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Twas the Night Before Christmas (A Story for the Scrooge in all of us)

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

Funny...

One question... why would the IRS be after Santa? He doesn't live in the US and isn't a citizen of the US? Those greedy bastards are trying to ruin Christmas.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charlatan

Funny...

One question... why would the IRS be after Santa? He doesn't live in the US and isn't a citizen of the US? Those greedy bastards are trying to ruin Christmas.

Don't ask me to explain the jokes -- just take them for what they are... :) :crazy:

I think I found the followup...

Quote:

May I have your attention please,
May I have your attention please,
Will the real Slim Santa please stand up.
I repeat will the real Slim Santa please stand up.
We're gonna have a problem here.

You all act like you've never seen Santa before,
Toys all over your floor, who the hell ya think brought them?
It wasn't your drunk dad or your mother that whore,
It was me and now I'm skinny and I'll tell you the score.
Its the return of Christmas but not the jolly fat elf,
my ass got so big I couldn't wipe it myself.
My doctor said, "Santa you've never looked worse, lose 200 pounds
or your heart's gonna burst."
Everybody loved me big and fat
ho-ho-ho,
Big ass Santa look at him walking around,
his belly like jelly, have some more eggnog.
They didn't give a *fuzz* if my arteries clogged,
So I said *fuzz* them and I joined a gym.
Started eatting low-fat cookies and drinking milk that was skim.
I lost so much weight I can see my candy cane,
and Mrs. Clause is happy I can *fuzz* her again.
(Your name is on my list) x2,
and if your nice, not naughty I might give you a little gift.
But here's a message for you if your a big fat slob,
If your gut is in the way your girl won't bobble your knob.
You can't expect a hoe to gobble your goo,
if you just sit there eatting twinkies,
watching Scooby Doo.
If you ain't nothing but chubby,
no girl wants a fat hubby, you'll end
up working construction.
Your love life lies in ruins and destruction,
by the time your 30 you'll be asking Santa for liposuction.
But if your thin you'll get seduction,
underneath the mistletoe.
Sing the chorus and it goes!

I'm Slim Santa, yes I'm the real Kringle.
All you fly girls like my balls cause they jiggle,
so won't the Real Slim Santa please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up.
Cause I'm Slim Santa, yes I'm the Saint Nick.
All you other fat Santa's can suck my fat *fuzz*,
so won't the Real Slim Santa please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up.

Ho-Ho-Ho I guess theres a Slim Santa in all of us.
On Donner on Blitzen lets get the *fuzz* out of here!
WEESSSTTTSIDEEEEE (echoed)