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from the most excellent and fantabulous Eddie Izzard, on Robbie Burns

Poetry! Poetry is very similar to music, only less notes and more words. And there was a Scottish poet named Robbie Burns- Robbie Burns to Scottish people, Robbie Burns to English people, and Rabbi Burns to Jewish people… who turn up at his door and say,

“What is the Hebrew translation…?

“I don’t know, I’m a poet, I don’t know this… go away. Are you trick or treat?”

“I need the translation…”

And he wrote poetry, he wrote a big fucking book of poetry, but one of his most famous lines is “The Best Laid Plans O' Mice and Men Aft Gang Aglay,” meaning “The best laid plans of mice and men often go wrong.” And because it’s poetry, people go, (mimes stroking beard) “Oh, I know what you mean there, Robbie, yes… Fucking plans ganging aglay by a fucking truckload…” And being a poet, he must have observed humanity, must have said, “Men. Men make plans. These plans go wrong. Go wrong once, twice… often! Often, a number of plans I’ve seen go wrong… Possible idea for a poem…”

And then he must have turned his attention to the other animal mentioned in that line of poetry. If you think back to it, “The best laid plans of mice and men…” Exactly which mice plans was he really honing in here on? The best laid ones go aglay, some of the worse laid ones are okay? Some of them get through? He was fucking off this trolley! “See, mice also make plans, unbeknownst to most people. They plan to get cheese! They run, they scamper… Oh, one’s fallen over! No cheese today… Oh, plan two: they’ve got three, another one’s got a stick, he’s gonna put the stick into the mousetrap… No, he’s broken the stick! What a jessie! Plan three – Oh, they’ve got a flip chart now! Very serious… there’s a lot of mise surrounding the meeting, and they’re having a discussion… Oh, good plan this, probably! Their best laid plan, I believe… I could just hear what they’re saying. One mouse is going,

“You aren’t supposed to blow the bloody doors off! Told you about that… What are you doing, coming in here, and making such a fracas? Now tell me the plan.”

“Well, we’ll drive the Minis into the square…”

“No, piazza.”

“Oh, it’s piazza, Charlie? And we load the cheese in the back of the Minis, and we drove it at you during a football match.”

“That’s right. Wallop, wallop, wallop, into the big coach driven by William, rounding in the Alps, and we’re free. And you’re sitting in the back, and you’re not having a migraine, and you’re gonna shut your face.”

“All right, Charlie.”

(as Burns, still taking notes) “Meanwhile, back in London, the Chief Mouse is talking to the prison governor-

“Somebody has broken into my toilet.”

“Well, I’m terribly sorry.”

“Get on to Camp Freddy, I want Charlie Crocker given a good going-over.””

So if you haven’t seen “The Italian Job,” this is all meaningless, by the way, but then, if you haven’t seen it, you probably haven’t lived… Yes, yes…