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I mean, i have been in very few fights in my adult life... maybe 4 or 5. Its not like I am some kind of hooligan. Or often battering people or getting battered
But I did used to feel angry a lot of the time, especially the last couple of years, and countless times I have lost my temper an basically placed myself in a situation just waiting for it to escalate, just waiting for that disgusting engine inside me to flcik over and I start swinging. I know its dumb, that one day you call the wrong person a name and he comes out with a knife, and either he's put you in hospital or worse, or youre smashing a fist full of keys into his temple and going down for 8 months or worse... if I wasnt such a big man I'd probably have had the shit kicked out of me several times in the last 5 years.
I think a lot of my bad temper and aggression came from my low self esteem, constantly feeling like people were laughing at me, thinking they could do whatever they wanted or say whatever they wanted to me... and I think now I just really feel better about myself.
I know it sounds stupid or lame, but I feel so much different since I have been with Nadia. I dont feel like shit, I dont feel embarassed to walk into a room sometimes because Im so fat or so ugly...I dont feel like any more that I just want to gravitate to the bottom because its where I belong.
Its hard to describe... Ive dated people before, Ive been serious about people before, Ive driven up to Felixstowe to throw four elders of the local Jehovah's WItness church physically out of a girls house before long story)... but before now I have never called someone my girlfrend. I always used to say "my girl"... I just feel so different about this, I think maybe I feel like a grown up for the first time. The las 31 years I was just a big dumb surly kid.
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"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."
The Gospel of Thomas
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