Should I Contact An Old Flame?

You asked for advice and received very genuine and sincere responses, yet you automatically assume those who gave advice were giving you their morally superior version. My money says you've already made up your mind and were hoping others would back you up. You can make as many justifications as you like for "catching up" with an old flame but the fact is, she is an old flame and you run more than a fair risk of reigniting the relationship. I believe you know this and it's possibly that you secretly hope it will happen.

 

This.

 

Imagine your wife in similar situation and what would you expect her to do

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Work_spouse

Why bother dredging up the why we didn't stuff? If you want to say "hi HRU" then go ahead. More than likely, she will end up on the friend list with minimal contact other than chatting. (No, I don't consider chatting to be cheating in any way, shape or form.)
You don't even have to friend her. Can just write a catch up note and let it be at that.

Why does there have to be an ulterior motive? Can't old "flames" just say hello?
They are a 20 hour drive apart from each other. Its not like they live one town over.

 

I wouldn't bother. If I were in that position, I'm pretty sure I would get all excited over it and fail miserably..

 

Been there done that and still have issues with it. I worked with a girl in the past and we had a EA and both had a strong desire to be with each other sexually. I am married with two kidds. She is married with five. I broke down one night and told my wife about her. Five years later I am still not 100% about what my wife thinks but she seems to have moved on. I try to move on and have had no contact with the girl for the first three years. Now we talk about once a quarter and talk about her husbands cancer and my kids cancer. What you are doing is hurting your self emotionaly because you are not getting the emotional support or stimulation from home. If you were not ready to commit to the girlfriend then and have no desire to now then you will still feel the pain from your wife and the girl. And if your wife does find out. You might need to have a back up plan if she decides to leave and you will not have either one of them. It is strange but on the way to work today I thought about my old flame and said to my self I need to go seek counsel and fix my marriage and move on so my kids will have the family they need to have. The old flame will have to move on and fix her life herself. We both know we want to be friends but neither one of us need to be friends. We have our families and have choosen our lives before we met. We are thankfull to have met each other had experienced this together.

 

Most OPs (original poster) that ask questions like this already have their own answer, they just want someone to say, "Yeah man, it's all good, go for it." They don't want advice, they want positive conformation on what they are doing is right.

I agree with Borla, if you can't tell your wife about it or why you are doing it, then there is something wrong with it.

Also, the "moral superiority" bit means nothing here. You asked a question on the internet, not to your friends. You have to pay extra for us to sugar coat our responses. Otherwise, you get our brand of hard truths without the benefit of lube.

 

Boy isn't that the truth? It sounds exciting but in reality the odds of failing are about a million to one.

 

go ahead, do it. it's gonna be awesome

 

Yes to this.
Yes to Facebook causing far more harm than it is worth.
Yes to your OP sounding like you've already made up your mind.
Yes it is exciting for an old flame to have contacted you. It's happened to me twice on Facebook, both ex-fiances. It's very flattering. But no matter what you tell yourself, you are putting yourself at risk unless you run it by your wife first.
That I learned belatedly, is the litmus test for "Is what I'm doing OK for my marriage/partnership?"
To cite a specific example, everything I write on here can be read by spouse if he wishes.
If you have anything to hide from your wife about this relationship then you have a problem.

 

If there is nothing wrong with you picking up some form of relationship then why isnt it your wife you are asking. Tell your wife the truth - surely its as much her decision as yours as its her marriage too that may be affected. You could ask the kids opinion too as its obviously something that could impact on family life.
You obviously want to do it, so go ahead - but have the testicles to be honest to your spouse first. Not after. First.

 

Hi, Mutey.

I totally agree that talking with your wife is a good idea. I'd say that is your very first step. It is when you've got that sorted that questions of whether it is or isn't a good idea to see the old co-worker become relevant. At the moment, the only question is about honesty to your wife but this does not have to be about morality. It can equally be about what's needed for you and her to work together effectively as a team. If you prefer, trust and honesty can be thought of as a practical basis for people who are opting for 'togetherness' to get a sense of what they can and can't rely on. Recipes for security. It's a bugger that historically, they've been over-presented as hammers swung from Above, rather than as matters of jolly good sense.

While I'm here, I'll mention that something jumped out at me. Have a re-read of this section, please:

Now, the picture I've got of Who You Are is limited to a couple or so posts, and it's eight years ago, and people change a lot in eight years, so I need you to ask yourself how big is the "Too Scared To" factor, these days? I ask this, because I'm trying to get a clearer picture of what motivates you to be with your wife, and what motivates the way you relate and respond to her.

"Hey, darling ... an ex-coworker got in touch .. wants to meet up ... yeah .. she's got husband etc" With just that information, your wife could well say "Ehh cool "
However,"And by the way, sweetheart, she and I nearly had an affair, but we didn't, because I was too scared to officially cheat on you ... anyway ... so everything's cool ... yeah?"

