Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community  

Go Back   Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community > Interests > Tilted Humor


 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 10-23-2003, 09:15 AM   #1 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Week at the Gym; One Man's Story...

Dear Diary...

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim-wear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.............

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth
it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She
is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was
so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going
to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.

Thursday:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me
on the rowing machine
- which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that bitch Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my
body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &%#(#&**!!@*@
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. Which I am sure
you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum
laude from. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it
have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root
canal or a vasectomy.
wondash is offline  
Old 10-23-2003, 10:13 AM   #2 (permalink)
Insane
 
haha long but worth it pretty funny
petergriffin24 is offline  
Old 10-23-2003, 12:56 PM   #3 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: cali
funny...but

he's forty and

Quote:
Although I am still
in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
this would make him 15, playin on a college football team. wouldn't he have been crushed?
__________________
no man or woman is worth your tears - and the one who is, won't make you cry

question authority, don't ask why, just do it!
slant eyes is offline  
Old 10-23-2003, 05:56 PM   #4 (permalink)
The Ultimate Badass
 
Location: Tampa
good point
__________________
"The laws that keep us safe, these same laws condemn us to boredom. Without access to true chaos, we'll never have true peace. Unless everything can get worse, it won't get any better. This is all the stuff the Mommy used to tell him. She used to say, "The only frontier you have left is the world of intangibles. Everything else is sewn up too tight." Caged inside too many laws. By intangibles, she meant the Internet, movies, music, stories, art, rumors, computer programs, anything that isn't real. Virtual realities. Make-believe stuff. The culture. The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it's only the intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die."
skaterpunk is offline  
Old 10-23-2003, 06:38 PM   #5 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: Florida
Re: Week at the Gym; One Man's Story...

Quote:
Originally posted by wondash
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Heheh that is so true! I remember when I first started working out, the next day I hopped in the car and thought the power steering pump died because it was such a nightmare to steer. Buckling my seatbelt and even shifting gears made my chest hurt like hell. Good times.
irseg is offline  
Old 10-24-2003, 05:56 AM   #6 (permalink)
Insane
 
oh you gotta love being sore I've laid in bed for a day listening to my damn alarm going off because I was too hurt to move
petergriffin24 is offline  
Old 10-24-2003, 10:48 PM   #7 (permalink)
These pretzels are making me thirsty!!
 
iktoweya's Avatar
 
Location: 105B
good stuff
__________________
i miss K-Wise
iktoweya is offline  
 

Tags
gym, man, story, week

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:41 PM.

Tilted Forum Project

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2
© 2002-2012 Tilted Forum Project

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360