My mom passed and my ex wife should have joined her...

I would argue that not paying child support is a form of abuse also..

so..........again, 2 adults acting like children. That's a greaaat way to raise them

 

You don't get a bench warrant for being up to date on child support.

 

Not paying child support.
Screaming the F word at your former wife.
These are not the actions of a grown man.
These are the actions of a child.
It sounds like the ex is on the same level.
A pox on both their houses; it's just the unfortunate children that make this story so much worse.

To the OP: Start acting like a man, not an overgrown boy. Things will get better for everyone.

 

Baraka_Guru
Ok, so after going through those nightmarish posts yet again, apparently the child support is paid up until May of this year. So ok, the child support is paid. The bench warrant is for not showing up "because of not having a ride".
---
Either way, they're both acting like selfish brats who want to throw their toys out of the pram and then place full blame on the other instead of at least being amicable enough that the children can have somewhat of a relationship with both of them. This is why most people shouldn't have children. If you can't act like a grownup, then don't spawn. It's really quite simple.

Condolences for the loss of the mother and the bullshit tactics used by a bitch of an ex wife, but that still doesn't give cause to all the excuses I'm hearing regarding the children.

Flame away if you want..I'm callin' it like I see it and my eyes are wide open on this one I'd say.

 

Baraka_Guru

I would imagine that the immature thing to do here is to pretend that some silly little characters on the vast interweb of the net is going to make the situation better. I would say the mature thing to do would be to be straight up with the person since they clearly are one sided. It's merely pointing out that some people are just too silly to see they're half of the problem.

Pray tell, how exactly am I or anyone else supposed to help him? Am I to fly to Michigan and give him a ride to court? Should I stand in between him while he curses at his ex? Should I tell the cops he's cool and that his bitch ex-wife is just trying to put him in jail on bogus charges?

I take care of my kids..so yeah, that shit you put up there is just fluff to try and get around the issue. Is it a high and mighty stance? Possibly..but at least my kids have a good home and two parents that work together to help them make it. That's the responsible thing to do..so I guess it's not so immature after all.

I'm not exactly sure how anyone here is supposed to help other than say "Damn Bro! She's a BITCH! I can't believe that fucking shit! That sucks..hope it gets better". Yeahhh..that's really going to do a shit-ton of good isn't it?

Not having a ride to see your kids is a pretty shitty excuse. Not getting along with an ex is a shitty excuse to not see your kids. There are tons of people who had kids who end up not liking each other but they at least put the childish shit away long enough for the kids to have access to both of them. You don't have to love or even like the one you mated with, but you can love your kids enough to give them what they need.

I think the title of the thread demonstrates the level of maturity in this case rather clearly. Wishing the mother and caretaker of your children dead? Yeah. Super Mature Grown-Up Land!

 

Whaaat?

I already saw this episode of Maury.

 

Baraka_Guru

Proper perspective begins with looking at one's self. Sure, I could hold his hand and lead him to a circle jerk, but really that's only going to make the situation worse. Personally? I'd rather someone be frank, blunt and brutally honest with me than patronize or empathize when they aren't in the situation at the moment.

I agree the ex did a shitty thing, but as I've said, both parties are equally at fault regarding the children and if Drider isn't happy with the situation, then it's not hard to get a new hearing and try and get the custody and child support expectations amended. Instead of wishing the mother of your children dead (the person who feeds, clothes and bathes them btw) perhaps it would be better to use the legal system even if it's a slower process.

As far as to who's benefit I'm posting for..I think everyone posts for their own benefit first and foremost followed by the benefit of others. People post in order to elicit responses. They may not always like the responses but they're still receiving the reach around by having a response. Perhaps I'm not as level headed in my responses as I may have been as a staffer, but at least it's a passionate response and not the a-typical circle jerk that seems to dominate most forums in this internet age. If you think I need to see my way out the door, then say as much. I'm a big boy. I can handle it.
--- merged: Feb 13, 2012 7:46 PM ---

holy fuck.

funniest shit I've read all day.

fuck I love you sometimes.

 

I think the fuller story makes the position clearer, if still not entirely clear. Personally, I'm not sure I need to know more.

It's a bad situation and I'm sorry for anyone and everyone caught up in it.

What could make it better, going forward? That's the question.

