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Old 08-25-2008, 01:51 PM   #1 (permalink)
elsesomebody
Tilted
 
Location: North Carolina
Strong feelings for sister-in-law

I'm looking for advice as this is starting to bother me. (I'm sorry this is so long, I really appreciate anybody who takes time to read it)
I have strong feelings for my sister-in-law (my wife's sister). I can't say for sure its really love, as opposed to a crush or an infatuation. Sometimes I wonder if I should have married her instead of my wife. I considered a relationship with the sister before we were even married, but a) didn't think we were really right for each other, and b) didn't think the logistics of breaking up with one girl to go out with her sister would really work. We've been married almost 4 years. I do love my wife, but the feelings lately for her sister are more "in love" than what I feel for my wife. I realize that the "in love" emotion is something that has highs and lows, and believe that "love" and marriage is a decision and a commitment that should not depend on always having the feeling of being "in love". I don't really believe in divorce, and obviously not in adultery. I think I'm caught in a cycle of not feeling in love with my wife, which is because I need to work on my marriage, but because I'm not feeling in love, I'm more susceptible to the feelings for my sister-in-law, which both distracts me from improving my marriage, and also decreases my feelings for my wife. Although I like the idea of having a relationship with her sister, I believe that I shouldn't and (would like to say) wouldn't. I don't think she is interested in me, although we do flirt and I do at times get the feeling that she might be, but I'm sure I'm just reading more into it because that's what I want to see. Part of me wants to get over the sister, and improve my marriage, and part of me wants to ignore my marriage and have a relationship with her sister. At any given time, which part of me is dominant varies.

I'm considering bringing this up with the sister. I think I have two motives for this: 1) I'm trying to tell myself that being rejected by her will help me to get over her, and stop having feelings, 2) I'm hoping that she does have feelings for me, and that we can have a secret mostly non-physical semi-platonic friendship. Part of me says that I need to confront this so that I can work on having a better relationship with my wife, but the other part says that it would be a mistake, that I shouldn't bring it up and should try to conquer the feelings on my own. I think my marriage is one of the most important things at stake. I definitely see a lot of bad things that could result in bringing this up with my sister-in-law, embarrassment if other family members found out like her parents, my wife finding out and having to deal with that, ruining the friendship with the sister, that I'd like to avoid. At the same time, though, if the greater goal is improving my marriage, I'm willing to risk it if good will come of it.

Last edited by elsesomebody; 08-25-2008 at 02:02 PM.. Reason: changed obsession to infatuation (thanks abaya)
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