Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Family conflict and alcohol . . . need advice

Balaniki · 01-03-2006, 10:14 AM

Having been in a similar situation I'll give you my $.02 (FWIW). My mother had a drinking problem. She wasn't aggressive or anything - but when she had been drinking too much it made her stupid. I hated being around her when she was like that. I hated HER for being like that. And I hated myself for hating my mother.

When I lived at home I would mark the bottles (she drank in secret) - and not in an obvious way so she would KNOW I was watching her.

After I moved out it got worse. I finally got to the point where I went over there early in the day (she drank only at night) and told my parents that I wouldn't be coming over much anymore. She was an adult - she could drink herself silly every night if she wanted to - I wasn't going to try to stop her anymore.

But I couldn't stand what it was doing to ME. And since I couldn't be sure when she was or was not drinking I would simply limit my visits. And if I came over and she was drinking I would turn right around and leave.

I think knowing that her drinking was hurting someone OTHER than herself made a big impression on my mom. She still drank - but not nearly as much.

You can't make a person stop doing something unless some part of them WANTS to stop. You can talk to them until you are blue in the face but unless they WANT to listen it won't do much good.

Talk to your brother. Explain that you don't want to put your children through another incident like that night. Explain that you think he and his wife have problems and they should get help - but YOUR kids come first and their well-being is more important than your relationship with your brother and SIL.

Talk to your parents. Explain that you don't want to cause problems in the family but you have to do what's right for YOUR family. Explain that there may be times when you pack up and leave a family gathering because you think your SIL is drinking too much and you don't want to be there if (when) another incident happens.

To this day I'm uncomfortable being around someone who's drunk - even if it's a total stranger.

01-03-2006, 10:14 AM	#9 (permalink)
Balaniki Upright Location: WI	Having been in a similar situation I'll give you my $.02 (FWIW). My mother had a drinking problem. She wasn't aggressive or anything - but when she had been drinking too much it made her stupid. I hated being around her when she was like that. I hated HER for being like that. And I hated myself for hating my mother. When I lived at home I would mark the bottles (she drank in secret) - and not in an obvious way so she would KNOW I was watching her. After I moved out it got worse. I finally got to the point where I went over there early in the day (she drank only at night) and told my parents that I wouldn't be coming over much anymore. She was an adult - she could drink herself silly every night if she wanted to - I wasn't going to try to stop her anymore. But I couldn't stand what it was doing to ME. And since I couldn't be sure when she was or was not drinking I would simply limit my visits. And if I came over and she was drinking I would turn right around and leave. I think knowing that her drinking was hurting someone OTHER than herself made a big impression on my mom. She still drank - but not nearly as much. You can't make a person stop doing something unless some part of them WANTS to stop. You can talk to them until you are blue in the face but unless they WANT to listen it won't do much good. Talk to your brother. Explain that you don't want to put your children through another incident like that night. Explain that you think he and his wife have problems and they should get help - but YOUR kids come first and their well-being is more important than your relationship with your brother and SIL. Talk to your parents. Explain that you don't want to cause problems in the family but you have to do what's right for YOUR family. Explain that there may be times when you pack up and leave a family gathering because you think your SIL is drinking too much and you don't want to be there if (when) another incident happens. To this day I'm uncomfortable being around someone who's drunk - even if it's a total stranger. __________________ Balaniki "Everyone should have something to believe in. I believe you should keep your beliefs to yourself."