What things have you said that hurt your SO?

Reading through what other people write and putting myself in the situation of the so... I think "I couldn't care less what you think" would have been my response to a lot of these things also...

And the problem is it'd probably have been true

 

I don't say insulting things, or at least nothing major that really echos.

However, my ex likes to refer to me as an emotional assassin as I have this innate talent of being able to determine the exact thing to say to make my partner feel like the worst person on the planet and it's definitely not something that only he has experienced from me. It's not always conscious.

Kinda proud, kinda not.

 

...so you're the one that Henry Rollins writes all those emo books about.

 

I think my recent ex would revel in this definition for me, as well, but frankly, I've found that the people who have the most trouble dealing with my observations about their behavior are those who 1) can dish it out but not take it and 2) don't understand me. As I get older, I am finding that I have less tolerance for bothering with the expansion of 2). People either get it or they don't. And I am so thankful for those that do - because it's really freeing to communicate with people who don't get all butt hurt when you raise your voice and say the word 'fuck' in their direction.

The only times that I am not proud of myself are when anger gets in the way - which usually erupts out of frustration due to complications caused by 1) and 2).

As for the topic directly, I can't think of anything specifically that I have said to hurt former SOs, but I know there are many things. I can be pretty incisive with my observations. I could say that I can't help it, but I know that's not literally true. Not sure that I want to, though. Then again, I have chosen a couple of times to put myself into situations that collide dramatically with my own standards and ideals of thought and behavior. Should stop doing that.

 

Try calling wife 2 by wife 1's name.... once....

 

Or vice versa....

 

Probably depends on timing to some degree. Some moments would be more problematic than others ...

 

I've recently come to the conclusion that I say hurtful things at the most-problematic times, every time...

 

I've jokingly in the worst way called an ex a fatass, the situation seemed ok were were all eating and teasing each other over this amazing salted pretzel ice cream but it was the way I said it and how she took it. Was probably one of the most nerve wracking weeks.

The other one was when I told her to stop working out because her boobs will get smaller. I said it because I was getting larger and refused to work out with her and she was getting more on it (big red flag). Somehow the logic there really lingered in her mind for a good amount of time. She started to notice quite of bit of athletic women had a small bust and it was all horrible negative thinking from there.

Now that I think about it I think if I had the chance to go back and talk/analyze what happened with them I'd probably learn quite a bit more.

 

Why can't they just understand that we call everyone fat and we know that that is a no-no and when we do it, we do it by mistake because we're having too much fun and are not thinking and don't actually mean it?????????

 

I can be a sarcastic SOB, beyond humorous and into the hurtful. At times I can't even sense that I'm crossing that line. "Why are you crying, it was only a joke!".... only it wasn't really a joke and it wasn't really funny.

 

Yeah, ok, but why do I suspect the likelihood that most of those being called fat might actually have some reason to be hurt by that remark.

Of course, "fat-ass" can mean something different than merely "fat (add your noun)". Fat-ass can also refer to the lazy bitch who won't get off her fat-ass and cook fucking dinner. Of course, hearing that from the sniveling bastard who can't manage to defecate without getting it on the walls is grounds for immediate divorce.

/might have gone too far.

 

I read this before your edit and was wondering about you..

When I get super frustrated and fear I will say something inappropriate/unhelpful to the situation I back out completely. Maybe this is a good thing, perhaps sometimes it is a bad thing but I personally feel better (more controlled) when given a chance to back up, regroup, think the situation and come back to the conversation later. Unfortunately this is not always understood or respected and the result often ends up with me essentially backing into the wall to a point where I feel defensive. What begins as, "I am feeling really upset right now, I need to cool down and take a break from this conversation. We can talk more about this tomorrow when we have both had a chance to give it more thought and consideration." Then ends up as, "leave me the fuck alone, I don't want to talk to you right now. I am really truly pissed off etc.. etc.."

This is the result of many unhealthy relationships. When I feel a situation escalate, all I want to do is retreat. I want to work things through but when a conversation gets to a point where communication just isn't happening anymore, I feel safer coming back to it when all parties have calmed down.

