Things you may like that your partner doesn't quite, and vice-versa

Well, it's much safer to say that many of us are the Current Dude. Just like she's the Current Girlfriend.

We all came from somewhere. Odds of moving on are pretty high. No point being all possessive, right?

Since relationships aren't about owning people anymore, I can't really say they're lesser dudes, can I?

As much as I long to put another man's skull on a spear outside my house, it's a lousy aphrodisiac for her.

...

I think Stephen King said it best in that Bag of Bones book: "Just let me do what I want." Whatever it is.

As long as each person is selfish enough to make sure their needs are getting met, relationships work well.

 

They do, but they have to pay double...

 

Pfft, I wish. Then she could pay for the tickets to Antigua herself instead of begging me. What the hell am I gonna do on that island, anyway?

...

Thinking back through all the partners I've had, I'd have to say my exwife was probably the most tuned in to me sexually. What made it great wasn't the fact that she was all lady-on-the-street-freak-in-the-bed, but that the amount of communication required to get where I wanted to go was minimal. If you're in a relationship where you don't have to do up a PowerPoint presentation and coach your partner all play-by-play on how you wanna fuck that night, you're doing well. It helps if they've got some good, deep notches on the bed post so they know all the carnal katas, too.

I don't know how other TFPers feel, but I find there is little more annoying in the bedroom than having to train someone to do common sex tasks.

 

'you could always put it in her ass ?'

 

My thoughts exactly.

Worth the plane and hotel tickets to get what you get at home on a white beach with a woman drunk on sun and frozen marqueritas whose been visually and verbally ogled by locals all day and is in a constant state of "God, I wanna be fucked".

And never forget - anal sex feels better for you than it does for her. That has to be worth something.

 

Huh. Is that how tropical vacations work?

Not if you don't have a penis. *sigh*

/threadjack

 

Thank God, Mrs. Levite is pretty open to most of the stuff I just can't do without, including the buttsex, which is a major favorite of mine. So I'm not really complaining.

But it is true that she's not that into role playing, or B&D games, or rough sex, all of which I have enjoyed a lot with previous partners. Which is unfortunate. But c'est la vie. And, like every other woman I've ever been with, no threesomes. Which is very unfortunate, but hardly unexpected.

 

I'm extremely fortunate to finally have found an SO who is basically on the same page I am. Experimental with boundaries. Painfree B & D, sex in places where where we "could" get caught but the odds are against it, mutual oral stimulation and satisfaction and lots of it, willingness to try mildly fetishy stuff we can mutually agree might be fun and erotic, and most importantly, open communication before, during, and after the act.

My ex grew into a desire for B&D of the painful sort - he being the submissive. I could only go so far (not far at all) before it was totally not fun or erotic, knowing that what he wanted was far too ridiculous and deviant for me to participate in. This fetish of his did not expose itself until later in our marriage. Prior to that, sex was fairly traditional and at times, enjoyable for both of us (or maybe I'm kidding myself that it was enjoyable for him).

I don't judge - I'm in the "whatever floats your boat" camp, but I think it's important that both partners mutually enjoy the experience. If one partner feels the experience is sorely lacking practices that really stimulate them or finds a request totally beyond their taboo boundaries, I don't see how it's going to work long term.

Maybe I do judge a bit. I tend to regard those who cannot reach orgasm without being utterly humiliated and forced to endure significant amounts of pain (likewise for those needing to humiliate and inflict pain) as possibly having some disturbing and unhealthy associations with the sexual act. As I'm not in the least bit interested in being the abuser or abusee in that sort of relationship, it's difficult for me to understand what motivates them, so I do acknowledge that this might be a ridiculously unfair assessment.

 

Not only do I agree with this, but I tend to agree that most fetishes and kinks are completely fine and in the realm of "whatever gets you through the night" so long as they are caviar, and not meat and two veg-- in other words, so long as they are occasional treats, and not the indispensible core of one's sex life. Exploring the boundaries of sexual creativity and human sexual diversity is lovely, and I heartily support it. But at the end of the day, if you can't be satisfied with the junk God gave you (and whoever you're with), and you absolutely have to have other stuff if you're gonna make it through the Creamy Gates...well, sir, that's when I think you've got a problem.

 

So, it's unusual to want flogging with wet celery?

 

Want? Who's to say?

Need? Maybe just a bit.

 

With respect to the original question, I would have to say that it would definitely take away from my pleasure if my partner was doing something that I knew didn't float his boat. His pleasure is equally as important as mine always. Luckily at this point, my SO and I completely get off on getting each other off, so it's a win win win!!!

