josie

You know- I'm glad to get a perspective from people who aren't parents and can give me some insight into maybe what his thought processes are.

I guess I find the whole dishonesty thing the hardest part of it to accept. I wanted to avoid disappointing my parents too- probably too much- so I actually lived my life in a way that I could avoid disappointing them. Although it worked out for me too- we were pretty much on the same page about most things- they wanted me to do what I could to be happy, and I agreed with them. I was never particularly self-destructive.

I mean, I wasn't perfect- I smoked pot and drank and stuff, but for the most part, I remained true to the person they raised me to be. I really could always say that I was pretty much who they thought I was. I would have felt like a real two-faced brown-noser otherwise.

I guess I'm disappointed that I look at my son now and I feel that he doesn't have the courage or strength to be honest about who he is. I could take the acting out shit- if I felt he had the courage to look me in the eye and be honest about it. It's the lying and deception I can't take- it feels like a betrayal by someone I love more than anyone else in the world, and who I never thought I'd be betrayed by.

Clavus said:
You know this sounds good, except the old person seemed happy most of the time- and the new person seems depressed- that's what worries and hurts me the most. And when I ask him how I can help him, he says there's nothing wrong.

He was an excellent student who essentially quit school. He went from having a 3.86 average to failing every single final in the space of a year. He was a talented athlete who has quit both sports he has played and excelled at since the age of five. He was a funny, energetic kid who is morose and tired all the time. He was sensitive and considerate and he's become withdrawn and selfish. He's just a different person.
I've thought drugs, of course, but he's eighteen and won't submit to a drug test. He swears he doesn't use- and honestly- we don't see any physical signs of it (and we know what to look for- I'm a highschool teacher and my husband is in medicine).
Clavus said:
I know this is the key. I know I need to be less emotional and more accepting and believing of exactly what you say about being a single person who wears different faces. That's exactly what I want people to believe and accept about me too.
I just don't know how to get around the sadness and the worry to get to the point where I can do that.

I really appreciate your responses. It's helpful to hear from you guys, and I think, as I said, you both have insights that I'm not objective enough to come up with on my own.

Thanks for taking the time.