfect match for me. I know when I've found a good thing.

However, I missed out on a lot of relationships in my formative years (junior high, highschool) because I was either too chicken to ask girls out, or self concious to recognize and accept their attentions. I really blew it back then and regret not having more positive experiences back in the day.

So that's a regret about my youth, not about my current life.

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Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life

Sultana

There is no such thing as a life without regret. There is the regret of "do" or "didn't do", you only get to chose between them. --me

I got married pretty young, although I insisted on finishing college first, for which I am very grateful. At the time, getting married to my husband was the right thing to do.

I guess in a way the only thing I might have done differently is to have gone to the college of my choice in San Diego or San Francisco area rather than to a religious college that met with my parent's approval--I paid for it myself, shouldn't I get to decide where to go?!? But I was 17 when I moved away to college, and didn't have the strength or development of self to fight that particular battle, although many others were fought and won, thank god. I probably could have finished college in 2.5 years instead of 4 (oh yeah, I'd have liked to have started out with the major I ended up graduating with) and accumulated less debt.

There are things now that I do wish that I could experience, frankly, but that would effectively end the marriage, which I am unwilling to do, heh.

One always gives up things, there is no one person you can marry and have everything exactly the way you want it forever. I remind myself of this and try to avoid the "Grass is Greener" syndrome, which is so cliche yet devistatingly effective. I'm sure if I was single and doing whatever I want, I'd hate being alone at night, no one to help me with things, etc.

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

ratbastid

Thank you. I've sowed way more wild oats since I've been married (really just the last couple years) than I ever did before marriage.

hambone

There are a ton of things that I wish I had done, but nothing too important. The whole sex with others thing is not an issue, at all. Have never, don't care to, or even wish I had.

However, I do think back on how things would have turned out if I had gone through some of the major early life stages alone, instead of with my now-wife. Such as college, move across country, starting a new job, etc. I always had my wife there to support me and me to support her. It was a fantastic situation, just wonder how I would have turned out other wise.

Also, I guess I wish I could have been more selfish, sorta. Things like buying a car now would be so much easier if it was a decision just for me, not for US, and possibly a family soon.

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"Like liquid white from fallen glass,
Nothing to cry over"

vanblah

I wish I'd gone back to New York to try and "make it" as a musician just one more time.

*Nikki*

Well that might have been a possibility on my end, but not his. He made it clear before we were married that he wanted me and just me. So by me marrying him, I have agreed to this.

Besides the kind of sex I would want would not involve him, that is why I wish I had done it before getting married.

The thing was I had the oppertunity to hook up with one individual and I was already engaged to my husband, so to me, that was a no go.

I was never single long enough to just hook up with a bunch of people. I went from a six year relationship (fiance then too) to being single for a month before I met my now husband. I wish I had taken my relationship with him a little slower to allow for me to experiment with others.

But whatever. I love my life now and wouldn't trade it for anything. Everything else is just a passing thought.

Lizra

I don't know guys.....it (marriage failure) doesn't happen overnight....I personally still advise against swinging. I've never seen it work out well. Call me old school, but I believe it's asking for trouble. Enjoy though!

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ngdawg

I agree. You'd be hardpressed to find anyone who can say they've been married 30 years and were 'swinging' the whole time. At some point, emotional intimacy can cross over to sexual intimacy; as much as we proclaim sex to be just 'fun', it's much more than that when you're deeply in love and committed. I've also found that, when an unusual but successful relationship is working, those that see it want to emulate it, not realizing what work goes on behind what others see and possibly not ever knowing the troubles within it. Then when something does go wrong(as it did with one well-respected couple), we 'think' we could do better and be successful at it.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Charlatan

I think it is in our nature to want more than one partner. To have sex with more than one partner. The marriage vow works contrary to this and forces an unnatural state of fidelity.

The swinging lifestyle is not for everyone. I know it's not for me. My wife and I acknowledge that we do not want to know if the other "needs" to go out and have sex with someone else. But both of us have permission to do so.

The risks? If the other finds out, there is a very real chance that it will be over (not good for either of us and not good for the kids). What also needs to be factored into your thinking is, is this a one night stand or a full blown affair? An affair ends up in emotions being developed and attachments made. An affair isn't fair to any party and someone will always end up getting hurt.

I currently do not take this risk and haven't for many years. I do not want to know what she does.

