Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community  

Go Back   Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community > Interests > Tilted Humor


 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 10-08-2004, 12:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Washington State
Chili Anyone? (Oldie but a goodie)

Chili anyone?



Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
City park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named
Tony, who was visiting from Union City, California.

Tony: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Tony is Judge #3)

CHILI # 1 EDDIE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Tony) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 RONNY'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all of the beer...

CHILI # 4 DAVE'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 PAM'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.

CHILI # 7 CARLA'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 KAREN'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
__________________
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-- Emo Philips
Twizted is offline  
Old 10-08-2004, 09:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: Heaven........ Nope. Iowa!!
I could not stop laughing.

Thank-you

Howdee
Howdee is offline  
Old 10-09-2004, 07:48 PM   #3 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Minnesota
Haaaahahahaha!

My step-mom likes really spicy stuff and when I was a little kid i used to try to condition my tongue with hot sauce so that I wouldn't be shown up by my mom!

Great stuff!
LeviticusMky is offline  
Old 10-11-2004, 02:50 PM   #4 (permalink)
DILLIGAF
 
PayUp's Avatar
 
Location: AZ
My boss had to leave the room because he was crying.(I think he might have been pissin his pants). One of my personal favorites.
__________________
Born to Lose.
PayUp is offline  
Old 10-11-2004, 05:05 PM   #5 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Washington State
I can't even read it even today without chuckling... it's probably my fav joke of all time.
__________________
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-- Emo Philips
Twizted is offline  
Old 10-11-2004, 07:17 PM   #6 (permalink)
Crazy
 
carrot glace's Avatar
 
Location: orange county
im sure he's just exagerating, lol
__________________
"blaine is a pain and that is the truth"
carrot glace is offline  
Old 10-11-2004, 07:26 PM   #7 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: Where hockey pucks run rampant
This was bloody hilarious! I only wish that I could some how have been there to see it.
__________________
Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!
duckduck is offline  
Old 10-14-2004, 08:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.
 
Willravel's Avatar
 
Oh man, that's funny. He lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like rushin water. That's original! ROFL
Willravel is offline  
Old 10-15-2004, 06:27 AM   #9 (permalink)
Banned
 
Location: Massachusetts, USA
Yeah, that's a wonderful bit.
denim is offline  
Old 10-15-2004, 06:43 AM   #10 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Moderator Emeritus
Location: Chicago
People wonder about you when you sit at your desk looking at a computer screen, laughing - it's worth it -- this joke was funny...
__________________
Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.
maleficent is offline  
Old 10-15-2004, 06:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
Insane
 
Dane Bramage's Avatar
 
Location: Charlotte, NC
Best line...

"I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone."

Truely one of the internet's classic joke.
__________________
Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty-three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules — and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress.
Kurt Vonnegut - Sirens of Titan
Dane Bramage is offline  
Old 10-18-2004, 11:43 PM   #12 (permalink)
Tilted
 
kifferfong's Avatar
 
Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
It's a repost, but an old one, and i enjoyed reading it all over again!
kifferfong is offline  
Old 10-19-2004, 04:21 AM   #13 (permalink)
Psycho
 
DJ Happy's Avatar
 
Oh, the mirth!!! Thank you very much for sharing that with us!!
DJ Happy is offline  
Old 10-19-2004, 10:22 AM   #14 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: Pensacola
The first time I read this about a year ago, I nearly fell out of my chair. Same thing this time. Bravo Zulu (well done).
Racer is offline  
Old 10-20-2004, 05:11 AM   #15 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Japan
I read this for the first time years ago and the people around me wondered why I was laughing uncontrollably with tears streaming down my face, until they read it. I loved it then and I love it now.
__________________
Thockmorton knew if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.
WarriorBuddha is offline  
Old 10-20-2004, 06:19 AM   #16 (permalink)
Upright
 
WIcked joke !!! Loved it from start to finish. Very original and different from the usual stuf we read here.
spock is offline  
Old 10-15-2007, 10:31 AM   #17 (permalink)
<3 TFP
 
xepherys's Avatar
 
Location: 17TLH2445607250
fantastic!!
__________________
The prospect of achieving a peace agreement with the extremist group of MILF is almost impossible...
-- Emmanuel Pinol, Governor of Cotobato


My Homepage
xepherys is offline  
Old 10-15-2007, 03:10 PM   #18 (permalink)
Aurally Fixated
 
allaboutmusic's Avatar
 
I hadn't seen this before. Hilarious!
allaboutmusic is offline  
Old 10-15-2007, 06:42 PM   #19 (permalink)
Insane
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by allaboutmusic
I hadn't seen this before. Hilarious!
I HAD seen this one before, but still hilarious!
waltert is offline  
 

Tags
chili, goodie, oldie

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:21 AM.

Tilted Forum Project

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2
© 2002-2012 Tilted Forum Project

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360