Hello good evening, and welcome to your very favourite television quiz programme: "Spot the Brain Cell" 30 minutes of ritual humiliation of the poor and greedy!
May we have our first contestant please!
(applause and organ music)
'he he he... hello Mrs.??'
'Yes Michael!'
'hehehe.. and your name is?'
'i go to church every sunday'
'hahahahahahahahahahahaha.......
(laughter) very well Mrs Scum, tonight we're offering a poke in the eye, or a dagger up the clitoris'
'Oooh i never had one up there before'
'well what will it be?'
'I'll take the dagger up the clitoris'
'Very well then, your question is: what is the principle food eaten by penguins? what is the main food that penguins eat?
'goats!'
'I'l give you a hint, what swims in the sea and gets caught in nets?'
'underwater goats'
'no'
'with snorkels and flippers on, a buffalo with an aqualung'
'announcer making like a fish'
'Oh i know i kwnow, reginald maudlin' <== must be an obscure refernce to English politics
'close enough' (laughter)
' Your next question is: Which great opponent of cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychogical phenomena to a physical state and insists that there is no contact between the extended and the non-extended???'
'oh I don't know that'
'well have a guess'
' ohhh.. Henri Bergson...'
'Is the correct answer!!! You have won tonight's star prize...
A Dagger Up the clitoris!!!!
--- entirely from memory. don't know if its even closely accurate...
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