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I am going through the same exact thing as so many of you. In a way, it's kind of comforting. Here's my scandal.
After dating this girl for a year and a half, first love, first lover, she breaks up with me at the start of May. It was over a stupid thing, but she did it anyway. Since this was the third time, I have to steel myself and turn her down when she inevitably tries to get back together. But we continue talking, and having sex, for about another month and a half. Then it stops. School starts again in late August, and I make a decision.
I want to emphasize that I make the right decision, I think. Even with the absolute hell I'm in now, it was still the correct choice. In my head, I didn't think it was a good idea. My heart told me I had to do it. If I am ever going to be happy with anyone, I am going to have to listen to my heart. I call her.
We talk. We see eachother in person and talk about getting back together. She admits that she has a fuck buddy (I say that because the guy explicitly stated that he would, under no circumstances, be involved with her beyond fucking her). I am devastated. I do my best to push it away. She agrees to instantly drop him. We discuss a relationship more seriously, and decide to go for it. She tells me that she loves me. Full in the face. It is everything I ever wanted to hear, and I believe her. A day later, she tells me that she doesn't want to see me anymore. I fly into a rage, give her everything she gave me back, take everything I gave her and throw it in the dumpster.
The next day, I go get the stuffed animals out of the dumpster and clean them. I plan to give them back to her and ask for my stuff back. I don't have the courage to call her. What if she's with him? I couldn't take that.
I don't know how the story ends. I can't be alone. I'm on a constant emotional roller coaster. I can't seem to stop the tears. If we had lasted until this week, our relationship would have spanned two years. I talk to all of my friends constantly, just anyone who will listen. I try to put this into words, the best I can come up with is that it's like she died, but of course that isn't so. It's worse, she chose to die but just for me, or killed me, just relative to her. A friend of mine looks surprised when I struggle for words and tells me, "What you're feeling is grief." The clarity of it makes me cry again, here and now as I write it.
I don't know how the story ends. I hope that I get through this a little older and a little wiser, and I hope that somebody worthy of me is waiting at the end of this dark tunnel. It would be nice if, just this once, life could work out for the best. But it's awfully hard to see it here in the black.
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