wondash

Dear Diary...

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim-wear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.............

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth
it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She
is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was
so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going
to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.

Thursday:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me
on the rowing machine
- which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that bitch Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my
body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &%#(#&**!!@*@
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. Which I am sure
you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum
laude from. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it
have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root
canal or a vasectomy.

petergriffin24

haha long but worth it pretty funny

slant eyes

funny...but

he's forty and

this would make him 15, playin on a college football team. wouldn't he have been crushed?

__________________
no man or woman is worth your tears - and the one who is, won't make you cry

question authority, don't ask why, just do it!

skaterpunk

good point

__________________
"The laws that keep us safe, these same laws condemn us to boredom. Without access to true chaos, we'll never have true peace. Unless everything can get worse, it won't get any better. This is all the stuff the Mommy used to tell him. She used to say, "The only frontier you have left is the world of intangibles. Everything else is sewn up too tight." Caged inside too many laws. By intangibles, she meant the Internet, movies, music, stories, art, rumors, computer programs, anything that isn't real. Virtual realities. Make-believe stuff. The culture. The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it's only the intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die."

irseg

Heheh that is so true! I remember when I first started working out, the next day I hopped in the car and thought the power steering pump died because it was such a nightmare to steer. Buckling my seatbelt and even shifting gears made my chest hurt like hell. Good times.

petergriffin24

oh you gotta love being sore I've laid in bed for a day listening to my damn alarm going off because I was too hurt to move

iktoweya

good stuff

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