codpiece

A few weeks ago, I was a much happier, if not naiive mother of a wonderful teenage boy. But all that changed in the blinking of an eye when I discovered the worst horror a mother could ever discover. My son is a masturbator.

For the past couple of months I'd been noticing strange behavior. Normally when he is around the house he is a pretty intense nervous guy. But lately he has seemed so non-chalant, and has shown a very relaxed, laid-back approach to life. Then I started noticing strange changes around the house. Everytime he stayed up late, the same three things happened the next morning. The TV was always left on the same channel, and always at a low volume. Low enough that you'd have to be sitting close to hear the voice, or music. The internet history and windows documents list is always wiped clean, and the monthly toilet paper bill has nearly tripled in size in the last three months.

I knew something wasn't right. So one night, I decided to sneak downstairs while he was staying up late. I crept into the computer and TV area when I heard him walk out of the room. I entered, and Sodom and Gomorrah immediately started pointing and laughing at me. The reason he was up late, is because he was on a late night pornography binge! The lustful faces of the sinsister Jezebells stared at me from all corners of the room. I had failed as a mother!!!

Presently my son, Conner (not his real name), walked back into the room with a dirty old sock in his hand. He tried to hide it, but I was too angry to let him do any such a thing. I beat him to within an inch of his life, and then sent him to stand outside while he thought about what he had done. I couldn't prove it, but I knew within my heart of hearts that he was pleasuring himself in an immoral fashion.

In a way, I almost don't blame him. Masturbation is glorified to such a ridiculous extent in the media, it is a wonder not everyone is masturbating. Such a world would be a terrible place. It is for this reason, I have embarked on a, "Mothers Against Masturbation", campaign.

First, let me start off with the obvious. Why is masturbation wrong?

I liken mastubation unto a train. A train which gradually grows faster and more deadly by the hour. The fuel for this train? None other than pornography. Pornography often seems innocent and unharmful, but do not be decieved by the lustful seeds of the devil. Masturbation is badbecause it changes our perception of women. As the pornography addict gets further into his cycle he needs a bigger hit of more stimulating, more "hardcore" pornography, to whet his sexual appetite. This increased sexual appetite cannot help but carry over to all other areas of his life. A common scenario goes something like this:

Boy is a straight A+ student.
Boy discovers pornography.
Boy starts using degrading words such as, bitch, ho, and slut.
Boy starts dowloading large amounts of hardcore pornography from the internet.
Boy starts to abuse women.
Boy writes about masturbation on the internet.
Boy rapes his own mother.

Such a scenario may seem outrageous, but rest assured, this is not only common, this is considered socially acceptable everywhere outside of The United States. Not only that, masturbation was behind the fall of the Roman Empire. You think the barbarians are at the gate? They are already riding in your busses, going to your schools, and eating in your restaurants. Make no mistake, the barbarians are no longer outside. They are your own children, living in your homes!!!

Time Magazine reports that, " Every person that has ever killed another human being has masturbated at some point in their life usually within days of the crime". If that isn't enough to send a shiver through your entire body, I don't know what is.

I looked in my son's dresser drawer, and there was direct evidence of this cycle. Starting from the bottom of the nude woman magazine pile, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, FHM, Stuff, Maxim, GQ, Playboy, Penthouse, Clit Collector, Pesitlence Pussy Pleasers, and finally, on top of the pile, Morbid Underage Gangbangs, featuring none other than Hillary Duff. The ones at the bottom of the pile were the old ones, not needed anymore, put away to make room for a growing sexual appetite.

I knew I had to take action. Knowing it was now, in his time of despair he was a ticking time bomb, just laying in wait, wanting to express his anger in a phyical way. I followed him to the mall. He looked at a few girls, trying to look all nonchalant. I knew out of instinct he was fantasizing about them. Then, not at all surprisingly he told me he had to use the washroom. At first I let him go, then I realized what his real scheme was. I took his wallet, and made him empty the change from his pockets. I know they sell condoms in washrooms. I for one do not want to risk him having tools of sexual immorality.I must disarm him by all means necessary and possible.

We went home and he thought he was being so smart. While we were out, I had looking panels installed in the bathroom doors, and i mixed sand in the hand lotion so that he cannot use it to pleasure himself with. I have also placed him on a strict, no choclate diet. I think I know better than anyone that chochlate stimulates sexual thoughts within the body. I would not have his body controlled by sexy robots!

He is currently sleeping in my room, with chains on of course. I won't have him thrusting himself upon me when nature calls. In case he has managed to perfect the art of silence, I prefer to place a layer of styrophome padding under his bed sheet so that i can hear any sudden and intent movements during the night. Any time he is out of my sight for more than 30 seconds (30 seconds is all it takes folks), I take his temperature, twice. First is the thermometer in the mouth. Often during and after masturbation, the heart rate increases and the body temperature can keep a body warm for hours. I also employ the use of a rectal thermometer that measures the pressure of the prostate gland to determine if it is well stocked. That one is inescapable, and he seems to enjoy it too.

How can I know if my child is masturbating, and what can I do to stop it?

The most simple way is to carefully smell his unwashed boxer shorts. If necessary, don't be afraid to taste it. Don't shake your head in disgust, after all, we are all mothers, and we've obviously tasted it on more than just a few occasions.

An excellent way to discourage him. Don't let him listen to rap music. It's slow, steady rhythms are bound to remind him of slow, steady sex, or masturbation. It is also advisable to also keep the thrash metal at a distance, as that leads to nothing but ferocious masturbation. My personal recommendations for happy, non-masturbating children are any Creed, Linkin Park, or Three Days Grace.

