Should I respond to my ex-wife's request for annulment

So my ex has requested annulment of our marriage in the catholic church.

Her grounds are that I committed fraud (as in I deceived her into marriage), in violation of canon 1098:

"A person contracts invalidly who enters into a marriage deceived by malice, perpetrated to obtain consent, concerning some quality of the other partner which by its very nature can gravely disturb the partnership of conjugal life."

In other words, I wasn't the person she thought I was so that invalidates the marriage.

Here's my problem. That's bullshit and I don't want to let it stand.

However, I formally left the church and I don't think I give a rat's ass what they think. Also, things are relatively smooth with the kid and the ex right now and I am reluctant to upset the apple cart.

But at the same time it rankles against me.

Canon 1097, however, says: "Error concerning the unity or indissolubility or sacramental dignity of marriage does not vitiate matrimonial consent provided that it does not determine the will." I think the marriage may be sacramentally invalid under their rules because I believed that divorce would be a possibility under some circumstances.

So on the one hand I don't care what they say, and on the other I do. I can ignore it. I can respond and fill out their questionnaire. I am seriously on the fence and would like an objective opinion or two....

So TFP'ers; what say you?

 

If it isn't going to hurt you to do it, and it makes her happy/more amenable, why not do it?

 

We are.

The second question is slightly more complicated and that's where it's muddy for me. I don't care if she gets the declaration of nullity, I'm just pissed off because she's claiming fraud and that's, well, fraud.

 

If you have kids and the marriage is annulled, your kids would be bastards. I'm kidding. The Catholic Church glosses over that. Is this so she can get remarried as a Catholic?

 

Yes, I think so; she has an SO and they are engaged.

 

It would have been nice if she had come to you and said, "Look, I know you didn't lie to me but I love this guy and the only way we can be properly married in the church is if you sign this piece of paper. Would you mind?"
It probably would have taken the sting out of it, because that's all it is, a centuries old technicality that really doesn't effect you.
But I do understand how it makes you feel to read the damned thing with no chaser.

 

Because you have a child, you're stuck having some sort of relationship with her for the rest of your life.

I'd just suck it up and sign. She could have been more tactful.

 

What actually broke up our marriage was a perfect storm of events. There were some issues on both sides. I know I can be hard to live with, especially when stressed. She talks constantly and talks over and interrupts constantly (I used to say "If my words have become sharp, it's from having to constantly fit them in edgewise"), does not use credit wisely, cleans obsessively. Not being heard in your own home is a bad thing. Not being able to relax in your own home is a bad thing. Being displaced in your own home is a killer, which is what happened when she moved her mother in "temporarily." I dealt with it for a year and a half, and finally demanded she be moved out. After months of that, I asked for a separation and she was devastated. Then I met someone.

I'm sure that the way I ended things was hurtful. I own that. In my own defense, I can only say that when a man is at the end of his rope, sometimes letting go of the rope and taking the fall is the only option.

I'm not particularly surprised by her request, it just pisses me off that she continues to see herself as pure as the driven snow in this. She refuses to accept that she had any responsibility in the breakup of our marriage.

I think I'm going to ignore the request and they can do what they want.

 

Yeah, they'll go through their process whether I participate or not. It's by no means a slam-dunk for her. I can make it harder, or I can respond that I agree, or I can not respond at all. I don't agree with her grounds, but for me the question is do I participate at all, and the support here has given me the perspective to realize that if I don't care what they say, then I don't care what they say. So why participate at all and put myself through that?

 

What Spindles and Lindy posted. View it as just a piece of paper, nothing more than an additional release so to say. Maintain the harmony.

My divorced sister had to go through some bullshit jump through hoops in order to marry her current husband, who was Catholic at the time. It made my Baptist mother furious, but sis took a few deep breaths and did what was necessary to satisfy "The Church."

 

Yeah. Especially if there are kids involved. Keep the harmony for their sake.

 

When I was going through my divorce, my ex asked if I would agree to an annulment in the future should he need it. I agreed.

In terms of why were getting a divorce, it sounds to me that we did think the person we were marrying was someone else. As she didn't realize you would be difficult to live with when stressed, the same could be said here.

Just my observation...

 

Of course, that she's prepared to go to these lengths to get it struck off indicates that she's not what you thought, thus misrepresenting herself, thus violating canon law herself.

It costs you nothing but pride, lets her make new and exciting mistakes (most annulments seem to be so a catholic can remarry in church) and may prove to your kid that you're not a dick too.

Go for it.

Then later, when her life isn't perfect, you will feel vindicated.

 

So we met over lunch to talk about parenting time. She asked if I had gotten the paperwork. I told her yes.

She asked if I responded, I said no, I pitched it. She asked why. I told her that I really don't care what they say or do, so I didn't see any point in participating. She said "why can't you let me go? " I said I let you go along time ago, what are you talking about?

She said it would be easier if I responded and said I agreed. I said fine call them have them send me the paperwork again, and I will do that.

 

I'm a big fan of (1) not being a dick and (2) shoving people out of your life that you no longer need there.

 

This is an issue you'll need to discuss with your child at some point. Friends have had this same experience and I understand the INSULT involved! You'll need to make sure your child understands it's only a formality to an institution which is based on superstition and hypocrisy. Maybe not right now....but when your child has reached an age of REASON, you'll want to address it.