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Daoust

Isn't marriage all about trust? It sounds like you've negated that aspect in your marriage, Charlie. Maybe it's just me, but I'd have a hard time trying to maintain a marriage if I didn't trust my spouse. I guess it could still function as a relationship, but I think trust is pretty important. Don't you?

__________________
I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace
But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys

ngdawg

Spoken true. Hence, the word 'commitment'.
While ours is not completely over, it is not the same at all and probably never will be. Some of us are just not 'marriage material'.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Charlatan

The thing is I do trust her.

I trust her not to hurt me and vice versa.

Intellectually, I don't care if she sleeps around. I know if I can justify it in my head, there is no reason she can't in hers.

Emotionally, I do care. It would would make me jealous to think of her with someone else (and she has said the same for me).

We recognize that sometimes there are other needs that need to be met. The way to resolve this is trusting the other to be discreet and recognize the risk that if the other does hear about it, it's over.

This is why I don't use the deal. The risk is too high for me. It wasn't always this way.

I don't know about "marriage material" I don't know what that means. All I know is that marriage is a lot of work and both partners have to do a lot of heavy lifting. If one person is not working as hard as the other, it will never work.

Some people are just not meant to be together, makes more sense as a universal statement.

Marriage is not always forever. People change and I see no reason why something that was successful in the past must remain so. Sometimes divorce *is* the answer. I would never want to be in a marriage that wasn't working. It isn't good for the kids and it isn't good for either partner.

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Willravel

The only thing I can't do now is date and such, and I did wayy to much of that. I'm happy.

mirevolver

Not married yet, but engaged. Perhaps I'll be able to answer in a few years.

My fiancée is Russian. She thinks I'm crazy because, after travelling to Russia, I actually want to return.

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Aside from my great plans to become the future dictator of the moon, I have little interest in political discussions.

Willravel

You can travel after you get married, and I enjoy it more.

mirevolver

Yes, we both know that we plan to travel a lot together. It's one of the things we both enjoy.

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Aside from my great plans to become the future dictator of the moon, I have little interest in political discussions.

Lizra

Maybe someone should start a "Swinging.......good or bad?" thread .....

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Rinndalir

Well, that's the thing, it's neither 'good' nor 'bad' because it's just a lifestyle, swinging may wreck one relationship or it may be perfect for another. It's really up to the people involved. Swingers don't necessarily have a stronger or better relationship than others, just different.

LOL, yeah, same here

Atropos4

I don't regret not having more partners. The only thing I can say I regret is not discovering my liking for women before I met Alpha phi. So that I could explore that.

Granted we have talked about bringing in another woman into our relationship. I just don't know if it is worth the risk as I don't feel we know how we would really react until we actually went through with it.

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Cynthetiq

If I got married at 21 like I wanted to... yes I would have.

If I got married at 25 like I thought I should... yes I would have.

I got married at 32 and it was just right.

In fact the only thing that I may have done too much before I got married, but nah, it's all good.

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SecretMethod70

Based on sheer numbers, I could also say that I've rarely seen monogamous relationships work out. For every 2 that make it to marriage, 1 fails, and don't even get me started on all the ones that fall apart before marriage. It's crazy! At best, our culture does not provide any instruction on how to have a successful non-monogamous relationship (although, judging by how well it apparently guides us in monogamy, I'm not sure it'd have much to say anyway!), and at worst it actively shuns it. With that working against it, I'd be quite surprised if non-monogamy weren't less successful than monogamy. Still, comparing it, with all that works against it in our culture, to something that has the support of almost the entire world culture and still only manages to be 50% successful (not even counting the serial monogamist relationships that never make it to marriage), I see no reason to believe that non-monogamy is inherently less likely to succeed. It just means it requires a lot of intelligent work right now to overcome the fact there is absolutely no positive cultural discourse on the issue. In fact, considering non-monogamy is so strongly in our nature, I see no reason not to believe that it would be at least equally successful to monogamy, but probably moreso, if it had the same cultural acceptance.

