The idiots thread

[Tully Mars]

You've met them, you've heard them, you're read about them-

Post your idiot stories here.

Idiot #1-

From a lady in Kansas-

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

[Tully Mars]

From a lady in the Midwest-

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill l back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

[sadistikdreams]

Originally Posted by Tully Mars

From a lady in the Midwest-

That's hilarious. You don't even need to know math to work at McDs.

[ItWasMe]

from ItWasMe:

My ex liked to work on cars. I don't know what he was doing to his old camaro this particular time, but he disassembled/reassembled what looked like most of the car in our carport. When he had it reassembled, he ran into a problem and asked my advice. MY advice ... I had never even changed a tire at that time. He said that he can push down on the gas pedal, but it stuck when he did. He needed something that would let him push down on the accelerator, yet push it back up when he took his foot off the pedal.

I said, "You mean like a spring?"

He thunked himself on the head and said, "So THAT's what that thing was for!"

Needless to say, I was a bit nervous about riding anywhere in that car until he made sure it wouldn't fall apart while we were driving down the street.

[Tully Mars]

I used to work with troubled teens in a work camp setting. They'd work one week for the Oregon State Parks and attend an in house high school the next week. The idea was for them to obtain an education and earn money to pay restitution to their victims. I rebuilt a VW bug one summer. Once I got the engine, drive line etc... done I started driving it. The exterior went from a banged up light blue, to several different colored fenders and hood to finally a solid darker blue when I painted it. On the day I arrived at work with the car completely done and one color a young man there walked out to meet me. He said "wow, that doesn't even look like the same car. How old is it? I told him "it's a 68 so it's 20 years old." Which prompted him to ask me "How old are you?" I told him I was 25. He thought about it for a moment and said "Man, pretty soon that car's going to be older then you."

Umm, kid that isn't how time works.

[uncle phil]

This past February in France, a 71-year-old pensioner met a shocking end when his frugal attempt to illuminate his yard with power siphoned from the National Grid backfired spectacularly.

The gentleman in question illegally opened a major power junction box at the front of his house, intending to hard-wire a cable to his garden shed. Unfortunately, the poor chap attempted to do this rewiring during a major downpour.

The fatal result was all too predictable. He was immediately deep fried and declared deceased at the scene...

[Tully Mars]

Another one from a person in Kansas-

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

[uncle phil]

This past April in Texas, a contract worker was hired to install reinforcement bars on a communications tower near Camp Bullis. He was using power tools high above the ground, when two other workers saw him lean back and fall 225 feet to his death. Turns out, the man had loosened the bolts on the bar to which he was attached.

Police called it a tragic accident...

[laconic1]

Originally Posted by Tully Mars

From a lady in the Midwest-

I can't even begin to count how many times I have completely flummoxed the person at the drive thru window giving them the extra change. 9 times out of 10 they do not give me the correct amount back.

[Amaras]

This thread is turning out to be a sort of Darwin Awards tribute, isn't it?

[cyklone]

I had a lady come into my office to ask about hypnotherapy recently. She wanted to know if it could be used to help remember things. When I told her it could do under certain circumstances, she proceeded to tell me she had a 6 month old daughter. A bit bemused by her response, I asked why she needed hypnotherapy for her memory. She replied that she couldn't remember the name of her daughter's father and thought hypnotherapy might help.

[Tully Mars]

Source unknown-

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

I thought about saying this myself a few times, but TSA can have no sense of humor (or logic) and I'd rather get through as quickly as possible.

[uncle phil]

It's raining. You're lonely. Why not?

That was how 41-year-old Xian found himself in August of this year in Hong Kong, face down on a bench, and calling for help in the middle of the night. The lonely man had noticed that the steel sit-up benches in LanTian Park had numerous ventilation holes, and thought it might be possible to use them for sexual gratification.

Once Xian became aroused, he found he was stuck and could not remove himself from the hole in the bench. Quite understandably, he panicked. Police received a call from a disturbed man, and arrived to find poor Xian trapped face-down on the bench.

Doctors were summoned to the scene. They tried, but emergency workers had to cut the entire bench free and take him to the hospital.

Four painful hours later, doctors finally separated Xian from his bench. It is certainly possible that the lack of blood flow could have caused sufficient damage that doctors would have been forced to remove his penis.

This is a bad date that Xian will never forget.

[LoganSnake]

Chinese are weird.

