Sage

Let me just throw out a scenario here. You're at work. You think you do a pretty good job around the place, yeah, the boss has come by a few times to tell you to fix some things, but not in a while, so you're feeling good about what you do. Then, all of a sudden, the boss comes by. He's really really steamed. He slams down a report on your desk and starts talking about how "You never do this right! I've told you a thousand times how to do this, and you still can't get it through your thick skull that you're doing it WRONG! I hate you! I hate the work you do! You're useless! And, uh, could you please go put some more toner in the copier?"

Sounds pretty wierd, right? If the boss hates you so much, why don't you get fired? And if you're doing something wrong, why doesn't he sit down and list his expectations and discuss your job more thoroughly with you?

When you go and talk to your husband (SO, boyfriend, etc), you've been stewing for DAYS- thinking over and over "Bastard husband doesn't wipe the counter. I've told him TEN THOUSAND TIMES to wipe the counter, he must hate me, he must not love me because he didn't do what I told him to" and then, when you finally say something about it, to him your upset attitude is totally out of the blue. He has NO CLUE why you're mad, and when it finally comes out, you're basically upset because he didn't wipe the counter. So he's sitting around going "Jesus.... she's THAT mad that I didn't wipe the counter? That's crazy!" and then goes back to watching football.

Being married (and no, I haven't been married fifty years but my parents have been married for thirty) is not a power struggle. You're not there to "get his butt in gear" any more than he's there to "get you turned into a sexpot." He was fine with his way of doing things before you got married, and unless you spell out REALLY CLEARLY guidelines to living together, he's going to assume his way of doing things is fine after you get married.

The normal response to this, though, is "But I've TOLD HIM AND TOLD HIM AND TOLD HIM." Yeah, you've TOLD him what to do. Not asked, not explained why you want it done that way, not had him talk about how he feels about the situation; just simply TOLD him what to do, the way his mother has told him what to do since he was two. So, you start acting like his mother, he's going to subconciously start treating you like his mother. Things get worse and worse and worse, resentment builds and builds, and one day you walk out, bags in hand, tears streaming down your face, and he's like "But honey, what did I do?"

Men aren't some "big dumb animal" that you have to beat into submission. No matter how much it seems like that, your man is a living, breathing human being who has feelings and wants and desires. It's just that your desires to keep the cave clean are different than his desires to go out and kill food all day long.

So, communication is the key. If you feel like your blood boils and steam comes out your ears whenever you so much as think about him not wiping the kitchen counter, you're not ready to communicate. Get thee to a counselor, someone who can listen to you vent, who can offer advice, and who can calm you down. When you feel like you are ready to communicate with your husband (SO, boyfriend, etc), make a time to sit down, away from kids and TV and bills and whatever, and really communicate. Make sure neither of you is hungry, tired, etc. Really TALK about what's bothering you. If it was as simple an issue as wiping the counter, then why are there all these negative emotions attached to it? IT'S JUST A COUNTER. Talk about how you feel. Say WHY you would like the counter to be clean ("Honey, I don't feel comfortable living in a house where the counter isn't clean") and WHY you feel upset when he doesn't clean the counter ("Honey, when you don't help out around the house, it makes me feel like your mom and your maid, and that doesn't make me feel sexy or horny or beautiful or appreciated"). Also, realize that it will take some time for him to get used to the way you would like things to be done, and sometimes you have to comprimise on when things will get done. I know that when I say "Martel, will you please do so and so" I mean "in the next five minutes" and he thinks "In the next two hours." We used to fight about that a lot, until I realized that it wasn't that he wasn't going to do it, it was just that he wasn't doing things the same way I was.

Perhaps you will find that your whole marriage is better when you don't go around with a big ball of resentment towards your husband (boyfriend, SO, etc) all day long. That the grass is greener when you don't look at the kitchen counter and have a nauseous feeling in the pit of your stomach. That the sun shines brighter when you know that the floor will be vaccumed (eventually). And that your life is a hell of a lot happier when you're not going around being mad all the time.

Perservierence, communication, patience, counseling, love love love- that's what works in a marriage.


Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go put on my asbestos fire suit....

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