I can't be around you if...

OK. I've been meaning to overshare with y'all. I am with the same guy for 22 years, married 19 years to him.
We made a kid together. Farting during sex is natural and OK--not controllable. Farting whilst sitting next to him, snuggled watching a movie is not OK. It is uncool unless you are ill, so get up and move away. Being ill tho, trumps everything--behaviour rules pretty much go out the window.
For example. I was prego with our kid and at 9 months I was hospitalized with kidney stones. He held the container through which I peed so we could catch the kidney stone fragments after they ripped through and "passed." That is pretty intimate. He was also in the delivery room and he opted to watch them cut the kid out of my abdomen.
However, I don't fart in front of him and I don't want him farting in front of me (outside of in bed having sex). It stinks like shit and it's is not something for public consumption. I've never--not once--had the urge to fart in front of him--so I have not. He has done the SBD-type of farts but blames the dog(s) (riiiight).
He and I both burp (so what) but I say "excuse me" because I was brought up that way and I think having a manner or two won't kill you. He never says anything and our son takes after him--acting as if nothing happened. It doesn't bother me beyond gentle ribbing.
I also do not want him to walk into the bathroom and sit down and take a shit when I'm in there. It's not practical anyway as "my" bathroom is the size of a broom closet (half-bathroom) and the main bathroom is the one he and the boy use.

I am not prissy. Out in the country (as in the Ontario highlands) at 4 in the morning with 45 more minute to drive, I will tell him just pull over, I'll pee at the side of the road. He will hardly ever do that. He wants to find me a Tim Horton's. OK, whatever. Again, it's how I was brought up. I have a vivid memory of my grandma and me driving from here to there in cottage country--both of us had to pee so we had grandpa pull over, we walked across a field of high grass and squatted. (There were no Tim Hortons' in 1963.) It's never been a big deal.

I don't like the smell of feces. When I had to use an outhouse all summer in my growing up years because we didn't want to fill up the septic tank, I was not at all fond of it. I don't like vomit, either. Mine or anyone else's. However, I pick up dog poo...though I use a little shovel. I'm never going to even sorta be OK with handling feces or smelling them.

 

I belch quite vigorously and loudly. I've developed a great talent for it. I will keep it under wraps when I am out of the house, but at home - watch out! I don't apologize. No one around here cares.

 

So to get all serious with the can't be around you if...you are perpetually broke and whine about it. You don't have to have a job but some form of income/inheritance/sell a kidney/whatever.

Please don't give me shit on this one. No guns in the house where I can get them. In my much younger days that was the only thing between me and a murder charge.

No physical abuse of me or anyone else including the pets (especially pets and kids). No one hits.

No excessive drinking/illegal drugging to excess. No illegal drug using except cannabis. 'Excessive' means you are a problem user.

I don't to wish to live with a complete slob. I have some flexibility. With my son, he can keep HIS bedroom any way he wants but no food or empty cans that will draw bugs--no stench coming from there. Clean up your messes in the rest of the house and help with weekly/daily chores.

Have decent hygiene.

Try to have a sense of humour, even if you don't natively have one.

Don't be a dumbass. We all have dumbass moments but don't live your life that way.

 

I cant be around you if youre cruching cold cereal.
Really. Ill leave the room.

And if youre chewing gum, I might go ballistic.

 

Oh, girl... we were never meant to be. I love me some crunchy cereal.

 

Holy crap. Do you have any idea how good Chocolate Müsli, or Crunchy Nut cornflakes with added peanuts, tastes?

Do you?!

(My Keto'd brain is cursing me for thinking of this.)

 

My wife would live on cereal if she could. My daughter is identical.

 

I cannot be around you if you are brushing your teeth. No. No. No.

 

I like my cold cereal too. However, while you eat yours I will give you a sidelong glance and a huh while walking away.
I mean really, turn up the music to drown out your cavernish slurps, give me something to dance to!
And Hey! Another thing. I cant be around you if you cant live with that!
Otherwise, its mostly good.

 

huh?

 

The sound. It's like nails on a chalkboard to me. Just awful.

 

oh. How do you brush your teeth then? Or is this something you can tolerate on yourself but not on others? Like tickling.

EDIT: My god, please don't say you don't brush your teeth.

 

Dealbreaker: extremely poor oral hygiene. There. I said it. I'm shallow.

 

That's not shallow. At all.

 

I could have written this.

 

I consider something like excuse me, pardon me, sorry about that, etc. as good manners when you can't help belching or farting in front of me, or anyone for that matter. That's how I was raised. If your having gas problems, make it a balnket apology (I'm not sure that apology is quite the right word, but I can't think of a better one). If you know it's going to happen, make an effort to move away. Yes, gas is a normal and necessary bodily function, but that doesn't mean you need to share it.

 

I can't be around you if you don't organize your stuff. Seriously. You shouldn't have to spend 15 minutes looking for your registration in your car when you get pulled over. You shouldn't have to spend all afternoon digging through a filing cabinet to find your birth certificate or passport.

If you can't be bothered to keep your phone in one of three places in the house or put your shoes next to each other when you take them off, I'll probably either be doing it for you or attempting to glue or staple all your wayward items to the correct location in your house.

 

I can tolerate it on myself. I just cannot hear OTHER people doing it.