SirLance

Step One: Remember. The minimum requirement is to let the woman know you care. The least expensive way is to look at her -- preferably somewhere on her face -- and say, "I love you, [her name here]." If you forget her name, don't bother with the rest of the steps -- you already lack the skill to survive.

Step Two: Cards. A Valentine's card is an acceptable nonverbal token of appreciation. Best of all, it's cheap. Good Valentines are pink with lots of lace and have cute words such as "I'll love my sugar bunny forever and ever and ever and ...". Bad Valentine cards say, "Good for one free quart of motor oil."

Step Three: Candy. While a handful of M&Ms is OK, women tend to expect something a bit nicer. It should be in a box for starters, and wrapped in nice paper for that extra touch. The best way to explain why you must do this is: women regard chocolate the same way men view beer. Enough said?

Step Four: Jewelry. A bit pricier, but essential if you did not bother with Steps 1-3. If you did, you might get by with a small but hideously expensive ring, necklace, or tiara. Note: most women, even in Arkansas, do not consider aluminum, tin or a mylar balloon to be a precious metal.

Step Five: Lingerie. Caution! Not only does it have to be the right size and caliber, it must also match any of the 8 billion feelings she currently has about herself. To be safe, tell the clerk you're looking for something that can't be used to strangle you in your sleep.

Step Six: Romantic Getaways. These are only good for couples with more than .2 children. Studies prove that not even bacteria can reproduce when a toddler is beating on the bedroom door with a Fisher-Price toy. Depending on the size of your family, a sufficient getaway may range from a motel in town to crossing at least three international boundaries.

The Most Important Thing to Know: Unlike men, women give points for trying. So do something -- anything is better than nothing. Every year, emergency rooms fill with men who didn't understand this simple point.

__________________
DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

Brewmaniac

Funny Lance!

__________________
"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"

Lady Sage

We are wicked arent we....

__________________
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
Minds are like parachutes, they function best when open.
It`s Easier to Change a Condom Than a Diaper
Yes, the rumors are true... I actually AM a Witch.

tfpfreak

Making mental notes as we speak....

__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.

~ Clementine Paddleford

ASU2003

I look at is as 'single appreciation day'.

maleficent

and make sure that your card doesn't include any of the following sentiments:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life!


I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming!

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not!

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you because I was pissed!

I always thought I could love no other
That is, you see ... til I met your brother!

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowls's empty and so is your head!


I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face!


I love your smile, your face and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!


My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe: "Go to hell"!

What inspired this amourous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

__________________

Darth_Kettch

Doh, I failed at all but no. 1 :doh:

oneofmanymen

I liked number 5 the best out of that

__________________
Everything works if you let it....