If I had a million dollars...

And who is Gopher?

 

I'd repair the body damage (below the front bumper) on my PT Cruiser.

 

C'mon, Ralphie. You can at least find a truck full of better beer than that. But I like the way you think.

 

remember im a redneck

 

I know that. Which is why you missed the most obvious redneck-truck-full-of-beer thing EVER:



Coors, son, Coors!*

Now you're going to have to excuse me while I go throw some groceries down my neck.

*circa 1980 when you couldn't get Coors east of the Mississippi and there was no such thing as Coors Lite.

 

YOU ARE CORRECT, .

 

In 1980 I don't think it would've been possible for Ralphie to enjoy a beer, or even think about beer, or anything.

I remember guys in Houston taking advance orders when they went on a "Coors run." The absurdity is apparant in retrospect. I also remember Urban Cowboy making Lone Star beer (liquid garbage) very popular.

 

Regardless of the title (which I assumed was a reference to the Barenaked Ladies song), the OP stated--

So I was answering as if I somehow stumbled onto say, $30-80 million.

Some other things I would do:

• buy front row tickets to all the concerts I want to go to this summer & fall
• get a condo or an apartment somewhere on the West coast
• hire a personal trainer to kick my ass when I get lazy​

 

Yes, this. And mine would be Jillian Michaels. I want her to scream at me.

 

she scares me

 

No--no, you wouldn't. You would buy a new car. And I would set your PT Cruiser on fire.

Nobody on TFP is allowed to drive a baby Hearse. Not on my watch.

 

The PT Cruiser looks like a hearse, specifically because it affords ample headroom for abnormally tall guys like me.

The length of my torso is well outside the normal range, so I find most cars pretty uncomfortable.

I'm not going back to having my head jammed up against the ceiling, or having to drive while leaning way back.

This PT is the first car I have ever liked.

Since they don't make them any more, I'm probably going to have to keep this one patched together indefinitely.

 

All tall guys are not alike. For example, someone my height, but with exceptionally long legs, would have different problems than I do.

Plus, notwithstanding the premise of the thread, I don't actually have a million dollars. And keeping a car running is almost always cheaper than buying a new one.

 

Uh, what? No. There is a huge diminishing return once a vehicle reaches like, say, 8 years in, dude. If you have any major repair bills, it is cheaper to ditch your dying horse for a better used model than it is to crutch it up and carry on.

Replacing the transmission on your 185k+ 2003 Cavalier is not a solid investment. Getting a 2005 Civic with 100k on it is a much better idea.

Cars are disposable, like cellphones. You run 'em until they hit a critical failure point and then get another one.