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Old 12-22-2004, 05:24 PM   #81 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by clavus
Alarmed, I reached out to catch her, to save her, to shove her silly ass in if she were to fall. My hand shot out, and in one swift motion I shoved my thumb right up my airborne dog’s butthole.

I don't know which was worse; violating my dog's butt, or the look she gave me afterwards.
Damn Ishmal beat me too it but Clavus has the funniest stories, so it just had to be repeated.
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Old 12-22-2004, 05:57 PM   #82 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by clavus
The really pathetic thing about being poisoned is that both ends of your body require the use of the same space, often at the same time. And while you really really want to put your head over the toilet bowl before you hang your ass over it, it’s not always practical to do so. Eventually you realize that it’s a moot point. Your face is exactly where your ass was moments ago.
Later in the thread....

Quote:
Originally Posted by clavus
Dear God, I drank from the toilet-brush cup.
Read the whole story here
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Old 12-22-2004, 09:42 PM   #83 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DJMala
Maybe it's me, but I think getting him a stint in pound-me-in-the-ass federal prison would be much more satisfying than sending him a rude e-mail.
Just found this one, figured I'd post it too.
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Old 12-22-2004, 10:09 PM   #84 (permalink)
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LOL.

that was a good one i hadn't cn...

thanx Hard8s
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Old 12-23-2004, 04:26 PM   #85 (permalink)
Getting Medieval on your ass
 
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Location: 13th century Europe
You all know where these two are from:
Quote:
Originally Posted by clavus
I was so busy laying down my drug-induced comedy routine that I barely noticed when the doctor picked up what must have been H.R. Giger’s crochet hook and stuck it into my sack-hole.
Quote:
Originally Posted by clavus
The bad part comes days later, when you get your stitches caught in your underwear just prior to taking a pee in a public restroom, and you nearly bite your tongue off trying not to squeal while the guy at the urinal next to you pretends like he doesn’t notice you gyrating and chewing on your tongue.
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Old 12-23-2004, 04:44 PM   #86 (permalink)
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Location: Some nucking fut house.
From Tilted Motors

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faygo
I own a dream car. It's a fucking nightmare.
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Old 12-27-2004, 07:28 PM   #87 (permalink)
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Quote:
doncalypso is right: some women can have anal sex without foreplay and lube. I know because I'm one of them...
I'm not gonna say who the quote was from, as I'm not sure she would want her name attached when it's posted out of the context it was given in. But it was memorable!
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Old 12-29-2004, 04:46 PM   #88 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by screamincheetah
You wouldn't walk right up next to a stranger anywhere else in the world and groan as your rip one right on top of him, but for some reason it's cool in the bathroom. Little secret you Fart Game players............ NOT COOL MAN!!
Made me laugh today, as I can picture someone I know doing this!
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Old 01-03-2005, 10:05 PM   #89 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by < |_| |2 T | 5
Dont just jog along either, run like you stole something.
This made me laugh!
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Old 01-04-2005, 03:16 AM   #90 (permalink)
It's All About The Ass!!
 
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Location: In a pool of mayonnaise!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hard8s
I'm not gonna say who the quote was from, as I'm not sure she would want her name attached when it's posted out of the context it was given in. But it was memorable!
You don't even have to say her name. I know who she is and she rocks!

<i>OOOONDA!!! Mi onda es mi vida!</i> <--- pay that no mind.

Asta!!
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Old 01-05-2005, 10:10 AM   #91 (permalink)
Talk nerdy to me
 
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From the Attracted to geeks thread.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lurkette
Beauty fades, but stupid is forever.
That one just killed me.
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Old 01-09-2005, 05:17 PM   #92 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bernadette

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/1003/m0us33/tfp/dr_fly.jpg">
or just fucking talk to him ^
Just saw this one, not really a quote per se but it was damn hilarious!
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Old 01-09-2005, 08:16 PM   #93 (permalink)
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I just read this, which made me laugh:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ella
(I'll try and hide the cinammon...we use it for good not evil over here.. )
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Old 01-09-2005, 08:28 PM   #94 (permalink)
It's All About The Ass!!
 
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Location: In a pool of mayonnaise!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by eyeronic
Now the key between the e and t doesn't wok.

I am going to jump off a bidge.
Heh I like this one.

Asta!!
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Old 01-10-2005, 08:11 AM   #95 (permalink)
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To all you TFP'ers head my warning, DO NOT read this thread while at work.

You're boss WILL come by to pay you a visit, especially because it's Monday morning. Nobody is that happy on Monday!
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Old 01-19-2005, 06:49 AM   #96 (permalink)
Devoted
 
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Location: New England
Quote:
Originally Posted by munchen
this is your dick man, don't fuck with it.
No, wait, I think he got that backwards. Isn't that the point of having a dick? (munchen's point was "go see a doctor", if you missed that thread).
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Old 01-19-2005, 01:45 PM   #97 (permalink)
It's All About The Ass!!
 
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Location: In a pool of mayonnaise!!
^ Ahahaha

Asta!!
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Old 01-19-2005, 03:06 PM   #98 (permalink)
Getting Medieval on your ass
 
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Location: 13th century Europe
I'd like to add my new signature to the rolls:

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrSelfDestruct
I'm still trying to contemplate the logistics of ripping out a testicle through the scrotum without surgical tools.
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Old 01-22-2005, 05:04 PM   #99 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by clavus
Eat a can of corn and get your shit together.
Another Clavus Gem!
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Old 03-08-2005, 06:32 AM   #100 (permalink)
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The sky calls to us ...
 