 

That's what adults do. I suffer the same escalation of feelings and have learned that there quickly comes a breaking point where "off with his head" seems like a good idea. The trick is to recognize it's coming and nip it in the bud before it arrives. The difficulty, as you've mentioned, is in getting the other person to respect the need to initiate said nipping.

 

... raises hand, hangs head in shame ...

I've said too many mean, nasty, ugly things to recall all of them. I'd care not to, go forward learning about myself to improve myself.

There's a comment here to the effect: "it's situation dependent" and this is very true...

A couple of things I've learned about myself:
I'm a programmer / analyst. Pulling my head out of logic to be sociable is not always opportune. One issue I've had for a number of years are the idiots who will walk into an office and start talking to someone who's on the phone... and not stop... as if they're the center of the universe (and observing that someone else is on the phone is way outside of normal boundaries). Well, I had that a lot in my last relationship, because I'm a remote worker, and work from home. My SO would start talking at me while I was concentrating... and though several discussions, tried to convey that I can't participate in a completely different, random, sudden conversation while attempting to concentrate on something else that's queued in my mind. And because of what I work on, and the intensity with which I work, sometimes it's very hard to re-queue thoughts... they need to be finished and/or doc'ed, or come to a stopping point.

In any case, that would usually elicit a rude comment from me. I take extreme offense to people who're rude in the first place, unobservant, and flat-out disrespectful, especially after a reasonable conversation to the effect of needing to be respectful and observant of others. I understand this isn't always opportune for the other person, who's wrapped-up in their own thoughts, but, it's always been my policy to be observant of others (including behavioral queues, inflection, body language, etc...).

I'm excellent at second and third order activities (stepping back). I can typically stay very cool when someone else gets heated. I also just don't like competing for verbal space in which to say something, so I'll listen.

Therein lies a problem I have, which usually results in me saying something nasty: Not having time to speak my own peace (calm and cool).

I'm also a thinker (analyst), so, after observing someone's words, the way they're phrased, and what's said, once I figure it out (how it comes together), I can come back later in a very vindictive way... especially when there's built-in ambiguity and conflicting information from one thing said at one time, and another thing said at another time (e.g. people making things up as they go along, then contradicting themselves later, changing stories). Hard to piece this together and explain... I learned argumentation at a very young age... sitting around the breakfast table at age 5, learning to use someone's arguments against them. When I catch someone saying something different, and put the pieces of the puzzle together... especially when an SO has lied about either one or the other, my way of "calling this out" tends to be totally inappropriate and put people on the spot in a very unnerving and uncomfortable way.

I think that's honestly the worst of my personality.

Mean, nasty things said in the heat of the moment, or in emotion.... they can be forgiven, at least by me... though, I'm totally unaccepting, and it is why I tend to say things wrong, when someone has lied to me, or told stories, or changes stories, and declines to differentiate or explain one and/or the other. That's when I get ugly / nasty and say things I shouldn't.

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Knowledge is power.
And, with that, one thing I've had of debate in my mind of late is the following...
Rather than be confrontational, knowing the above about how I respond to things...
I've started to tend toward keeping my trap shut and waiting things out.
At first I perceived this change / development in the way I deal with things I know about myself as a positive, age-related refinement.
The debate rages, though, whether this is too "detached."
Is it not normal to say things in the heat of the moment?
I've also noted that it tends to upset my SO's even more that I don't escalate that often, and tend to cool down as they do esclate, and it usually has an inverse effect... causing them to esclate more.
Note... I said something about this in another thread earlier tonight, to the effect of smirking and staying cool while my last SO (ex) was standing over me, pointing a finger in my chest.
So, the debate rages, should I not have escalated, too, and popped-off with something equally mean & nasty?
Would it have led to make-up sex, rather than the finale (finis) of the relationship???

 

No shit!

 

Every time I wasn't truthful with my ex, especially each time I told her that nothing was wrong and I was "fine" when I wasn't.

 

I know how that goes.

 

'I never knew what a fag hag was till I married you'.

on telling the shit head I was getting a divorce -
Him - 'But you wont be able to be buried in the family crypt if you divorce me!'
Me - 'I dont want to spend my life with you - why the fuck would I want to spend eternity with you.'

I doubt he was sober enough to be hurt by it.

I do often think I suffer from 'foot-in-mouth disease'.