 

So mysugarcane, if your SO asked you, in say 5 or 10 years from now, "I really want to bring another woman into our bed with us", would you consider it? I've had the request made to me, now and then in my past, asking if I'd be keen on a threesome. And even if everything about it seemed ideal ( another woman I either trusted or a complete stranger, enough liquor to loosen me up enough to get into it) I have this idea stuck in my mental craw that certain sexual experiences, once realized beyond the fantasy stage, become milestone events of the type that could render all things before it less satisfying for one of the partners, who might actually start engineering that sort of thing on a regular basis.

I have this fear that such experiences could turn into lifestyle choices which, if both parties are willing to go there, fine. If one partner prefers it be a one off experience, I imagine trouble ahead.

Sorry, mysugarcane, not really directing this at you, just using you to put it out there.

 

No apology required! Your points are completely valid and a realistic concern in a situation like that. My SO and I have many fantasies. Recently, we fulfilled one, which was going to a sex club. We both knew that there was a possibility that one or both of us could decide not to go through with the "full" fantasy once there. We discussed our comfortable limits with each other before hand as well as what our expectations were. The experience was incredible...LOVED it. It was such an arousing experience and it left both of us wanting more, BUT we both agreed that such an event could be reserved as more of an occasional treat to spice it up. That doesn't stop us from talking about it all the time as well as ideas for the next time. The experience has been a wonderful fuel source for our sex life.

Whenever you consider inviting someone into your intimate space, it is naturally threatening. We are unfortunately insecure beings (both men and women) and live in fear of loss. One thing that has to be more important to both of you than any mind blowing sexual experience is your relationship. My SO has always said that it comes first and he won't do or consent to anything that would hurt that. After our first experience with another couple (prior to the sex club), we didn't have a reconnect period after with just the two of us and I struggled with that. However, I chose to be completely honest with my feelings regardless of how "teenage" I thought they were and it was all good.

May I suggest to you if you want to consider a threesome with your SO that you be in control of finding the third person. You can be the gatekeeper of contact between her and your SO. Also, if you think you may enjoy an MMF make sure that your guy is as equally open to that for you as well...fairs fair. Perhaps you can find a single women on a website like AFF. You can be in control of the contact then and if your SO is sincere about doing this for your pleasure too, he should be able to respect the boundaries you put in place and trust you to find someone who will suit his tastes. If you are wondering if your partner is thinking about participating in the lifestyle fultime, just ASK him! If you can't ask the questions and be prepared for the answers then I don't think you should entertain the idea at all.

PS: It always takes a tiny bit of liquid courage, but remember it's really only about making another human being feel good.

Hope my two bits didn't seem like 50 lol

Sugar

 

Nah, I'm feelin' where you're goin' with this. The worry that once your partner has x, they'll never want to go without it.

"No, honey, I'm not going to massage your prostate with an egg beater while dressed like Napoleon for every blowjob."

Rare things like anal sex are meant to be rare. Super rare things like a threesome are probably a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

Can these things cause problems? Sure. Every Reddit thread on the topic of threesomes has relationship-end'd horror stories.

Solid no-shit communication before, during and after the event would prevent the addictiveness, making said event a treat.

Does giving in to more "deviant" sex acts occasionally create junkie monsters that "can't get enough?" Sure. But, generally speaking, most grown adults are already all the monster they're ever going to be. Porn or not, freaky sex treats or not. We are what we are from pretty early on, I figure.

 

My current SO and I have discussed it as part of a larger discussion about sexual fantasies and have mutually decided that it will most likely not live up to our fantasies of how it could/would/should be. Actually, discussing the particulars of a fantasy is often more stimulating than the actual act might be. We won't be pursuing it but have decided that if it were to happen spontaneously (more likely with a strange couple we met while vacationing in Mallorca and invited back to our villa for a nightcap, for instance) we would not go out of our way to reject the experience if all parties were willing and provided they were long gone before we woke up in the morning.

I'm perhaps not as free-spirited and sexually open as you sugarcane in my consideration of consequences that lurk beyond "just making another human being feel good." Though my SO and I are both adventurous and willing to experiment, we are both wary about going out of our way to engage in something we're not salivating to do, which could jeopardize the very satisfying status quo of our relationship .

Egos are fragile and unpredictable, including my own. I dare not go out on that very precarious limb for a sexual experience if I feel I'm likely to have even the smallest regret for doing so (outside of a face palm and good laugh in the morning over coffee).
--- merged: Jun 14, 2012 at 8:35 PM ---

Or worse, the pressure of needing to continuously up the sexual ante.

"I really enjoyed last night's blowjob but tonight could you hum the National Anthem with a bit more soprano and fist my anus to a march tempo during the finale? Thanks, babe, you're a sport"

 

Mmm, I think these types of things happen when the act becomes about the individual's "need" instead of a shared experience. The distinction is important to me, anyway. The various kinky shit I've done with certain partners wasn't all about the act, but that said person and I shared it.

 

Has your account been hacked by the_jazz, too? Jeez. I know TFP is a sausage fest, but...