Your 2 cows - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

SirLance · 08-16-2005, 07:23 AM

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock's price goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a U.S. bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIAN
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks and comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow, but its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children."
The legislature passes a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations and the cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

cyrnel · 08-16-2005, 07:39 AM

<img src="http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/images/smilies/lol.gif"> Got some good laughs out of that.

I could live with the Italian version.

Moo

JustJess · 08-16-2005, 07:47 AM

Quote:

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

Is it wrong that this part made me giggle out loud??

Inquiring Mind · 08-25-2005, 08:29 PM

You're a funny bastard. Thanks for the laughs.

kramus · 08-25-2005, 09:40 PM

I didn't realize just how widespread the "two cows" thing was untill now. I read a list years ago , and my favorite was surrealism. I can't find it offhand, so I did a search and came up with this . . .

http://www.thecapitol.net/Recommended/twocows.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_have_two_cows

Thanks, Sir Lance, for the smiles

la petite moi · 08-25-2005, 10:18 PM

Haha, saw that in Political Science last semester.

Brewmaniac · 08-26-2005, 08:05 AM

Hey Lance, should have checked search, I posted this back in May of '03, then platypus added some good ones. Thanks though for resurfacing a good one. Cheers!

Quote:

Originally Posted by platypus

I would add...

FREE AGENT: You have two cows. Despite the constant attention you pay them, there are frequent dry spells during which they don't give milk.

PINK SLIPPER: You have two cows. Suddenly they become a liability and you're forced to sell them on Ebay to pay your exorbitant rent.

DOT-COMMER: You have two cows. A week later you have two thousand cows. A week later you have none.

ENTREPRENEUR: You have two cows. You develop and launch tucows.com.

VENTURE CAPITALIST: You have two cows. You give them to the entrepreneur (see above).

CEO: You think you have two cows. You actually have two sheep, but no one's got the guts to tell you.

ANGEL INVESTOR: You have two cows. You give one to a start-up. The cow produces no milk. You exercise your exit option and get your cow back.

START-UP: You have two cows; your press release describes that as an IPO fast track.

START-UP II v2: You have two cows and 20 million in funding. Publicly you promise 50 million gallons a year within two years, but privately you're still debating where the udders are and what they do.

DESIGNER: You have two cows. You move the udders to the side and paint them fluorescent yellow, hoping that will make the milking process more intuitive and fun.

PROGRAMMER: You have two cows. One keeps tipping over, yet nobody is pushing it. The other fails to yield any milk, despite being in good health. You spend nearly every waking minute trying to determine what is wrong with your cows and fixing them.

FILE SHARERS: You have two cows. You share clones of them with all the other herders in the pasture. The courts order the pasture closed for violating the copyright laws.

3D ARTISTS: We make our cows from scratch. They do what we want.

OPEN SOURCE: You have two cows. You invite other herders to improve your cows. You have two cows that are better than before.

GEORGE W. BUSH: One of your daddy's friends gives you two cows.

NATIVE AMERICAN: You don't own two cows.

BUDDHIST: You are two cows.

ZEN: There are no cows.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

mrklixx · 08-26-2005, 08:32 AM

How about:

Vienna Corporation

You had two cows. You now have 27500 wieners.

Racer · 08-26-2005, 09:53 AM

All excellent posts. Good for a Friday laugh.

mystmarimatt · 08-26-2005, 10:08 AM

Quote:

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Almost fell out of my chair laughing.

Quote:

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

Yeah, the French Corporation is me.

SirLance · 08-26-2005, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brewmaniac

Hey Lance, should have checked search, I posted this back in May of '03, then platypus added some good ones. Thanks though for resurfacing a good one. Cheers!

Dang, I usually do. Must've been in a hurry. Sorry Brew.

08-16-2005, 07:23 AM	#1 (permalink)
SirLance Junkie Location: In the middle of the desert.	Your 2 cows DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock's price goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a U.S. bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital. IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow. CALIFORNIAN You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks and comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow, but its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children." The legislature passes a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations and the cow starves to death. The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault. __________________ DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

08-16-2005, 07:39 AM	#2 (permalink)
cyrnel Adequate Location: In my angry-dome.	<img src="http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/images/smilies/lol.gif"> Got some good laughs out of that. I could live with the Italian version. Moo __________________ There are a vast number of people who are uninformed and heavily propagandized, but fundamentally decent. The propaganda that inundates them is effective when unchallenged, but much of it goes only skin deep. If they can be brought to raise questions and apply their decent instincts and basic intelligence, many people quickly escape the confines of the doctrinal system and are willing to do something to help others who are really suffering and oppressed." -Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media, p. 195

08-25-2005, 08:29 PM	#4 (permalink)
Inquiring Mind Upright Location: The Land Of Manna-AKA Australia!	You're a funny bastard. Thanks for the laughs. __________________ But why??

08-25-2005, 09:40 PM	#5 (permalink)
kramus loving the curves Location: my Lady's manor	I didn't realize just how widespread the "two cows" thing was untill now. I read a list years ago , and my favorite was surrealism. I can't find it offhand, so I did a search and came up with this . . . http://www.thecapitol.net/Recommended/twocows.htm http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_have_two_cows Thanks, Sir Lance, for the smiles __________________ And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ... I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

08-26-2005, 08:32 AM	#8 (permalink)
mrklixx President Rick Location: location location	How about: Vienna Corporation You had two cows. You now have 27500 wieners. __________________ This post is content. If you don't like it then you are not content. Or perhaps just incontinent. This is not a link - Do not click here I hate animated avatars.

08-25-2005, 10:18 PM	#6 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	Haha, saw that in Political Science last semester.

08-26-2005, 09:53 AM	#9 (permalink)
Racer Upright Location: Pensacola	All excellent posts. Good for a Friday laugh.