Anyway, more directly related to the subject of the thread, I am 24 and not married, but I have been with the same person for the past 7 years. It's only natural for me to wonder "what if I had been actively pursuing other relationships in college?" Instead, I went through college never really feeling the need to go out and find either a girlfriend or even a one night stand. There was only one time, during my freshman year, when I seriously considered whether or not I wanted to go out and experience other relationships. I thought long and hard about it and concluded that having other experiences that might potentially lead to something meaningful (but probably wouldn't) was not something worth giving up an already meaningful and promising relationship for. Turns out it was a good decision: I only feel even stronger about our relationship now, and I haven't ever felt the need to consider anything else in place of what I have since that time early in my freshman year.

That said, I'm human and naturally have at least physical interests in other women, regardless of how confident and happy I am in my current relationship. While I am sure I could be happy if onodrim and I lived in a totally monogamous relationship the rest of our lives, living with the unrequited desire most monogamous people have (and which, of course, contributes to the extremely high adultery rate and somewhat less high divorce rate), it is the open and honest communication we have built - and continue to build, especially in the past few years - that has led us to consider the possibility of exploring non-monogamy and the benefits it might have for us. So, it's quite possible that we may find there's no reason to regret not having more experiences with more people when we're eventually married, but we may also decide that a non-monogamous relationship is not something we're really interested in and choose to live with the quite common wish that we had had more partners, while simultaneously being quite happy with our marriage.

People can all always find something to wish they did differently in their lives, but right now I see no reason not to be honest about such regrets and explore whether or not they need to remain that way.

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Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

Lizra

Speed posting....So I'm thinking "Don't get married till you want to be monogamous." (instead of swinging)

I did the swinging thing with a 7 year living together partner. His idea initially. And he was a little older than me.
I slowly became so preoccupied with appearance and self esteem issues the whole era was really depressing. It was not good (for me) to devote so much mental energy to *being sexy enough*. I would have been far more happy if the boyfriend of that era had spent his time and energy being a better lover to me, instead of chasing other skirts while keeping me for the day to day relationship. I had no serious interest in being with the other men....it was just a good way for him to not feel guilty.

When I met my future husband and he striaght up said no way he would ever share me with another man......I felt wonderful! Secure, fabulous, loved.....and it opened us up to pouring all this fantastic energy into our physical relationship. That was just my experience though.....wish I could go back in time and tell that old boyfriend to take a hike though......

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ratbastid

And you might be that someone. Check with search first, though, because it's been discussed in the past.

I can't say whether your experiences are typical, Lizra. I'm not part of a "swinging community", so I don't really know anything about that world or lifestyle. What I know is, I live with two amazing women who I love more than anything and who love me more than anything and who love each other more than anything, and it's the most incredible experience and life that I could possibly have ever created for myself and ourselves. And it's not for everyone, and it wouldn't work for everyone who might want it, and I don't recommend trying it. But it's pretty amazing for us.

Lizra

Wohf! Sounds amazing! Keep those women happy!

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Xazy

After stalking my wife for 5 years before she agreed to marry me, nope no regrets.

ngdawg

Yes, but you didn't start out that way-it was a process with a lot of work, compromise, thought, etc., and will take at least as much to keep it going.
It's a delicate balancing act. Too many look at polyamorous relationships as just a lot of sex, but if there's no real friendships, an ability to be just as platonic as romantic, something will give out.
As SM pointed out, most marriages fail at some point. Perhaps one reason is the thought that 'I don't have to work at this as hard now' starts to take hold.
Complacency, too much comfort, etc. and before too long, boredom. If we go into anything with a thought that we better really enjoy this for as long as we can because it probably won't last, instead of sitting around thinking this is forever, maybe more couples/triples would succeed in the long run.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

mixedmedia

I can say with a pretty certain conviction that I am monogamous by nature. I have been married twice and neither of them were sexually fulfilling relationships for me...as a whole. But I never struggled with the impulse or desire to seek fulfillment elsewhere. My reaction to those situations seemed to be for my sexual impulse to diminish.

And now in my current relationship, in which the sexual component is far and away more significant and compelling than my other relationships, even though I only get to see him once or twice a month, I still have no impulse or desire to look elsewhere in the interim between get-togethers. I think I'm just a one-man woman, by nature. Whether this is typical or atypical of human behavior I couldn't say.

And as for the OP...If I were giving advice to someone else about to go into marriages that had the exact same components as mine, I would advise them to wait. Wait and be sure you are marrying for the right reasons. As for myself, I have too much to lose for regret. It's too late to wish I had done things differently. Once you have children those questions become much more complicated.

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Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
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