Is Monogamy really THAT complicated?

President Clinton already cleared that up for us.

/cue video clip

 

Stop using that word.

 

Wow....it is complicated. My snap judgement said it wasn't and then I thought about it and read the comments here. It's a something that need to be discussed amongst partners, but I could see how that's a difficult discussion. I know I would say to my partner, "I have a lot of male and lesbian/bi friends. I joke and interact in a way that may be perceived as flirting....what is your comfort level?" Hell, there are even straight girls and gay men I flirt with. I just know who I am and know I should probably talk to my partner about it. I should also admit if I am attracted to someone, but let my partner know where my loyalty lies. If my partner cannot accept that this happens, then we probably aren't compatible.

I suppose it's not complicated if communication was more standard in relationships.

 

Communication can't solve everything. Compromise is usually necessary if both people aren't perfectly compatible (and no one really is), which requires both parties losing out on something they want as well as gaining something they want.

It does take some experimenting and experience to determine what is truly a "need" for you in a relationship, as well as what is truly a "want." I go back and forth on monogamy a lot.. sometimes it seems like it would just take the right person to convince me that monogamy wouldn't be giving up a lot of what I enjoy in my interactions with others, but then a nearly-right person comes along and it still doesn't work out.

At this point in my life, monogamy makes me feel pretty trapped. And I'm ok admitting that. It is something I have been very insistent on in the past and something I have defended vehemently.. but I think experience is starting to change my mind about what is realistic for me long-term, and I am still figuring out who I am, what I want out of a relationship, and what I want to offer to a relationship. I've become incredibly independent in the last year, so it's more and more difficult to bend my wants to suit someone else.

 

It's complicated.

...

If it wasn't for monogamy, I wouldn't have anybody reliable to watch my couch.

 

Sorry Plan9, my bad.
And yes it is all about communication.

 

Ah, yes... but more standard in relationships or more standard in people in general? I think people are wusses.

It makes you wonder how we get anything done... as little as we all say what we mean, ask for what we need.

...

Yeah, let's not switch roles on TFP like that. Kids'll develop a complex.

 

Infidelity occurs LONG before sex. At the point you are participating in behaviors that you know would upset your partner if they found out, you are being unfaithful. I try to hold myself to a pretty high standard, I expect the same from my partner. Not everybody views it that way, however, not everybody is going to be compatible w/ me either.

 

The Dawn of Sex by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha makes a pretty compelling case that monogamy isn't 'natural' for humans, and that it is a pretty recent phenomenon. I know that just because something isn't 'natural' doesn't mean we shouldn't try for it, but the point is, there is evidence for why it is hard for many humans, and I don't just mean men. Their point, and it is a good one, is that couples should be pretty open with each other about how they feel about monogamy - couples need to talk about it. There are many people who take the perspective that 'it isn't cheating if my husband knows about it', which I think is interesting.

 

Any type of relationship is complicated, don't you think? Two people have to work to keep some level of harmony in a friendship or familial relationship just to keep it cordial. A monogamous relationship is just that much harder. Two different people with two different histories trying to maintain communication, intimacy and love. Effort, time, love, pain ... complicated.

 

I only wish you knew my wife, then we could have shared a good laugh.

If she started doing that, I'd shake the hand of the guy that thawed her out.

I draw the line at her fucking other guys. Plain and simple. Everything else is negotiable.

 

i'm going to go with a mixed version of "people need to communicate more" and "if you're both cool with it, there's no problem." what i'm still trying to wrap my head around though is what happens if the relationship is built upon certain conditions (no cheatin- *ahem* infidelity) but then halfway through one party is physically attracted to someone outside of the relationship even though they only ever emotionally connect with their s/o. i think we could probably make a Big Book of MENSA-scale relationship puzzles in TFP and on that note, i'll say that relationships in general are complicated. Polyamory or monogamy or whatever you're into usually involves emotional connection at some level and when you start trying to restrain or allow certain behavior that conflicts with your emotions then your right and left hemispheres up in ye olde skull have a deathmatch. now tell me thats not complicated

 

I hear you there. I have a rule with my wife. She can sleep with any woman she wants, but I get to watch. She hasn't taken me up on it though.

 

It's very nice to see you, Seer666! Monogamy is considerably less complicated than any of the alternatives. People being what they are, though, IMO personally-moral "cheating" fuckers, should examine themselves before they get involved with anybody else. I used to do whatever I wanted when I "legitimately" had less freedom. I wouldn't change very much of it.

 

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? Why is it ok? The sure enjoyment of your SO with another woman?

 

ZS, while I can't speak for Suburban, to me it boils down pretty simple to "I don't care where she get's her appetite from, as long as she comes home to eat." The notion of people being solely attracted to one person and one person only is, frankly, kind of stupid. A minor flirtation with those attractions helps her/me blow off some steam, and we still get to make mad monkey l0ve without fear of STDs.