[highdro69]

I was working at CompUSA a few years ago, and an older gentleman came in and asked if we sold the googles. After an awkward and rushed explanation of "No," he proceeded to ask if we sold computers.........

[Jozrael]

I don't find that as idiotic, just out of touch. A lot of the older generation responds that way. My grandma still can't wrap her head around the concept of a website :\

[Tully Mars]

Another one from a person in Kansas-

The cross walk light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

[highdro69]

Originally Posted by Jozrael

I don't find that as idiotic, just out of touch. A lot of the older generation responds that way. My grandma still can't wrap her head around the concept of a website :

by older, i meant like 50, not 65 hehe. perhaps i should have said middle aged, huh?

[tekaweni]

Yeah, middle and old age are relative to your own.

Middle-aged is older than whatever age you happen to be
Old is way more than that.

[Varulven]

A friend (Malte) plays the drums in a local band and last month we were late for their concert.

Another friend called Malte on his mobile and asked:

"Hi Malte. Have you started?"

[vanblah]

Originally Posted by Varulven

A friend (Malte) plays the drums in a local band and last month we were late for their concert.

Another friend called Malte on his mobile and asked:

"Hi Malte. Have you started?"

You'd be surprised how many people I've seen answer their phones on stage.

I did it once as a joke -- I held the phone up to the mic and tried to get my daughter to say "hi" to the audience. She just giggled ... which was even better.

[flat5]

I was a guest soloist with a big band. We play the tune and at the end I'm supposed to play a big cadenza. Comes the time and I pull out my mobile phone and say "I can't talk to you right now, I'm in the middle of a cadenza." I then signaled the band for the big last chord. Some people enjoyed that.

[ratbastid]

Originally Posted by flat5

I was a guest soloist with a big band. We play the tune and at the end I'm supposed to play a big cadenza. Comes the time and I pull out my mobile phone and say "I can't talk to you right now, I'm in the middle of a cadenza." I then signaled the band for the big last chord. Some people enjoyed that.

"Sing Sing Sing"?

[uncle phil]

After clocking a car at 82 mph in a 40 mph zone in Ocala, FL, a sheriff's deputy pulled the driver over -- and caught a huge whiff of alcohol on the driver's breath. Tina M. Boggess, 41, allegedly didn't pass a field sobriety test and was taken to the Marion County Jail. Before she could be booked, jailers asked Boggess to remove her shoes. Deputies noticed that she took them off along with the rest of her clothes, holding on to the wall because she couldn't otherwise keep her balance. Deputies then gave her a breath test, which came back at 0.157 percent, nearly twice the legal limit for drivers, and she was booked for drunk driving. It was her first DUI arrest.

So perhaps it's just an old habit that she gets undressed for the guys as soon as she's fully drunk...

[Tully Mars]

The reason workers hate management...

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

[uncle phil]

A man allegedly tried to steal an automated teller machine from a credit union in Leavenworth, Kansas, by using a stolen Bobcat to rip the ATM off its mount. Then, to break open the ATM, he dropped the cash machine down an embankment behind the financial institution. But "it makes it easier when you let go of it," said Leavenworth Police Chief Patrick Kitchens. "That way you don't go with it." Police arrived to find the suspect trapped inside the stolen vehicle at the bottom of the embankment, right next to the battered ATM, which had not broken open. "It is stunning that he is still alive," Kitchens said. "We are talking about a 50-foot embankment -- basically straight down." The unnamed 49-year-old man was airlifted to a hospital in serious condition.

Ironically, he wanted the money because he couldn't afford health insurance...

[highdro69]

[uncle phil]

Anadel Carrizales was driving near Monterrey, Mexico, when he saw a woman in a miniskirt broken down on the side of the road. It was a trap: when he stopped, the woman told him an accomplice had a gun pointed at him. She then super-glued his hands to his steering wheel, tied him up with shipping tape, and demanded his money. He didn't have any, so she took his credit cards and fled. Carrizales' engine was still running, so he drove until he found a police officer to help.

Now that's a stick-up...

[uncle phil]

In France last February, a 71-year-old pensioner met a shocking end when his frugal attempt to illuminate his yard with power siphoned from the National Grid backfired spectacularly.

The gentleman in question illegally opened a major power junction box at the front of his house, intending to hard-wire a cable to his garden shed. Unfortunately, the poor chap attempted to do this rewiring during a major downpour.

The fatal result was all too predictable. He was immediately deep fried and declared deceased at the scene.

