Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post

sexymama · 04-09-2004, 05:54 PM

I was in a similar situation. My chosen sons starting calling me mom right before and after (1 each) their dad and I married. We bonded and it feels GREAT. Even though they are now 22 and dad and I are divorced, they still have contact with me. One still calls me "mommy." I love it and wouldn't trade the relationship for anything.

You are the father figure, the man of the house, the dad of the house, in this relationship. You are a "real" dad -- so why not let him call you daddy? Your SO is a "package deal." When you decided to live with her, you took on her child too. It is natural for him to bond with you and to desire to be as close to you as your son as he actually lives in the household with you. And don't worry about the what ifs -- they have a way of working out.

As for the fighting, I suggest a book called "Siblings Without Rivalry." Although the two boys are not related they have been thrown into a brother like relationship. The book may help. You may also want to call a family meeting in which you, mom, and 6 year old sit down to talk about what is happening and how everyone feels. Share your feelings for him and listen to how he feels about you. Validate his jealousy and talk about ways to address his needs while meeting your son's needs and yours. Most of all, be loving and supportive of both boys -- say positive things about both and touch and hold both. When they come to you to complain about the other respond with, "I love both of you so I just can't take a side here. I'd be happy to help the two of you work it out though." Then have them sit and talk it out (as much as a 3 year old can.) Or say, "I trust you can work it out." Whatever feels best. Good luck!

04-09-2004, 05:54 PM	#4 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	I was in a similar situation. My chosen sons starting calling me mom right before and after (1 each) their dad and I married. We bonded and it feels GREAT. Even though they are now 22 and dad and I are divorced, they still have contact with me. One still calls me "mommy." I love it and wouldn't trade the relationship for anything. You are the father figure, the man of the house, the dad of the house, in this relationship. You are a "real" dad -- so why not let him call you daddy? Your SO is a "package deal." When you decided to live with her, you took on her child too. It is natural for him to bond with you and to desire to be as close to you as your son as he actually lives in the household with you. And don't worry about the what ifs -- they have a way of working out. As for the fighting, I suggest a book called "Siblings Without Rivalry." Although the two boys are not related they have been thrown into a brother like relationship. The book may help. You may also want to call a family meeting in which you, mom, and 6 year old sit down to talk about what is happening and how everyone feels. Share your feelings for him and listen to how he feels about you. Validate his jealousy and talk about ways to address his needs while meeting your son's needs and yours. Most of all, be loving and supportive of both boys -- say positive things about both and touch and hold both. When they come to you to complain about the other respond with, "I love both of you so I just can't take a side here. I'd be happy to help the two of you work it out though." Then have them sit and talk it out (as much as a 3 year old can.) Or say, "I trust you can work it out." Whatever feels best. Good luck! __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.