Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - one or two of these may be a little risque'

Some of these may have been posted before, but I had never seen them here, so:

A guy visits his doctor complaining of a really sharp headache along the left hand side of his brain.
"Right" the doctor says, ruminating on the problem. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah," responds our protagonist.
"Do you masturbate?" asks the Doc.
Somewhat taken aback the guy replies "err... well... yeah."
"It's great, isn't it!" replies the Dr, with a massive smile.

A man walks into a bar and sits down for a drink. The woman sitting next to him couldn't help but notice the sad look on his face as he orders a drink. She proceeds to ask him "What's wrong"
"My wife left me," the man replies.
"Oh, that is so sad, I am sorry to here that," says the woman. "Why did she leave you?"
"Well, to be honest, she said that I was too kinky."
The woman then says "Well, you won't believe this, but just last year my husband left me, for the very same reason. What do you say we finish these drinks, head back to my place, and see what happens?"
The man agrees, And when they get back to her place, she tells him to make himself comfortable and proceeds to the bedroom. She decides to make the best of it, and pulls out her finest kinky outfit. Black leather boots that go to her knees. Crotchless panties, and a bustier in black patent leather. A spiked collar and long black gloves. She ties her hair back in a tight pony tail, grabs her whip and heads for the door.
As she walks out she sees the man just opening the door to leave. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I thought we were going to have some fun."
The man replies , "I already fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm out of here."

A young, good looking, extremely wealthy, 35 year-old guy goes to his doctor for a physical. After his doctor checks him out and finds him in excellent health asks if there's anything he may have missed that's bothering him. The man says everything is fine except for one problem. The doctor asks, "what is it?"
The guy says, "well, every day I wake up around 8am and my wife, a 21-year-old former Miss Brazil who is a gourmet chef and sexual dynamo, goes right under the covers and gives me the most fantastic blowjob in the world, after she finishes that I jump in the shower and she goes downstairs and makes a big beautiful breakfast, which we both eat, after which she insiststhat I make wild love to her on the kitchen floor before I go to the office."
The doctor, a bit taken back asks, "you do that every morning?" The guy responds "every morning." The doctor asks, "then what?"
"Well", the guy says, "I get to the office and my secretary, who is a 22-year-old beautiful blonde bombshell, and former Miss October 2001, follows me right into the office, gets under my desk and gives me a blowjob that rivals the ones my wife gives me. Then I head out for lunch, return around 2pm, at which time my secretary gathers two other secretaries from the office (both perfect 10s) and the four of us go at it for about two hours on the carpet in front of my desk."
The doctor, again taken back asks, "you do that every afternoon?" The guy responds "every afternoon." The doctors asks, "then what?"
Our hero then says, "then I go home and my wife has a great big gourmet dinner ready for me, we eat and I take her and our 19-year-old Swedish maid upstairs and the three of us have about an hour-long orgy, then, I watch them go at it for another hour or so and then I go to sleep."
The doctor who's jaw is now on the floor, asks, "you do that every night?" The guy responds "every night." The doctors asks, "so what's the problem!?!" The guy answers, "I get dizzy when I jerk off."

Eric has been in the internet and computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He sells his company and buys 50 acres of land as far from humanity as possible. Eric sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars... Your neighbor from four miles away...Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Eric, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Eric says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Eric, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"The damn problem is this," the man says. "I just won $50 million in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

A man was charged with having sex with a goat. The man didn't have enough money to hire the best lawyer in town, so he hired another lawyer who was famous for picking a sympathetic jury.
During the trial, the next door neighbor was recounting how she saw her neighbor having relations with the goat under the light of a full moon. Se recounted that when the man had finished, the goat turned around and gave the man a big kiss right on the mouth.
At this testimony, the man and his lawyer turned to look at the jury to see their reaction. Just at that moment, one of the jurors turned to one of the other jurors and said, "A good goat will do that."

Q: How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You don't know! You weren't there!

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"
"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.
"If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth.
"Don't matter," replied the trucker. "Gonna fuck ya anyway."

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

Clem and Flem were sitting on their porch in Appalachia, trying to pass the time.
Clem says, "How 'bout we play 20 questions?"
Flem asks, "How d'ya play that?"
Clem says, " Well, I think of somethin' and ya have to guess what it is by askin' me questions. Ya get 20."
Flem says, "Awright, let's go."
Clem thinks for a minute, then writes down "Horse Dick." "Go ahead," he says.
Flem asks, "Can ya eat it?"
Clem says, "Well....I guess so.. sure, you could eat it."
Flem says, "Is it horse dick?"