 

Hi Drider_it

Hi Alistair ... "What could make it better, going forward? That's the question. "

Yeah. Good idea. - I'm trying to wrap my mind around this.

Drider - please get ready for a bloody long spiel from me. I've got just enough emotional distance to talk to you with a little bit of clarity, but your situation blows me to hell and back and cripples my ability to organize my thinking here. Please forgive me for that.

OK ... you DID need to add detail and clarity to your initial post. I'm going to take a long shot in the dark ... and it will be based on something Baraka_guru said, which was that you're writing from the position of having only recently got out of jail, being bereaved and being in the middle of all this.

In your position, my rational thoughts and my emotional thoughts, my sensible intents and fantasies, and my demonpit-of-rage imaginings would be like the stuff flying around and through me in the hurricane of my ultimate grief and anger. Anything and everything that I'd hoped, dreamt, that had or could mean anything, would be like the pillow of my life had been baseball-batted, and I would be blinded by the flying feathers.

I can see the various rights and wrongs and stuff, and bits of clarification needed, but what hits me hardest is .. WELL DONE, Drider, on being able to write anything at all. In your position, I would be deaf, dumb and blind. But not numb. I would not be able to write a single thing, and I'd have been crawling on the floor like a broken insect. Enough of me - I'm trying to big you up just enough. Yeah yeah I'm sure YOU know that some of your responses are not the best that you need at the moment, so, of course, your going to think hard how to move past them and to put better, more useful thoughts and feelings in their place. But for now, in my book, you're ahead of the game just for reading this, rather than curled up in bed in a darkened room.

Heck, a month or so from now, a month or so's things will have happened and I reckon there'll be other thoughts and feelings for you, and some of the may be very useful. What are they? Which ones could be useful sooner? If you look back from a month or so from now, you'd have the benefit of hindsight and begin to see what you might need tomorrow, next week, etc. Can you reach them and have them NOW? If so, or if you need to ponder a while first, then good. And WRITE ... Notice ... IF your account here needed to be clarified by you, just imagine how you may need to check and clarify your thinking about the entire subject? Once wrong, write twice. Your words. Your hand.

We can call from the side of the hole - you're the one with the actual shovel. I mean, Glory's Sun is totally concerned about the possible limits of usefulness of advice and responses on the internet. I echo that concern at the same time as echoing Baraka's position that all this does not necessarily have Zero usefulness. But it's you, Drider_it, who have got 99% of the information, and I'm saying that your sitting and writing it down, then reading it, THEN writing it again, could be very useful. Especially if you've got some headings like "What do I want to do, " and "Where do I want to go with this, " and other headings of your own devising.

There's something else I want you to wrestle with: You mentioned, and you've been challenged when you made it clear that you love your children, but cannot risk losing your 'health or emotional balance' (my words). You've got a seeming conflict there, because there is no health or balance in putting your children any lower than first. I will not try to justify this. It's a principle I'd simply live by and, if need be, die for, and, because I'm writing to you, then I can't help trying to steer you in directions I happen to think are right. OTHER side of the paradox: you NEED to have enough health and emotional balance IN ORDER to effectively look out for the interests of your children. Seek that As Well As keeping your children in the front of your mind. They are not actually two different things, therefore there is no choice to make, and immediately, you have the foundations of your needed health and balance. Though I appreciate you have much you need to add to it to make it stable, and plenty of pit-stops you might need to maintain it.

Another thing I want you to do: With your children in the front of your mind, put that hideous 'jail/mom died/bitch prevented communication' event somewhere else, to a very, very special place .. a place where you PROMISE YOURSELF that you WILL deal with it thoroughly, and in ways which will satisfy you ... AFTER you have done something now to fully concenrate and grasp the Larger Reality of Mother's passing ... how she was going to die, approached death, and is now dead ... a fresh gap in your life ... a fresh gap which will become a less fresh gap. The gap will remain, but may move to where you put times past ... become a less and less recent memory. Though a memory ever present.
And there's gotta be a funeral. There has to be a funeral. Can you let the funeral be about her, you, her life, your life with her, how you and she got on, how you didn't get on, and how, at the end of the day, you'd both got along as well as you were going to, and eventually, as well as you did? Can it be all about this, please?

