sex problems in LTR, where to go from here

I would suggest going to see a therapist. Go yourself even if he won't go. A proper therapist will give you tools to help you cope with things and know if your just over thinking it or not. I find it helpful just to get my frustrations out and then I can usually help myself through it. I am currently going through a divorce, and it was I who ended up having to decide to go through with it. I love/d her very much, but she didn't love me enough to treat me right. I wish you the best.

 

I work 58 hrs a week ( mostly ) do all my own chores, have other activities like taking care of my chickens and all that comes with that. and would still like to have sex alot more than I do. so as you can see I'm a busy man. There's a lot more to this story than we know.

 

When I hear things like this it makes me realize it's not normal. I am not sure what you mean by theres more to the story though . I'm not holding out information.

 

well @Zebragirl I'm 51 yrs old and can guess that your close to 30 based on the text. so how old is your husband? and what are his interests other than work? also how do his activities coincide with yours? is your relationship a relationship? and quite frankly I was waiting on the shoe to drop and you try to promote some web store. are you both height weight proportional? this wasn't mentioned, however sex as sex is encompasses a huge imagination.

 

I am 33 and he's 43. He is interested in, photography but doesn't do anything with it and likes watching movies or going for walks. Oh for friends he really doesn't have any to be honest. My interests are, I have a lot of things I'd like to do but don't do because I basically put my interests on the back burner and don't pursue them. Like I'd love to learn martial arts but haven't. I used to paint all the time and play music but don't anymore. I do like reading. What I actually do is take care of our daughter as a stay at home mom and keep house. I have a couple friends that are also mom's that I hang out with. Our interests don't match a lot. I do like being outside with him but frankly wish we could do more adventuresome stuff together. Is our relationship a relationship, I don't know what you mean by that . We talk all the time but not about meaningful stuff lately.

That's a little odd on the website business.. I saw that other thread and thought it was weird. Yeah this is probably long and convoluted. But it doesn't mean it's not true. I'm feeling like you think it's too weird to be true or something. We do have intimacy issues and I think we always have. I am finally figuring out my side of things and I have talked to him about it but I can only work on my side of things. And are you saying sex needs a lot of mental imagination or a lot of it working is mental? I don't get what you mean.
My husband has always been very unusual, some good ways some bad. I live him for some of those traits but others are just a bit dysfunctional.

 

Here's the thing I realize is that we met when I was super young and didn't know myself that well. 19 to be exact. I thought our interests matched up. Because we do a lot together or did, like walks, watching movies, photography. But as I've gotten older I realize that I've lost who I was and I've been trying to figure out who I am for myself. I know he's bored of the day in day out too but just goes with it because that's life. But there isn't any particular thing or activity we bond over if that's what you are getting at. And I don't see us doing that later either.

 

Could he be afraid of having another kid? Does he see you more as a mother now instead of a sex partner? Was there ever a time in your relationship where you had lots of sex?

I don't think your relationship issues are uncommon sadly, but figuring out what to change to fix them isn't always easy.

 

I had wondered the same and he said he is afraid of having another. I think he's always been afraid of that even though we've always been very careful with birth control. The ONLY time we had much sex was when we were dating. As soon as we got married it became very infrequent. We were both brought up to "wait till marriage" which we obviously didn't do so I think that sex being taboo when we're dating made it more appealing. I remember him telling me guys had told him sex stopped once you got married and sure enough it did but I think it was more of a self fulfilling professy because that's what he believed. Same when we had our daughter. He told me the guys at work said the first six months of babyhood were the Worst. Well who barely touched her or even tried to interact with her till she was at least six months?

 

I have seriously been contemplating it wanting out. I think you hit the nail on the head. I have extreme guilt for feeling this way. Because I really thought we were meant to be together, we were soul mates, all that. And I do love him . One month ago you could have asked me the same question and I would say I really wanted to work it out. But there is a chasm that has opened and I feel like I'm trying to truly face "why" I think about being with another man, why I have day dreamed what it would be like to be on my own. And then I feel guilt for even thinking that and I ask myself why I am even thinking of that. Is that what I want? I feel like the consequences are huge and effect so many things if I truly want out. Which makes me wonder if it's just because I feel so lost that I don't have hope anymore. I think I owe it to myself and him to try to make sure it's not going to work. I don't want it to be because I didn't try hard enough or because I bailed when things got hard. I think on one hand if I knew he really wanted things to change and was proactive then I could feel better about really wanting things to work . Without that I feel like it's just me trying to change things and for what. I'm not completely there yet where I can say I do want out for sure . But I can with all honesty say it's been on my mind a lot. It doesn't help that I think I crossed the line talking to a guy a don't know about the sex issues. Nothing happened and can't physically but it's enough to let me know that what I desire is probably never going to happen in reality . It's made me realize a lot about how I feel about things. I hesitate to even bring that up because then everyone will being to say that's THE reason why I'm even thinking of wanting out. But it's not, that's why I began to think about why when I first had thoughts of leaving and that was long before I talked to anyone. I guess maybe in a way that's just still justifying things on my end. And that's why I think I do need to go to counseling and sort out my thoughts. Thank you for asking such a blunt question, I needed that to be honest.

 

I sometimes think if I just pull up my boot straps so to speak and change my life, go back to work, put my kid in preschool, get some hobbies that interest just me, that will either help improve things in my marriage OR help me know for sure if things will ever change. I don't know

 

This ... yes!

