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05-02-2003 07:58 AM |
B.A.R.S. outbreak
Public Health Warning - B.A.R.S.
Health Canada has issued a health warning regarding a newly discovered disease which is rapidly spreading throughout the world. The disease is B.A.R.S. (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome) and effects people of many different ages. Believed to have started in Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease seems to effect people who congregate in Pubs and Taverns. It is yet unknown how the disease is transmitted but approximately three billion people world-wide have been affected, with new cases being discovered every day.
Early symptoms of the disease include an uncontrollable urge at 5:00 pm to consume a beer or alcoholic beverage. This urge is most keenly felt on Fridays. More advanced symptoms of the disease include singing loudly off-key, heightened sexual attraction (even towards hideous targets), and loud laughter. Sometimes in this stage, deaths have occurred, usually accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Zeke, watch this!" In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and spout sayings like, "Goony Goo Goo", or "I gaga go home". Vomiting is a frequent symptom at this stage. If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine yourself in a bar until last call. Your diligence in containing the B.A.R.S. outbreak is greatly appreciated.
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