NEXT: There's Gotta be other practical things you'll need to think about ... around the funeral and what is relevant to her passing and the days immediately after. I'm guessing there'll be pressing things to do concerning your children. Here, everything is very fuzzy for me. The only thing I AM sure of, is that that hideous traumatic couple of days NEEDS to be kept in that special place. Your ex-wife is closely involved with it but NO WAY will be be able to help through that, and indeed, no way will she want to. YOU will need to deal with that later, and with yourself, friends, even us here. It's a bloody real and heavy part of what you are going through, but it's got to be in a little cart you pull behind you, because NOW you need to think your way through WHAT needs to be done these next few weeks. Then you need to think it through a SECOND time ..... just like you needed to do it here .. to upgrade your clarity. Then you need to think 'What resources have I got, and what resources do I need' ... .do I need to provide all of them, and when are those resources needed?'

Go on the internet, and

http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=thinking and planning

You'll find information to guide you when you sit and write stuff down ... remember in YOUR case, you write it down Twice.

Reading stuff twice could be useful too. I hope the above makes sense ..... it makes more sense if you FEEL you way through what I have been writing, rather than trying to 'see it clearly'. Read carefully, and try it out carefully, because, I'm ashamed to admit that some of what I've written is utter RUBBISH and demonstrates how well I don't know you. Facepalm. However, some of it WILL make useful sense, and if so, I'll consider myself f-----ing lucky.

Do you get me? In your position, I'd be paralyzed and helpless, apart from running around like a headless chicken. I jolly well hope you're in a better emotional position than that. Me, I've read your thread, and am simply throwing everything, including the kitchen sink in your direction. As if you got trapped and cornered, or painted yourself into a corner ... and ... here is stuff being thrown toward you from a long way away. Some might be just what you don't need, and some might be just what you do need; Sometimes, you might need a long stick or boat-hook to pull it close enough, but ALL of it can become within your Reach.

And WE are within your reach. Some of us with sticks, some with carrots, some of us *cough* confused and upset for you, and all of us with intent that you shall get though this better than you might have imagined.

Take care.

 

Man, i understand where youre coming from, but i have to agree with some of these guys on sucking it up, and being a Dad to your kids. it really sux that your ex is being as manipulative as you describe, but the best you can do is keep eatting the shit sadnwich, and cherish every moment you get with your kids.

my ex went nuts about the same way you desribe yours has... thankfully we did not have children together. in your situation, focus ont he kids, ignore her to the maximum extent possible, and press on. you could potentially start documenting things to present to the case-workers or whatever kinda folks are involved... save your pay stubs, and use them to create an income expectation, and keep fighting for better custody.

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING FACTUALLY!!!! NO EMOTION!!! NONE, ZERO, ZILCH!!!

first thing you need ot spend money on is a car and a cell phone, so you can be more reliable than she is....

 

My lawyer has almost everything he needs to start a case finally with her. I'm not exciting or splash and dash. And so its clear and open, she was in a wreck. It ended up changing her whole personality. The person I had married left, replaced by another. In the last two years, she had decided she needed something else in her life. I wasn't it. Due to her ... sigh "test driving guys" and once a fatal flaw was found she claimed she wanted the marriage and broke it off with them. It led to me having issues being around her.

The nights my oldest would ask when is mommy getting home. The fact I did man up and took care of our children for over 5yrs alone. While she dropped outta college after college trying to get a LPN. Gambling our money at truck stops. The fact I had to stay on the house day after day, never relaxing.. never getting outta the house. Yes, I gave up a life of college and more. And I did it with my whole heart to provide for our children.

The fact she ran to Michigan, burning all her bridges in Louisiana. Manipulating and using even her realitives up here for her own needs. I took pictures of her current trailer. I have 15 people up here, that have talked to my lawyer and signed papers. I have requested the 5 CPS cases against her so far just in this state..

Let me ask this.. I called CPS gave them 13 pictures, and was told dog feces and urine isnt a factor unless there is an infant involved. That clutter and living space isn't a factor. I am not happy with the state of Michigan right now.

Yes, I plan on getting custody of the children. I have a huge house, starting a local job next week. And we are working on getting a ride.

It's annoying at 39 trying to restart all over. I spent the last 15yrs at the same two jobs (3 really) to come up to a state and start all over. Its really hard.

A simple example of my "emotional and mental" state around her...

