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i can understand how something like this can happen, will...
sooner or later, you let go of it.
if my experience is any guide (who knows?) it can come down to choosing to maintain a relationship with your father because there are reasons to want to as opposed to not maintaining one. which is not easy because we carry around lizard-brain level reactions to things long ago, and sometimes spice things up by finding ways to map these lizard-brain responses onto more recent situations.
so it seems to me that you have to let go of the child's conception (from you as a child, i mean) of your father first and see him for what he was--and is--which is someone like yourself muddling along doing some things that were cool, fucking up other things and seeing it, fucking up yet other things and not seeing it.
at least that way it's easier to see things and not replace them with projections.
i tried to do this, but i dont remember it happening all at once: i think i decided that i was going to do something like this a bunch of times and thought each time that i did it, and maybe i did, it's hard to know.
and this doesn't mean at all that family will suddenly no longer piss you off. o no. it just gives you more choices in what you eventually decide to do when it happens.
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a gramophone its corrugated trumpet silver handle
spinning dog. such faithfulness it hear
it make you sick.
-kamau brathwaite
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