How to get over a tough break up

I'm just speaking in generalities. If I was this guy, I'd be done.

(and you're right, the thread was basically done-ski by post #5)

In practice, I've been done pretty quickly with a lot of people.

We gotta change up the "ditch the bitch" threads somehow.

Things start sounding like Robert DeNiro's speech in Heat.

 

*eyes glaze over, mouth opens slightly*

*snaps out of it*

Hey, I don't know about you, but I've been solving delicate problems involving tiny dicks, huge loads, screwy libidos and other genitals-of-megafauna-style problems since 2008.

You're my girl, Chelle. You're my girl.​

 

Not to mention sideways vaginas.

 

I see that you added the above to your post.

I agree, sometimes folks are too quick to jump on the dump him/her bandwagon, but I think for the most part TFPers do a good job of asking for the details before screaming "Leave 'em!".

 

Break the fuck up with her. Set here free to find someone who doesn't aggressively monitor every form of communication she uses and see everything as a slight to them, and don't date anyone again yourself until you've gotten professional help for your severe control issues and learned how to treat someone in a relationship as an equal rather than emotionally abusing them.

 

On the one hand, she covered it up-- a lie of omission, at the least-- and you found out indirectly. You may or may not have grounds previously for suspicion. On the other, you've been with her for two years: do you truly feel doubt that she slept on the couch?

You need to decide how severely your trust is shattered, and how strong it ever was in the first place. If it was strong to begin with, and it is not shattered beyond all repair-- and if you both are serious about wanting a future together-- then the two of you should go to relationship counseling. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. This incident may or may not be a dealbreaker for you, but if it is in any way not a dealbreaker, it can only be repaired with real work between the two of you. You need to not only rebuild trust, but to build it much more solidly and strongly than it existed previously.

However, if you are now realizing that your trust was never actually as strong as you thought it was, and you truly do not believe that she slept on the couch, then you have to go. And it has to be for real, cold turkey. Make sure you have all your stuff back, delete her from your phone and don't take her calls for at least six months to a year; unfriend her on Facebook, unfollow her on Twitter, and so forth. GTFO, and close the door behind you.

If this is the route you need to take, be warned it will be very hard. It will suck altogether for somewhere between one to three months. Don't be afraid to grieve. Let yourself cry, play sad songs, wallow in angsty sad TV shows or movies or books, etc. But also don't be afraid to start taking charge of your life and moving yourself on: take up a new hobby, read some new (non angsty-sad) books, take a trip if you can, hang with friends, and don't be shy of fantasizing about other women and giving yourself some one-handed massage therapy. But don't try to hook up with anyone new for a good three months: you need to be well on your way to getting over it before you're going to be good for new relationship opportunities, even pretty casual ones.

 

It's funny I thought about this too. On one hand I found out what I hoped I wouldn't find out. On the other hand I wished I never went looking for questions I didn't want to find the answers to. Ignorance is bliss indeed. If I hadn't read her texts I would have never found out. However, I've always taken the approach that perception isn't necessarily reality ( I'm a red pill guy). One thing is for sure though, I have been miserable the last week now that I know and it is over. In the future I will never go snooping again. MSD, you are right it was controlling of me to snoop around and that was a mistake. How did I emotionally abuse her though?

 

Perhaps the big takeaway here is don't substitute snooping (there really has to be a better word, one that doesn't sound so retarded; maybe prying? sifting?) for those awkward-but-necessary couch questions. If you have a bad feeling about something in your relationship, do a shot of something 100 proof and address the bad feeling instead of digging through someone's external internals looking for materials that could maybe just possibly justify your clenched gut. TFP is famous for the "Relationship Problem? Try Communication!" cliche but it really is the best way to handle things. It's honest, at least. So, if you learn nothing else, internalize this pearl from Wayne's World: If you spew [communication] and she bolts, it was never meant to be.

 

MSD, you make some good points, but you're turning everything back on TTG. The facts are (based on what TTG has told us, I'll reiterate we're only hearing one side of the story) his GF did lie several times and was at least in very close contact with a previous BF.

If you hadn't snooped you would still be with a GF who lied to you several times and possibly cheated on you. You're going to make this a lot harder on yourself if you start blaming yourself.

Was your snooping wrong? Yes, in a way.

Was your snooping justified? You had suspicions to start with. At the very least you confirmed that you were right to be suspicious.

 

Let's delve into the warm waters of the Paradox of Snooping.

WHEE!​

It's where you find out your wife craves intelligent conversation.

WHAT?​

It's where you find porn on your boyfriend's personal computer.

OH MY!​

It's where you find your roommate using Craigslist to buy drugs.

OH NO!​

It's where you realize that people value privacy in relationships.

Damn.​

...

I was gonna post some links on this 21st century love dilemma but the top dozen hits are from Yahoo! Answers and I can't bring myself to subject anybody to that hot jet of poo-poo. Maybe I'll go back and find that one grand debate thread on Reddit.

 

Not only to I like rogue49's post, I really like his post. Well said, sir.

Relationships are not strictly black-and-white. There are gray areas that contract or expand depending on the circumstances and situations. Dealing with these gray areas makes distinguishing right from wrong very difficult. The lines get blurred and sometimes a judgment call has to be made.

TTG, you had to make a judgement call. You need to accept the idea that you did what you thought was best under difficult circumsatnces and live with the results of your actions.

 

She had a Facebook message from someone asking to meet for lunch, you freaked out about it; she backed down and downplayed it and your description makes it sound like she was afraid of how you would react. She was texting with an ex who wanted to get back with her, she told him that she's in a relationship, and you're making the jump from her getting a ride from him and sleeping on his couch to her cheating. Controlling behavior and abuse are one and the same, it's not just the snooping i'm basing that on, it's that your examples that are supposed to show what she's doing wrong involve you actively if not aggressively monitoring her and dictatng who she is allowed to associate with.

 

And what about the cover-up stories?

If I had a GF being pursued by her XBF, and then she went out of town and wound up sleeping at his place, then lied about waht happened, I would seriously question her honesty about what actually happened or didn't happen. And I wouldn't consider it controlling or abusive behavior.