Its been two days since she was home. I'm sitting on our king size bed. I've watched the kids go through their day, I tried hard to keep a smile going. While my mind went from calm.. (She will be here soon.) to.. worry (why isn't she back.. why won't she answer the phone.. why won't she just call..) and finally (OMFG I am sick of this.. does she even understand the fact there are 5 kids here? that I am here. I'm sick of this..)

so as an emotional creature, I went through most of them.. then she finally comes in..

Straight to the shower she goes. Then falls into bed. I lay beside her.. my heart is thumping in my chest. I'm scared worried and a bit miffed. I'm worried my racing heart is shaking the bed. I put my arm around her. She wakes up kisses it and says the word James.

that was a year ago. So, sure I could buck up .. my nads drop and I man up. Be around a woman that will forever be a stranger. Live day in and day out watch her bring guys around me. I CAN keep my mouth shut and ignore it all for the sake of my children. I did it for 5 yrs. I could do it for the remainder of my life.

Let me ask you this.. Could you. Could you come back into a life you was ejected out of for over a year. To see the space occupied by a macho jock jerk? He's good with our kids I'll give him that. Fact he has a CSC 2nd degree assault for life. The fact when I was there I had to watch and be around those two. Lovey dovey around each other. Even sleep on a futon in the same room, there was no room in a two bed room trailer for everyone. It gets to you. She says she isn't happy with him.

And so the whole cycle starts again.. She sees me starting to get back on my feet. Her actions have gained her nothing. And she wants to be a "family" again.... This happend twice now. First time we lost everything we had.. The last time we lost everything and I only get to see my kids every other weekend.

She asked for a divorce and I gave it to her. I had to stop it.. Please if anything else, I hope you can understand.. I can't be around her. Either I'll be crushed utterly by her actions.. or my emotional state will take a dark turn and I'll end up either looking an ass or ending up some place I'd rather not be.

How far can you push someone before they literally give up and give in?

Now, I have friends and "family" that encourage me.

Yes, I was abused and I am not afraid to admit it. I am scared of her. This last time I had a chance to see the kids and I took it. I took a chance and due to her actions I got burnt. But, I got to see my kids.

No, I don't do everything right. I'm rash and I have a huge temper. I do my best to control it. I don't know. She is the type that states something. In doing so, she always words it so she can say "No, I meant it this way" or she is always calm and gets to you. In our divorce case, the judge even blew up at her. "If I wanted a dialog, I would ask for one. I went to college. I passed my classes. I wear a robe. And for the record, its 'Your Honor'"

That was interesting to see that. She can piss anyone off from 0-upset in under 3 sec at times.

I don't know how to deal with a person like that, and more so that I have a history with her. I don't think anyone can. I don't want to deal with her. I tried, I promise all of you.. I tried. I did everything I could even got her a house of her dreams and it was never good enough.

My heart just couldn't take it anymore. I love my children. I would do almost anything for them. But what good would I be to them.. what example would I set for them..

I would end up broken and beaten again...
I would end up doing something stupid... and yes it would happen.
Teach my boys its ok to cower and submissive
Teach my daughters its ok to treat a guy the way she does.

And no I'm not perfect.. On day two summers ago I had enough. I had a guy come up and complain she wasn't being fair on selling my daughters aderal.. I had all her stuff on the porch. I blew up on her. For the first time in 5yrs All my emotions all of them came out in a verbal explosion. My children wasn't there. But I let it out. I pointed out her dealings with guys and drugs.. all of it. So, yes on that day My balls did drop and I became a monster for 3hrs.

My reward? she knew the cat was outta the bag grabbed the kids ran to Michigan and hid for 6 months. And yes I called state police, CPS and Friend of the Court. Unless I was in a custody battle, filing for divorce.. they couldn't help me. It was explained she was on vacation and that I was over stepping my bounds. I am fed up and sick of the state of Michigan.

I stay away from her for my own safety and probally hers and her boytoy. I know I ramble and rant.... and if I was a super hero, I'd be called Tangent Lad... I'm sorry I wont be posting like this again I assure you.

Its just fustrating looking someone in the eyes and trying to explain to them how my ex is when asked... and I get a blank look back.

I'm just tired of watching over my back just to be around my children. Whether they are with me or I am with them.