Thank you.

exponent_doobie

Nice comedic piece. Gave me quite a laugh.

StormBerlin

That was excellent Thank you very much.

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"if anal sex could get a girl pregnant i'd be tits deep in child support" Arcane

cchris

Yeah that was great. 5 Stars.

You ought to read the book "The Devil made me do it" by Jack Meoff.

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There's a fine line between participation and mockery

rockzilla

I know... nothing turns me off more than Creed.

:::OshnSoul:::

lol
I'd tell my son, "Rock On!"

It's a healthy, natural habit.

Kllr Wolf

That was funny. What makes it funnier is that there is probably someone who thinks that way.

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Caffeine - the molecule of life.

Jeff

hehe, I thought this was serious as first, I was shocked. Anyway, real well done, I got a kick out of it.

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--Charles Bukowski

mingusfingers

lol, thought it was real...until I kept reading.

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Still Looking

bermuDa

I was wondering why the prudish proud mother of a teenage boy would choose "codpiece" as her moniker

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I am the very model of a moderator gentleman.

Peetster

And the "Abusive Mother of the Year" award goes to....

Jack Ruby

Heheh.

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You don't know what you don't know.

flamingdog

If it wasn't for mastrubation i'd have killed someone, or myself by now.

Hanxter

johnny gets caught whacking in the bathroom by his mom who's saying he's killing babies by doing that and tells him to stop...

the next day, sure enuff johnny gets caught again by his mom and she tells him to stop...

he replies, "quiet, mom, we're having a memorial service."

sbscout

wonderful!

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skier

Where can I get that Hillary Duff magazine? Damn she's hot


edit: i've gotten the magazine. she's so hot.

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

moonstrucksoul

is anybody sure that that's a joke?
aside from the sheer insanity of it, i didn't find anything to make me believe that she wasn't serious. did I miss something?

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skier

moonstrucksoul, this is a post on a forum based on pornography. How do ya think Codpeice wandered over here?
It's just an excellent piece of satire.

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

World's King

I have my cock in my hand right now.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Kaos

Bwhahahahah.

That is hilarious...in a very disgusting way.

zenthax

Was wondering even more what in the world is she doing on the tfp?

TheBrit

I have an amusing argument with a girl I know very well. My side is that it feels good, it's natural, why not do it? Her side: It's gross. I'm sure I can bring her round.

SabrinaFair

Masturbation was the fall of the Roman Empire...

I love it. What else can we blame on wanking?

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"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
-Desiderata

H12

LOL.

Many many many hours of my life being wasted.

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raeanna74

lol Thanks for the laugh. It reminded me of my mother when it came to porn.

As much as my mother is a real prude though she did "educate" me on the finer points of masterbation. She's a walking contradiction.

This was great thanks.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

losthellhound

That was great satire, 5 stars

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"Life is possible only with illusions. And so, the question for the science of mental health must become an absolutely new and revolutionary one, yet one that reflects the essence of the human condition: On what level of illusion does one live?"
-- Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death

PredeconInferno

Masturbation killed JFK.

I'm not kidding, look at the tapes.

Masturbation also was the cause of Saddam getting WMDs.

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Samurai in Training
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.

yotta

Yes, it's a proven fact, mastrubation reduces stress. Even the prudes admit it.

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InTeGrA77

You and every other mother of a teenage boy in the world...!!!

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28 days...6 hours...42 minutes...12 seconds...

neddy65

It's got a good beat. but can you masturbate to it?

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If you're travelling at the speed of light, and you turn the headlights on, do they do anything?

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die!

Drink Dickens' Hard Cider because nothing makes a girl smile like a Hard DIckens' Cider!

Cycler

It could be worse he could be..... HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER PERSON!!! Oh the humanity.<p>Funny stuff.

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"I'm not even supposed to be here today."

"I assure you we're open."

Luki

that's some funny shit. I was in one of my classes the other day and the topic of masterbation came up(what a surprise all guys and me the only female) but they disgussed it and one guy denied it. Everyone laughed, the guy turned red.

I commented that I could not think of one guy I know who most likely does ot masterbate. That I believed most-all men masterbated(not sure who I could put in the non-masterbating category) and quite a few women.

He remained his claim to an inocence and didn't participate in conversation for a few days.

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Your part is silent you little toad - a line from the new phantom of the opera

Xiomar

Crap.. I almost took this seriously

Dant0007

Haha, me too. Nice post. What a great hobby.

fatboss

Phew!

I almost fell for it!

I feel so cheated!!!!

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"never mind that shit........here comes Mongo!"

thejoker130

The rise of communism
-People were to busy wanking to stop it

Global warming
-All that heavy breathing causing rising temps

Acid Rain
-God is sad and cries

Turnips in the University Cafeteria
-God stops crying and decides that he hates you

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I like you. When the world is mine your death will be quick and painless.

wannabenakid247

That is funny as fuck! I thought it was serious at first as well. Thank god its not but there are people who really think like that unfortunately.

water_boy1999

Hahahaha....this was pure comedy. Thanks for the great read.

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Doh!!!!


-Homer Simpson

ariekitten

yeah i thought it was real and gasped when i saw "beat him within an inch of his life" !!

good piece

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>'.'< kitty kitty, meow ^..^~

Blackthorn

OMG!! The first couple of paragraphs had me going... Sheeeeeeeeeesh I was almost worked up into a french candian frenzy with the reply I was going to post!!! Hoooo haaaa!!!! Very funny!

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