31Friction

**This is kinda long but bare with it, advice needed and appreciated**

So I came down to Arizona to help my grandma because she is going to be having surgery. I *was* planning on getting a job here and eventually going to school. I will however have to wait a year to establish residence so I don't have to pay out of state tuition.

My girlfriend (Niki) lives in St. Louis where I lived before this. When I first left we both understood I might not be back for quite some time, however, now that I'm here I want to go back. We dated a few years ago and things didnt work out. She was living in columbia, MO at that time. Then she moved back to st. louis and was pregnant when she came back. It was a little weird at first but we started hanging out more and I realized the first time we dated we were very different people. But she had changed since the last time I saw her in so many ways. She had grown into an entirely new person. She had the baby and we still hung out alot but it was all on a friends basis until about the end of last october. We started spending ALOT of time together and I got to know her better still.

There was only one other girl I had ever loved (highschool g/f) up until the point I started falling for Niki. But it feels completely different this time. It's more *real* for lack of a better word. I still talk to her on the phone quite a bit as well as online. This comming summer I am planning on going back to St. Louis but i've only been away from her for a month and a half now and its SO HARD to do. I'm not really too confused on what I should do but it's hard to cope with.

Once I first started thinking about moving back rather than staying I decided I better think about it some before I make the decision. I thought about it alot and every morning when I wake up I wish I was back in St. Louis. I just want to hold her, kiss her, hug her, and be able to wake up next to her again.

Feeling like that scares me a bit. To care for someone that much again makes me paranoid b/c I've been fucked over on quite a few other occasions. I doubt seriously she would do *anything* like that now but it still makes me a little nervous none the less. I don't even have the desire to be with anyone else. Even being this far away. Although I've been tested with a couple situations already I just DON'T want it.

She is the most beautiful person to ever come into my life really. But this is so hard to cope with. Have any of you had similar situations? Have any tips for me? Advice on ANY of this would be appreciated. My brain has been a mess of emotions and thoughts for about a month now.

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"Saints need sinners."
Alan Watts