Lessons:
1--Don't hardwire your shed to a local power substation
2--Don't hardwire your shed to a power line...in the rain!
3--There is such a thing as being too frugal.

[Tully Mars]

Originally Posted by uncle phil

In France last February, a 71-year-old pensioner met a shocking end when his frugal attempt to illuminate his yard with power siphoned from the National Grid backfired spectacularly.

The gentleman in question illegally opened a major power junction box at the front of his house, intending to hard-wire a cable to his garden shed. Unfortunately, the poor chap attempted to do this rewiring during a major downpour.

The fatal result was all too predictable. He was immediately deep fried and declared deceased at the scene.

Lessons:
1--Don't hardwire your shed to a local power substation
2--Don't hardwire your shed to a power line...in the rain!
3--There is such a thing as being too frugal.

Hmm, this post sounds familiar for some reason.

[uncle phil]

Originally Posted by Tully Mars

Hmm, this post sounds familiar for some reason.

fuck...

must have been the long version...

and alcohol may have been involved...

[murp0434]

I had a lady at the regional office call the other day and ask me to fax her some paper because she was all out.


this is the same one who called asking if we could fax her document back to her b/c she faxed it to the wrong person by mistake

[uncle phil]

An 88-year-old woman in Gresham, Ore., confronted an intruder in her home. The man, who wasn't wearing a stitch of clothing, grabbed her and pushed her face-first into a living room chair. The unnamed woman took her fate into her own hands: she reached back and grabbed the intruder's "cahoochies" (as Multnomah County Sheriff's Office spokesman Paul McRedmond put it), "giving him a good squeeze."

The man "tore free and ran back out the way he had come in," but deputies were nearby and arrested a 46-year-old man on charges of burglary, harassment and indecency. His name: Michael Gordon Dick.

His eyes are no longer crossed, but it'll be another week before he'll be able to close them...

[highdro69]

I went to a greek restaurant for lunch the other day and ordered a chicken caesar salad. The waiter asked me what kind of dressing I wanted.

[dippin]

I went on this skiing trip with a few friends in college. One of the girls had never seen snow, so she decided to put a bit of it in a bottle to take home and show mom. I was a bit shocked and reminded her that snow melts. She didnt pay attention to it and filled the little bottle anyways. The next day, she was back getting more snow. I asked her why and she told me that the snow from the previous day had melted... I simply gave up and walked away.

[uncle phil]

In Italy this past July, Gerhard, 68, was queued at a traffic light in his Porsche Cayenne sportscar. Before one reaches the light, there is a railroad crossing, and Gerhard had not let the queue progress forward far enough before he drove onto the tracks. As you might imagine, given Murphy's Law, a train was coming.

The safety bars came down, leaving the Porsche trapped on the rails. According to witnesses, it took the driver awhile to realize he was stuck. Finally he jumped from the car and started to run - straight toward the oncoming train, waving his arms in an attempt to save his sportscar!

The attempt was partly successful. The car received less damage than its owner, who landed 30 meters away. Attempts to revive him were unsuccessful.

The moral of the story? Momentum always wins...

[troit]

Stupid Criminals:

a 24-year-old everett man was arrested for allegedly trying to sell oxycodone and other drugs inside a stall in the men's bathroom at the everett police station.

not ready for prime time: In january, police in cape coral, fla., were seeking lakeitha watson-atkinson for shoplifting from a tj maxx. The thief escaped after running from store security, but not before she was knocked down twice by her getaway car. In the commotion, a check made out to watson-atkinson fell to the ground. [fort myers news-press, 1-14-09]

luke radick, 21, was charged with attempted robbery of the national bank of palmerton in sciota, pa., in january. Bank employees refused to buzz radick in for the simple reason that he stood at the door, covering his face and holding a shotgun

[uncle phil]

This happened this past March in the Czech Republic:

Steel is valuable, especially the high-grade alloy used in steel cable. Scrap metal dealers do not ask questions. They pay in cash. And a good supply of steel cable can be found in elevator shafts.

This particular gold mine was a towering shaft inside an empty granary near Zatec, forty miles northwest of Prague. The cable was tightly fastened, and the far end of it disappeared into the shadowy distance above.

After substantial wear and tear on a hacksaw, our man finally cut through the strong steel cable. At that instant the counterbalance, no longer held in check, started to move
silently downward, accelerating until it reached the bottom of the shaft.

Result: one proud winner of a "terminal velocity" Darwin Award.

R.I.P