I concur with those who recommend you see a counsellor. It'll mean you'll have someone objective to ride shotgun as you examine your feelings and judgements for the future. Then your conversations with others, eg that guy, will not need to be your prime external listening-ear. That will bypass your guilt, though it is possible that, as you develop more the way you want and need to be, your significant other and family might blame your relationship with the counsellor, but that goes with the job, a 'valid' move on your part, so your hands are clean.

I know full well that the DEFINING moment was the Cat Incident ..... his threat to leave you. I can see that shattering or at least putting a fecking huge crack in your dream of ''til death do us part'. A dealbreaker moment. Actually, as a raw and bloody heartfelt share, I go FUUUUUUUUUCK!, like, I'm just editing this post to get rid of some of the typos and I re-read this bit and my brain explodes. I want a cat .. I really DO want a cat ... and he's all "Then I'll Leave You." He might have apologised later, but, way I see it, he threw his toys out of the pram, and, along with it, your trust or, more precisely, your confidence in the likelihood of truly cooperative relationship with this man. He neds to build bridges, and I think your plan in your latest post gives him the opportunity to do just that. OK. End of 'edit' and back to what I already wrote ...

I gave a big This Yes to your recent post because:

Going back to work pays for child's preschool and your hobbies. No need for you to ask your husband for anything therefore he is not a possibly controlling stakeholder. You get a bit more money, he has no reason to work Saturdays. He's no longer the only bread winner. So ....

1: even if you and your husband we getting along very well, your decision to pull up your bootstraps is a great reclamation of YOUR birthright. And totally compatible with your being a good mother in a supportive family environment. Go ahead and do these things and you will magnificently upgrade you as role-model to your child.

2: Is your husband's rigidity and 'thinking about it'/permission-giving limited to stuff that involves him having to do things differently, or does it extend to your doing things that do not need to affect him? Go ahead with your bootstrapping and you will find out.

I will try to sell you a proposition: You do not want to leave him, but you are SURE AS HECK going to leave the old way of being together with or without his cooperation. Your initial post indicated to me that you've 'done talking', because he mainly responds with a "I'll think about it" -->(doesn't think about it)--> "No". Your further posts have confirmed this and indicated you're going to 'Start Walking'. Initially it feels like a need to walk away from the whole lot. Your plan in your most recent post gets to achieve the first and, IMO, most crucial steps away from what you do not accept and toward what you want. Furthermore, it will send him the most solid message of all ... he gets to 'think about' what your doing rather than what you're requesting. Then he'll either fold his rigidity and start negotiating cooperatively or he'll provide you with evidence to help you decide how much, if any, of your future do you want to share with him.

I said "Sell" you a proposition, because your present position in response to @Borla is that he smoked out your wish to get out of the whole situation. I'm sketching how your latest post seemed to me to be your spearhead toward doing the best for you and everybody around you regardless of eventually staying with him or leaving.

Tanke care

 

@Zen

Thank you, thank you, thank you , times a million.

I appreciate each and every reply here, but your post was especially validating, heartfelt and encouraging. I really do appreciate it.

I really am thinking long and hard about going back to work. There is a part of me that doesn't want to but I feel that it is a good step for me. It will be hard. Especially putting my daughter in daycare or something and preschool. She has some anxiety issues and is very attached to me but it will have to be worked through. Even going to school it will have to be worked through at some point so better to start somewhere. I am going to look for a therapist or counselor to talk to, I think that will help me work through many of the things on my mind and maybe some specifics on how to handle some things.

On your points, number 1 makes a lot of sense.
In regards to number 2 , "Is your husband's rigidity and 'thinking about it'/permission-giving limited to stuff that involves him having to do things differently, or does it extend to your doing things that do not need to affect him? Go ahead with your bootstrapping and you will find out. "


one of the biggest fears I have had in regards to getting a job is that I kind of know the answer to how his rigidity is when it involves things that don't directly affect him. I was finishing my degree when we got married but 2 years after we married I started working full time in the medical field. I worked full time for the next 4 years till our daughter was born. It was a hard job but it taught me a lot and like any job I hated parts of it and loved parts of it. But what I know from working fulltime during that time in our marriage, is that he was critical even then with anything I spent that he didn't deem "necessary". Maybe slightly less obsessive about it. But I did begin to hide some of my purchases (I'm not a shopaholic or anything, just stuff like buying another houseplant or goldfish for the fish tank , small things that weren't a big deal but he would get very critical and fuss over it). As I stayed at home I recognize we are on one income and am careful about not overspending. He is very "what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine" and I am ok with that to an extent but when it comes to things I want to purchase or do purchase he says "what the F?!?!" when I buy something that he thinks is ridiculous. I bought a 2nd hand guitar just after Christmas for $60 , it was brand new really but had been sitting in someones closet. I really want to learn guitar. I had birthday money so I bought it. I'd been saving it for something special. His reaction was like the aforementioned "What the F?!" and I told him I had my birthday money and he immediately calmed down. If I had been working for the money instead of it being given to me by my grandma, without a doubt he would have continued to gripe about it because "what's mine is yours..."
What I am worried about is that when I get a job, he'll want me to deposit all of the money in the same joint account we always have and it will just be a nice big lump sum like usual and add up (like he wants) so that he can justify doing something large on the house like a deck or finish the basement. If I make a separate account then he'll say that's not fair because what he makes is "ours" so what I make should be "ours" as well, so I guess that's my worry.

Well first things first, anyway, is probably get into see a counselor, and maybe then make a game plan for a job, etc.

Again thank you.

 

Wonderfully said Zen.... almost Zen like!

 

It,s one thing I never get tied of,it,s good sex......