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From a thread about his SO suffering pain in certain sex positions:
Quote:
Originally Posted by innovis
No, I'm not misstakenly putting it in her butt.
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Old 03-09-2005, 09:20 AM   #101 (permalink)
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While most of these are entertaingly funny, I've found one a little more serious that I think has earned some serious applause:

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheWalkinDude
I had no idea pouring liquid into a sink could be so hard. But the fact that I didn't want to get rid of it just reinforced that fact that I had to.
Takin that hardest first step - kudos!
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Old 03-15-2005, 09:50 AM   #102 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Val_1
You try and try and pull and tear and rip and .... then you find out its one with the clasp in the front.
Just classic....
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Old 03-15-2005, 11:05 AM   #103 (permalink)
Rawr!
 
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Location: Edmontania
Quote:
Originally Posted by ARTelevision
I've wanted to say somethinbg in this thread since it began.

The problem I have is attempting to think of attraction as physical. I don't. I see a person's consciousness and that is all I am interested in.

So I was thinking of cliches like looking into a person's eyes, etc.

Then it occurred to me that a person's behavior is a physical sign.

I pay attention to behavior as a sign of consciousness.
and then right after...

Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfpack0102
a female butt!

love the contrast...
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Old 03-22-2005, 11:11 AM   #104 (permalink)
will always be an Alyson Hanniganite
 
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Location: In the dust of the archives
Quote:
Originally Posted by kurty[B
Lesson to be learned - Don't give someone with no shame a megaphone and an excuse to make an ass out of himself.
I found this one deserving of immortalization.
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Old 03-22-2005, 04:56 PM   #105 (permalink)
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Location: See that dot on the map? I don't live there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tecoyah

And her beauty was compared to the rains on desert horizon, and the glistening dew of morning reflections. Too bad no one could remember it....and thus the name.
- tecoyah.
Some people's opinions should never been stifled.
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Old 03-22-2005, 05:10 PM   #106 (permalink)
It's All About The Ass!!
 
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Location: In a pool of mayonnaise!!
^ Amen!

Asta!!
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Old 03-22-2005, 05:37 PM   #107 (permalink)
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Here's one:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Psycho Dad
I would have communicated to the perky server that my tip was going to be based on how well he understood me when I said no thank you.
I'm caught between knowing it's funny and having been a waiter and hurting for tips...
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Old 03-22-2005, 05:51 PM   #108 (permalink)
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Location: Mostly standing in a blue semi-circle
K-wise on Kirsty Alley.


Yeah I used to think she had the most sexy and exotic eyes..but I was like 10...she kinda still does though...I mean yer eyes don't get fat.

Classic.
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Old 03-22-2005, 06:03 PM   #109 (permalink)
It's All About The Ass!!
 
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Location: In a pool of mayonnaise!!
^ Ya know I keep hearing that I'm funny but until now I've yet to see myself in this post lol. It's an honor haha.

Asta!!
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Old 03-23-2005, 03:52 AM   #110 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hard8s
I'm not gonna say who the quote was from, as I'm not sure she would want her name attached when it's posted out of the context it was given in. But it was memorable!
I don't mind at all hard8s

a memorable quote huh? Hmm I guess it's not a thing you hear a girl say every day haha
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I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

Last edited by Nancy; 03-23-2005 at 10:32 AM..
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Old 03-23-2005, 03:58 AM   #111 (permalink)
Femme Fatale
 
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Location: Elysium
Quote:
Originally Posted by K-Wise
You don't even have to say her name. I know who she is and she rocks!

<i>OOOONDA!!! Mi onda es mi vida!</i> <--- pay that no mind.

Asta!!
hehe thanks!!!... and right back at 'ya C!!
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I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy.
I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.
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Old 03-23-2005, 05:40 PM   #112 (permalink)
It's All About The Ass!!
 
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Location: In a pool of mayonnaise!!
^ No dizzoubt!

Asta!!
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Old 03-31-2005, 02:02 PM   #113 (permalink)
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Location: Unfound.
Mojo_PeiPei just won me with this one:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mojo_PeiPei
It's probably some phenomena likened to that of Rome's fixation with the Gladiators and such, only difference is we get Kill Bill.
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Old 03-31-2005, 05:25 PM   #114 (permalink)
It's All About The Ass!!
 
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Location: In a pool of mayonnaise!!
Hmm what what the context of that one. I'm a little lost

Asta!!
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Old 03-31-2005, 05:27 PM   #115 (permalink)
Born-Again New Guy
 
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Location: Unfound.
http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...0&page=1&pp=40

Page 3
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Old 03-31-2005, 05:36 PM   #116 (permalink)
It's All About The Ass!!
 
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Location: In a pool of mayonnaise!!
Ah I get it now.

Asta!!
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Old 03-31-2005, 09:03 PM   #117 (permalink)
Junk
 
NCB in politics when the question of what happens to the Pope if he is in a vegetative state.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NCB
Thank God he's not married to a Schiavo
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Old 04-09-2005, 09:58 PM   #118 (permalink)
Drifting
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill O'Rights

Most likely to be wearing cartoon underwear, right now: The Original King

I wonder, is this true!?
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Old 04-13-2005, 10:03 AM   #119 (permalink)
Submit to me, you know you want to
 
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Location: Lilburn, Ga
this made me laugh and laugh

Quote:
Originally Posted by skinnymofo
but the fingers into the anus not only crossed the line it set it on fire and peed on it.
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Old 04-27-2005, 11:31 AM   #120 (permalink)
Minion of the scaléd ones
 
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Location: Northeast Jesusland
Ran across these when looking at the old weekly activities in Tilted Artwork:
Quote:
Originally Posted by clavus
I AM the freakish experience my children have.
Quote:
Originally Posted by clavus
In space nobody can hear your banjo.
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Last edited by Tophat665; 04-27-2005 at 11:34 AM..
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