I don't want to come across like Frater Indignatius from the Order of the Divine Astonishment, but I was like Why? Well, with the information I've got, it looks like everything to do with Damage Limitation, and nothing to do with your feelings For your wife. I mean .. I can't explain it, but that gap hurts.

Mind you, eight years is a long time, and your kid was .. am I counting right ... a baby, and maybe sucking your wife's attention from you, and you were younger and less mature than you are now ... how were you feeling then? And how are you generally feeling now? Now that time here is a long way from back then? Help me out here - I'm guessing on generalities so wide as to be almost meaningless ... but you've lived it every step of the way.

Other posters have indicated it might be a good time to take inventory of how you're getting along with your wife. Doing so here could could enrich and update the picture of who you are. Eddie laid it fair and square on your table, and your response was, imo, powerful and made total sense:

Mutey, you ARE having an internal struggle, and it's hella frustrating, because let's face it, the responses you're getting here are all Kinda Right. And what's worse is you already Kinda Know it.

Heck ... You Yourself could have just gone off without insisting on considering 'What's the right thing to do?' But you didn't.

It's not an easy situation. It does merit the serious thinking you've decided on, and you may well deal with this in ways which respect all concerned. Ways you can be proud of, even though, if I were in your shoes, I'd be struggling, maybe even cursing, every step of the way.

Take care

 

Thanks everyone for your responses. Thanks Zen for your thoughtful response. Unfortunately I won't be responding to it. I think I've got my answer and I don't suppose there is anything to be gained by talking about it anymore. Sorry for posting like a newb.

 

It sounds like you are upset. In fairness, you did ask. However, I get that the answers were not sugar-coated--they were pointed, direct, honest.
That can be painful.
But remember, people took the time to try and answer your questions and now you are shutting us down.
Truly, if you begin a thread with a query, you'll get responses. It's been my experience that the sum of the replies to questions that I've asked here have been at a minimum, food for thought.
Your final sentence, "Sorry for posting like a newb," is unnecessary. For one, you didn't post 'like a newb' and 2. Everyone is a newb at some point.
But more to the point, I disagree that you are sorry for starting the thread. You are angry at the lack of support for your agenda. That is one thing you can be sure of here. Ask a question, get unvarnished answers. It's the nature of the beast.
Unlike Borla, based on your 'kiss-off' to all of us I do not wish to know how things turned out. I've had plenty of my own soap-operatic messes to clean up in my life--don't need to hear more about how you ignored the people from whom who you specifically asked for advice.

 

This is just my opinion, but I'd recommend that you leave old flames, ex's, affairs, and contact with those people in the past. Even if you did run it past your current spouse or sig-other, it will cause your current spouse unnecessary emotional grief and turmoil, wondering why you find it necessary to be in contact with that person on that level again. Any type of ongoing conversations, IMs, emails, texts with a third-party that churns up old emotional stuff focused on your past together, your current personal emotional life (especially if you are discussing dissatifcations, etc.), or discussions about your current spouse will likely be considered, by your current spouse, to be an emotional affair on some level, and possibly even a form of betrayal. Why cause your current spouse that grief and pain? Leave the past in the past and focus on the people in your present who really matter.

 

I'm tempted to play devil's advocat and take this seriously.

OP is apparently not coming back to this issue, but it will work fine for a while, it will be awesome. Until it cracks... and it will. There will be testing and testing. Posting here was one test. You go on this path and you'll be testing each other, you'll be testing the environment to get a permission to something you're unable to give yourself. Paranoia ensues. You'll turn against each other. It's only matter of time... you might as well post her at this point: "What the duck do you want from me!?!!?"

 

behind door number 1:
delete the email. you have a wife and a kid who should be meeting your emotional needs. Forget the co worker and have more adventures with family for the sake of some truly happy memories when you're old.
door number 2:
your wife and kid aren't meeting your emotional needs and you had fond memories of this gal who did. write the co worker back and if it actually develops into something, thank your wife and kid for their inclusion of you in their lives, but you're unable to remain theirs.
door number 3: polygamy

my personal opinion is go with option 1. you made a commitment to your wife and you are now responsible for the life of your child. why even give a mouse fart of a chance of rekindling this "old flame" when you have more important things to attend to?

 

My 2 cents worth - you also have this 'view' of the girl from 8 years ago. She isn't that girl anymore, and you aren't that guy. 8 years is a looooooooong time. IF you do go there, you might just find that you ruin the memory of what happened 8 years ago, with not much chance of gain.

 

Yeah I agree. I ended up finding out the e-mail of an old HS girlfriend after my divorce. Ran into a friend who was still in contact. I e-mailed her right away; ended up on the phone with some methed out freak talking nonsense at the speed of light. I should have just keep her in my memory as a sweet 16 yr girl I spent a summer skinny dipping with.