katyg

Hi guys,
I hope I don't sound like a total walkover in this post, but hey, let's try to be honest...

I met this wonderful man 2 years ago, shy, intelligent, hansome, very funny, we met through friends and started seeing one another. I didn't know at the time but I was the 2nd person he'd ever slept with at 24, and the only girl he'd ever seriously dated. After a few months we fell in love, then one night I said 'I love you' in bed and he said he wasn't sure (after previously saying it). What has followed on from that day is hard to describe, we've broken up many times, a few times I left him because he was smoking lots of pot and being strange and anti-social, sometimes aggressive, and I just couldn't satdn seeing him waste away like that, he also left me a few times saying I was insecure or that he wanted to play the field, but he'd always come back not having been with anyone else saying I was the one.

The last time he left was april, he quit weed and came back from a 2 week holiday a very different person, confused, lost, moody and said some mean things. A few days after he got back he left me (we live together) saying that he just didn't think I was pretty and I had quite an ugly face, he didn't fancy me and maybe never had.

We're back together.

It happened a few weeks after he left, he came back crying saying he'd made a terrible mistake, that he was fully committed, that we'd sprend our lives together.

The problem is, after all he has said, and done, no matter how much he tells me I am not ugly, that he loves me etc etc. I can't get it out of my head, he expects me to move on, he's frustrated that I can't (though he did cry when I explained last night how I now feel about my appearance and how I always think he'll leave me for a hotter girl).

I look in the mirror and all I hear is 'You have an ugly face, don't kid yourself' which is along the lines of what he said when he left last time.

I am pretty, I am fun and bright and caring and I hope that this post doesn't sound like I am some dumb downtrodden person hopelessly falling for the wrong guy because I wouldn't be with him if I didn't have hope. It's just the past few days it's gotten worse, I feel empty, belittled, ugly, useless and I look at prettier girls and I feel sad and wonder if I can get over it? Or maybe he wouldn't have left me all those times if I were prettier? Or if he's just had cold feet and he had a right to when I've dated before for 6years and find it easy to commit?

I know people argue and say terrible things, but I worry because no matter what I would never say something like that to him. I also worry that maybe I can't forget it because I am a bit insecure. I would appreciate any thoughts from you guys...have you ever said something that bad you regret? Do you find things like that easy to get over? etc etc

I am sorry this post is so soppy and not hot and full of exciting sexiness! :-)
katy