No Children

My daughter's might argue that Molly gets treated better than they do. Unlike my kids, I cover her heathcare, recreation, and food.

Both of my daughters are proof that birth control isn't 100%. While they weren't planned, we tried to screw up as little as possible. At this point, we are childless again, with a couple of adults that we are pretty fond of. Zero "empty nest syndrome" in our household, my wife was redecorating our youngest daughter's bedroom as she was moving out.

Decisions don't get much more personal than the choice to reproduce. I can't imagine life without my daughters; but I'm sure it would have been just fine.

 

Expecting your kids to be subordinate will fuck them up, too. People don't have any goddamned balance. That's a persistent parenting challenge for a lot of people. Not being a pussy (per se) and not being a dick.

Plus, too many people are self-loathing. They hate or are ashamed of the things that they did when they were children therefore they place unrealistic expectations on their own kids as if human development were a rational, discrete sequence of events that can be controlled if you just tell your kids the right stories, give them the right warnings, make them fear the right consequences. As smart as we are we've yet to figure out two simple things: chaos happens and rebellion is developmentally rational. If you're not prepared to deal with those consequences it's probably another reason why not to have children. You're gonna fuck them up.

Getting off course, I guess. I have to go to work.

 

I skipped a bunch of posts so if this observation has been made...oh well.
I have kids. Both were unplanned. 'Unplanning' can be stupid because of the all-consuming, expensive task of raising children up properly.

I don't romanticize parenthood. Both kid #1 and me went through the ringer when he was very young and again, from age 12 through adult. I learned a lot about how to cope with really fucked-up situations and I learned about being at my wit's end. I did without--a lot of without--but I never resented that because it was my choice not to abort. My choice and the consequences were mine and his. Why should he have borne the consequences any more than what life brought his way?
And now, the unthinkable has happened and we are estranged. And that is OK, too. Like the old, tired but true, phrase says, you don't pick your family. It was his choice to dump us (me, really--no relationship with any other family members now that his grandmother is dead--again, his choice).

I was 10 years older when unplanned kid #2 came along. I had already had one abortion due to marital rape (child #1's father) and though it was going to be hard--I was in grad school and finances were tight, I was in a committed relationship and we could afford to raise him. I won't wax on about him but he's pretty cool. I would have loved to have had a daughter but it wasn't in the cards when adhering to the practice of zero population growth. We made sure of that via vasectomy upon the successful birth of child #2.

My observation about the child-free couple I know best is that they've never learned to sacrifice, to unselfishly give of their time and finances for another person the way you just do for your kid. It is my only sibling of which I speak and I love him and my sil to bits and yet in some ways, to me, they've never grown up, because maybe, they have never had to?

I really enjoy child #2. He's way smarter than his dad or me. Unconventional. Reads all the freaking time, huge gamer. I would not have a relationship like this with a man his age if I hadn't birthed him. I wouldn't be able to relate to a lot of you if I hadn't had both my kids because you learn their language.
On the whole, I've gotten way more back from having children than what I could have had.
But this is what my life was like. Diversity is fantastic. Freedom of choice is awesome. No one pressured me to have or not have kids. I'd not dream of doing it to another. And judging? Judge not lest ye be, no?

 

I think that's an extremely unfair observation based on one experience. While it's true that I will probably never have to sacrifice for a child, that doesn't mean that I have never or will never learn to sacrifice due to not having a child. I accept the fact that I am relatively young and privileged, and most of my sacrifices are different, but that in no way insinuates that I will "never grow up".

In my opinion, the decision to be childfree can be the ultimate sacrifice.
Wanting children and deciding not to due to financial status or lack of resources is an extremely "grown up" and responsible decision.
Deciding to be childree due to not wanting children is also incredibly unselfish. Why have a child if you know in your heart you can't give them the life that a child deserves?

 

Indeed, the fundamental and most significant reasons behind my decision not to have children, in my mind, have always been unselfish:

...as much as some might question my judgment and priorities.

Calling the only childfree relationship with which you have firsthand familiarity one in which its members "have never learned to sacrifice, have never had to grow up, etc." seems somewhat judgmental in and of itself, in my opinion. Just an observation.

On the flip side are the many, many couples with children that have sacrificed nothing at all for their kids; for these, becoming a parent has nothing at all to do with learning to sacrifice or growing up.

 

I'd be selfish to not have kids during a zombie apocalypse, sure... but right now?

I really think we've got the whole human population clown car thing covered. Muslims, Mormons, etc.

I mean, if it was like 1776 and I was a typical landowner, I would have been laying that pipe like my middle name was Bangalore.

 

The world is less fucked up than it ever has been.
The "overpopulation" is a myth in the West at least. Our populations are generally shrinking and have been for a while.

In the long run this problem will sort itself out, genetics being what it is. I do find it sad so many people think they would be bad parents, the fact you are thinking that most likely means you would be good parents unless you are totally fucked up. Parenting is not all that difficult. Like everything in life you can read the horror stories and use that to convince yourself its not for you, but if you did that in all things you wouldn't even take an aspirin.

My guess is this trend for childlessness is due to just how good we have it over all, and birth control. In the past, maybe you weren't not sure if you wanted children but sooner or later mistakes get made birth control wise. Only recently would these become major selective traits. Added with the "global village" our brains are simply not evolved for, it gives an outlook on life and the future which wouldn't have happened 100 years ago.

I honestly do feel sorry for you all who choose not to, I can't think of any activity that would be worth, in retrospect, not having children for.

 

It's frustrating to see people backed into a corner where they have to defend themselves from unfair characterizations. Also frustrating to see them go on the offensive.

It's not selfish to choose not to have babies.
It's not selfish to choose to have them, either. Even in this world. Even if you're not rich.

There seem to be a lot of misconceptions all around. I really don't get. Maybe because I've seen it done both ways. I'm a parent, but my older sister never married, never had kids and is completely happy. And not selfish or immature at all, she's a teacher. And not all that different from me in lifestyle and values. It doesn't matter whether you have kids or not. You're still going to be the same person. Maybe that's hard for people to believe? I'm just kind of flummoxed by people's attitudes.

 

I still don't like what humanity has done to the world, overpopulated or no, and I'm not contributing to it.

End of story.

 

Is that an implication that life ain't worth living without children?

 

It's just one thing.