When has your SO gone overboard?

I have had a couple of SOs who have 'gone overboard.'
one of them is in prison, one of them I just am not with now.

I'm sorry if the response on this thread hasn't been what you intended, but sometimes, better than asking vague, uncommitted opinions of other people, you just have to act on your own convictions. If you want to know the eventualities of my experiences: I fled from them. with my children.

You must do what you must do. You wouldn't have started this thread if you didn't have serious doubts about the path you're on.

 

Public forum? Catharsis? Hey, I can get down with that. Sometimes it's not all so blatantly obvious.

I guess I've been lucky as far as women. I've never been with a legit crazy person, just the regular type. Issues? Sure.

Ya know, as easy as it would be for me to be all self-righteous and go "Whoo-wee. Lemme tell y'all 'bout that one time the crazy bitch went overboard," it's not really shining the reality light on my relationships. Or the relationships of any sane person. Honestly, it's more of a case of the grand cosmic atom smasher bonding and breaking those partners to and from my life and the lives of everybody else. A lot of random chance in play amidst all the hopes and dreams and toenail clipping and sock folding going on in our daily lives. I might get them for a night or a year--no way of knowing how it works. I mean, do couples ever really have a "I'm not that into you, we've got different priorities, let's be friends" super-amicable breakup? Fuck no. No relationship with any passion ends with a handshake--not when you're young and ambitious. It's all snotty tears and heavy drinking and dividing up furniture and fucking strangers off OkCupid and erasing your FaceySpace profile and spending hours in the gym. The more it meant, the more it hurts. You know what's overboard? Feelings. Part of the growing-up process for me has been going from the emo Ladder Theory angst of my 20s into my We're-Just-Two-People equanimity of my 30s. I used to see my former partners as a separate species with their own evil, scrotum-punching agenda. Now I just see them as a Homo sapiens with the other set of repro parts. They were trying to find their way. Like I was.

I've been on the business end of the bludgeon with infidelity and mental problems and health problems and financial problems and adult aimlessness... you name it. I've been a self-centered dickhead, a repeat liar/avoider, a lazy ass, a tightwad, a shut-in, the unromantic asshole that is just happy to be around flushing toilets and anything with tits... you name it. It seems that mature adults use these things as points of positive growth and change.

In the end, I'm not a bad person. And they weren't bad people.

I didn't have bad relationships.

I had real relationships.

And I'm grateful.

Instead of dwelling on all the bad shit that happened to me, I'm going to go all Tony Robbins here and say it's always made me a better person.

Now, my experience has been pretty gentle. I've never had to deal with a "real marriage" or the bullshit associated with having a family.

*insert Jay-Z's 99 Problems*

 

My first thought when I read this was "I sure as shit don't post it publicly". Even for me, that sounded a bit tactless, so I hit the "back" button, instead.

Not sure what we're looking for here. I can type for days about dumbass things my wife has done and I'm sure she could reciprocate. The couple of time she scared me are between her and me.

 

Hey, I've seen pictures. You and your wife look like the single most sensible couple ever.

 

I had a super amicable breakup with my first husband when I was 28 years old. So, yes, it happens.

I think life has made me a better person, period. I'm not certain that I needed the bad relationships to become better, but I do believe that 'surviving' them has made me a stronger person.

 

All of my relationships, with the exception of my current one, have been wildly unhealthy. Going overboard was SOP. Emotionally damaged woman seeks emotionally infantile man for mutual reinforcement of learned behavior. Addictive personalities preferred.

I always got exactly what I sought.

It takes two.

I can't change or control anyone's behavior but my own. Like MM, I didn't need the bad relationships to become a person who now desires, recognizes, and seeks a good relationship. But each of them offered me the choice to either learn something about myself as a result of them or continue making bad choices as a consequence of remaining ignorant.

It's always easier to realistically view and discuss situations in hindsight. When I'm in the middle of them, I don't want to talk about them or share them. I don't want advice. Not from those who know me or those who don't. Though some aspects of a situation may be common and recognizable to others, no two situations are ever the same. It's the uniqueness of each relationship and the inability of us all to fully convey a situation or the nature of a relationship, which makes it almost pointless to offer or take advice from others with the expectation the advice will cover all the bases.

Which is why I never ask for any though I'm right there to offer my opinions about the relationships and situations of others. Just too tempting, I guess.

In the end, we have to sort ourselves out and understand that others in our life are responsible for doing the same. No one is going to do it for us and all the advice in the world is meaningless unless it "chimes" with us at some level. A piece of the puzzle we can fit in somewhere.

 

Rogue49 I am sorry you are annoyed by the responses in your thread. Have you considered the possibility that just as you did not desire to share what "overboard" was to you, many of us don't feel so inclined either? Anonymity means nothing when you are pulling at the skin tissue which is trying vainly to cover a wound. I am not so sold on the "anonymous" factor personally, this is a public forum. Many people here do know each other and may not feel so comfortable with sharing such wounds. I am one of those people, I am lucky to be living today.

To answer you more directly:

I left.

 

Which is why I keep such things close to my bones until the wound is completely healed.

 

I've been where she is. It's not "gone overboard", it's reaction to multiple shots to the gut.
First off, if the IVF center has a counselor on staff, please PLEASE make an appointment. If they don't ask for a recommendation. Then go without delay. Meds or not, there has to be an outlet for her when things get to this point. My infertility center was all inclusive, so I went to the counselor for 9 months. It really helped.
I would say put the IVF on hold for the summer. Take a breather, get some semblance of balance and begin anew, hopefully with the support of counseling.
I know it's practically impossible to do but please don't counter the irrationality and snapping with defensive actions. Sympathize the best you can or take a walk. Speak in earnest but not in anger-it is the loneliest feeling in the world when you feel the world is beating you up at every turn and adding to it, you get bullshit from your SO because you snapped. Please don't make her feel that loneliness. Remind yourselves of your goals and what you need to get there. I wish you luck. I had a successful ending when I had my twins after 10 long years, but the continuing lack of support for my feelings before, during and after their arrival has done irreparable damage.

 

Does it work that way? Reminds me:

"Love heals scars that love left behind."

 

Not sharing the circumstances of bad relationships I've been in - until they are ancient history - has worked for me. I understand that others may not feel that way. Some people derive much needed comfort by sharing their emotional nightmares with others while the nightmares are still fresh or in progress.

I like your quote but aren't scars a sign that a wound has already healed?

I get the meaning though.

 

Oh, indeed. I would have said "wounds" but it's not my pearl of wisdom; it belongs to a lifelong emo guy.

Regarding scars: they stick with us but they do tend stretch and fade over time, kinda like our memories.

Major props for your ability to deal with your mental injuries internally. That's the harder route, in my opinion.

I tried it and it was a little "like taking a spoonful of Drano: it cleans you out but it leaves you hollow inside."