sex problems in LTR, where to go from here

Nothing personal, but I take his side on the cat issue.

I take your side on how many hours he is working and trying to squeeze in sex. But it sounds like there is too much going on in your lives to have more responsibilities and expenses of adding a cat.

 

You think his response on the cat was acceptable? I can understand if you don't like cats or if you wouldn't want a cat. But you really think threatening to leave over your wife wanting a cat is OK? It's not like I wanted a crocodile or a snake. He says he doesn't even dislike cats he just adamantly didn't want one in HIS house. And for what it's worth a day later he came to me and apologized and said I could get a cat. I don't know what changed. But it seems over the top threaten to leave and think all week about it when your wife asks you to think about it.

 

Well, I like cats, and they don't require a lot of care. A dog would be another thing entirely.

I am really baffled and appalled at his behavior.

 

Yeah see I'm not out to try to get people on my side because of the cat. Its just that I really was thinking, why am I having these feelings about not being happy, why does it feel like it's not just the sex. And as I thought about it I realized it went back to that argument. It made me go "woah" of all the things to freak out on and him to contemplate leaving over.

It made me seriously question our relationship I think.

 

I'm appalled because he doesn't seem to take your opinions seriously.

My wife wonders whether he is (1) clinically depressed, (2) extremely rigid, (3) gay, or (4) withdrawing from the relationship.

 

Cats are awesome.
You mentioned your daughter and being a 24/7 parent.
So he doesn't take any time out to be a dad, spend time with her just doing dad things?
Or taking on the tough stuff, changing diapers, taking care of her when she's sick, those kinds of things that create bonding?

Cause it seems like to me you have more than just the medical issues going on here.
There's a good chance his upbringing didn't include much in the way of intimacy and he's just carrying on that tradition.

 

If I was going to guess I'd say for SURE number 2. Maybe number 1 but I am not sure. Not 3 and I don't think 4. He has a tendency to be very very rigid in a lot of things. Hence the preoccupation with working specific hours and making overtime all the time. I will be honest, I have though he might have OCD or aspergers. I see the signs and in fact my daughter is quite similar and I am having her evaluated for high functioning autism.

 

Example. It's silly. He gathers the trash so we can take it in town. I am going in town tomorrow so he gathered it tonight. He used some mouthwash tonight which isn't normal for him. I asked if he was feeling OK. Because he often uses mouth wash if he thinks he is getting a sore throat. He said he was fine. I asked why the mouth wash before bed. He laughed and said so the empty bottle could go in the trash. He does everything possible to empty combine or throw away things before he gathers trash. He won't tie the trash bag shut till he knows all the trash is gone the day he takes it. I used a link roller in the bed and tore off two pages, before bed, and he said, "those need to go downstairs in the trash bag tomorrow." like all the trash cans around the house have to be 100% empty before the bag of trash leaves the house . So if he takes the bag and puts it in the car and I put a kleenex in the he kitchen trash can as he's on his way out it needs to go out in the trash bag because the cans are now no longer 100% empty. He joked and said to get him a t shirt that says "I have ocd and proud of it". So he knows it's weird and he laughs it off. But he really is pretty rigid.

 

I'm seriously thinking pf going to sex a counselor. I've been so stuck in my head.

 

I cant believe my phones autocorrect. That was meant to say "see a counselor" gosh. Lately my phone changes every other word i type.

 

Issues with myself or him?

 

I mean do I sound depressed or does it sound like he is? I don’t feel depressed. I was depressed two years ago. I don’t have that fog over me where I don’t want to do anything like I did back then. I feel like I am confused because I am so awake and not liking what I woke up to.

 

Somehow i missed this reply. He very rarely helps with her. He is supportive but doesnt actually do much but play with her. He wouldnt when she was younger. She has a rigid personality herself and due to him not getting involved when she was a baby she is not resistant to him doing anything for her. She will literally sit and wait for me to do something when i am clear across the house and he is right there offering to help because she wont accept him helping her. He plays with her alot when he comes home. But thats about all.

 

This might have been asked and answered but have you tried counseling?
I suspect he probably would be resistant to the idea, it doesn't sound like he'd be comfortable sharing intimate things like this with a 'stranger'.
But even if you can't get him to go it might be worth going yourself.
There might be coping methods and ways of handling things that you could learn from a professional that might make him interested in joining in the counseling.

 

I know this was an autocorrect error, but before I knew that, I read it as "...going to see a sex counselor." Like, I suppose, a sex therapist.

 

I would be open to going . He probably wouldn't. We went before for counseling on how to deal with his parents and he felt it was a waste of time. I was thinking of going on my own

 

I think I will go talk to someone. I need to anyway because of the suspected ADD. I am pretty sure I don't have depression. I've had that in the past and it was always situational, lack of support etc. I was on medication for a for a while, then got off of it and have felt a ton better since then. I really felt like I had this terrible fog when I was depressed and had no desire to do much of anything. Now it's not like that. I did some research on the differences between ADD and depression and I really feel like it's not depression. I lay away not able to shut my brain off, all the time, not because I am worried just because my brain won't be quiet and go to sleep. I can tell it to, I can try to focus on something peaceful. When I was depressed I could go to sleep easily. I was tired all the time. I'm not even tired half the time now.