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Originally Posted by Dexter Morgan
Well first off, what are you calling cheating - is cheating being dishonest about outside sex, or is cheating ANY sex that takes place outside of two people in a relationship, even if they both know and approve?
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In that case, when I typed out that sentence, I was referring to couples that cheat dishonestly. That's based on personal experience. I wasn't very connected on any level to the person I was seeing, so I didn't really give a damn whether I looked to someone else for sexual gratification. Once I realized that, I told them the truth, and left.
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Originally Posted by Dexter Morgan
Secondly, I think that's a bit of a simplistic appraisal. I can have all the commitment in the world for someone, emotionally and romantically, but get tired of their penis (or the presence thereof, since I'm bisexual) now and then. It has absolutely nothing to do with my love for them, no more than it does if they insist upon making me pizza to eat every night, and I get tired of the same dish night after night. In my opinion, I think it's entirely possible to be completely in love and committed to one relationship, yet want variety sexually with other people.
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It is simplistic, and general, yes. Everyone's different of course. As for your pizza analogy: Anyone would get tired of their SO if they were stuck on plain old vanilla sex. If you're unwilling to spice it up in the bedroom, of course you'll go to others for something different, and that thrill of sleeping with someone new is always exciting. But it'll likely just happen again... they'll become just as dull sexually as your SO. Thus, if you're fully committed to one person, I think you're much more likely to keep your sexual lifestyle always changing and exciting. I've experienced both sides of the spectrum. I've been in a relationship where I was very sexually attracted to my boyfriend, then suddenly have that attraction disappear, and look elsewhere for sexual gratification. That relationship died quickly once I did that, because that connection we had was gone, and that "vanilla sex" killed it. haha. Now, in my current relationship, we're so open and willing to try new things, our sex life is never dull... and I don't think it will ever be dull for us.
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Originally Posted by Dexter Morgan
Does this go for purposefully open marriages, in your opinion, as well? Are you saying that you believe that acting upon any desire to sleep with someone else while in a relationship directly correlates to a lack of commitment?
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Hmm, I didn't consider open marriages. I think they're different altogether. Couples in open marriages seem to have a good connection socially, but not sexually. I've never seen a successful open marriage last more than 4 years. Why? You're always looking elsewhere for pleasure, what's the point of that sexual commitment now? How can your relationship still be the same with other sexual partners involved in your sex life? Wouldn't you think (no matter how much you separate sex and love, or sex and emotions) that sex would affect your other relationships? I think so.
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I think a lot of it is fear of your partner starting a new relationship with someone else and leaving you. Sex without emotional intimacy is possible and common, but it's very easy for emotion to spark and grow. Once that emotion is there, it's very tempting to let it grow, and very hard to break things off with the other person, even at the risk of losing your existing relationship. If you want to maintain emotional exclusivity, your partner has to have the willpower to end any liaison should it get emotional, and the self-awareness to realize that emotion is there before it gets too big. A lot of people lack that combination of high self-awareness and strong willpower.
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Bingo. You said it ten times better than I could have ever put it.
I don't know. Like I said, I've experienced both sides: I've been the cheater, I've been cheated on, I've been in open relationships, and now I'm in a fully committed relationship. So far the latter has been the best by far.