Help...does this sound ok? Question about relationship

Thank you

 

I'm just glad you came back to TFP to read what people posted.

Change isn't easy but this place will help you if you let it.

/guy that was helped by TFP way, way back in 2007

 

I am too soft for my own good and I have fear of even hearing him contact or call. I think I'll melt and keep going back. How do I gain the strength to let go? How do I tell him I know I'm not stupid. I am crying screaming and at the same time wondering do I dare give him the benefit of the doubt? Do I dare allow myself to cont to question what happened I'll always have it on my mind...I feel weak because I felt things for him and desperately wanted it to work...still do crazy yes!!! But I can't get the underwear out of my head. Why would it be ok for him to be with someone even if we had space for 1 week?? I am also not getting what went wrong.....I get I probably scared him too with talk of what we are etc...but man he asked for a break...then to me feeling bad and wanting peace, going over to talk and get my things to havign a nice night out, staying over things go so good to finding a womans panties in his clean laundry as him and I fold...Mostlikely has sex with his ex, cuz they aint my underwear........
I'm too soft in all relationships, I always say sorry first, give in and I always want peace but when do I say enough? I want kids a family and with my medical condition I fear that my clock is ticking too....I definately don't want to waste time. He was my first boyfriend because my whole life has been dedicated to my health, family and career. He brought out the things I liked the adventure the goodtimes and it hurts a lot cuz we did have a ton in common and enjoyed eachothers company. But things began to change when I wanted more and hes not ready.

 

No, you're not. You clearly think so, but his actions say otherwise. GTFO, while the getting's good.

 

Just take it one "no" at a time. It's incredibly difficult, especially when you truly care for someone. But, you are important, too. You remind yourself, "this isn't good for me or for him."

 

Let me echo the Thank You for returning to make follow-up posts.


Stay strong when you say no. Even if you cry like a baby after you walk away, hang-up, whatever. It will hurt, and it will take time.

We're a very diverse group here. You can get advice from folks with a wide variety life experiences. Some of the advice might even be useful . Just trying to insert a little humor.

 

Saying no hurts like a bitch sometimes. Fighting for your own self worth is scary if you've never done it before. Good news is you ARE worth it and it DOES get easier.

Get your stuff, block his number, mourn and move on. Your heart will thank you later.

And we'll be here to cheer you on from the sidelines. Do what's good for YOU.

 

Absolutely brilliant!! I wish that I could like your post multiple times.

 

Hello....here's some more....please feel free to comment. To all those who have posted so far-THank you I need the feedback even the ones that indicate desperation cuz I am....Ill tell you why.. History of Angela....I am a 2x cancer survivor, never been in a relationship before never had time or dedicated my life to health work and career and family,now 33 and looking to have a family one day. My fertility doesn't look promising but I'm hopeful. I want to find someone and get my life going because I worry about my life and future and each day I have here is a blessing. I rushed into him to enjoy life, hes given me a ton of fun, experiences and great times. We clicked a lot. But as time progressed I wanted more and friends began asking what we are...where is this going etc.. don't waste your time if you have goals you want to accomplish in life...etc.....I met him on dating site eharmony....

I also want to let you all know he has substance abuse problems with drugs, alchohol. Bad he smokes weed, has done cocaine once in a while, and can drink everynight well all summer he did.... He lead me to believe in the future by saying one day Ill let you meet my mom, you say good advice like my mom, you're gonna meet my family soon. He always treated me well and like a girlfriend until I began to question how come he doesn't call me one. That's where it started. Also my insecurities came from seeing pictures of his ex and him together on vacation at his friends house one night. He reassured me that we were together but couldn't answer why he still hasn't let go of her things, why she still has mail sent to his place, why he's still connected with her. When I began to question if I was a friend with benefits, all he could say was I'm crazy and that I let other peoples opinions sabotage things so that I am not happy and I take the happiness out of my life by doing this. Yes I was happy with him until now. But then when he asked for space after using me for a full week of seeing me 5days straight-it bothered me. He's very up and down and things are always on his convenience. From day one I have always gone from scarborough to Whitby to see him why well he has a house, makes sense no? I can't bring him to mine, I still live at home. I just feel like things have been a little one sided but I did it all with no regrets because I did truly fall hard and I did truly hope that we'd be ok. But then during our break (one week) I went by on the sunday, I called before and asked if I could see him. He didn't answrer. I saw a car infront of his house. It matched his exs car. I noticed she had the same car on fb. I put two and two together and made my mind. He kept making excuses to not see me until this past sunday. I went with the intent to make peace and for everything to be ok. It went well, he and I had sex I stayed over and I felt like things were ok. But then shows up the underwear in his clean laundry, not mine but assuming hers because he put it back in his drawer. I asked he said they were old prob from the basement. Then got mad when he assumed I was still not over it and got mad when he felt I couldn't let the underwear go. So I shut up, told him its fine and when I left like a puppy I asked him are we ok?? He said yes and said we will see eachother this week but maybe not so often that its good to take it slow.

 

Angela, no.

Make a clean break, as much as it can be clean, NOW.

 

So, we have lying, cheating, manipulative behavior, and now drug abuse....

Girl, this dude is bad news. You are better off without him. You need to learn to put yourself and your well being first.

 

This is what I'm struggling with right now how to be...How or what do I do or say to leave me empowered too to gain my self respect and esteem back. Cuz he left off peacefully and saying we'd be ok. I'm scared of when he contacts, if I'll get weak and continue with peace Because I wanted peace. Am I a hypocrite? when I left there sunday making it ok to have seen the underwear. How do I respond to him should he call or make contact this week? A part of me wants to tell him off. But I always lived a life being the better person. I just feel cheated out of giving so much and I keep asking what did I do wrong and where did it go wrong?

 

Don't even give him the option to call you. Block block block. Delete delete delete. Quit FB stalking. Cold turkey, girl.

From someone who has experienced shitty men like this, the best this is to SEVER ALL CONTACT.

YOU can do that. Empower yourself now. Decide. Unilaterally severing this toxic, no good "relationship". This is not what you have waited 33 years for.

There are good, great and amazing guys out there. Work on being ok with you. That desperation thing is true. The bad guys can smell it a mile away.

You can do this!

 

Well, first of all stop giving your power away. You drive your car. You control your life. No one else does. Have enough faith in your self and your decision making to know that you are doing what's right, and stick to your guns.

Tell him the relationship isn't working for you and you're moving on. That's it. You don't answer to this asswipe and you don't have to explain yourself to him.

Then do exactly that. Move on. If you need to do it, block his number so you don't even see calls or texts.

 

Yep, I'm going to add my voice to the chorus of "why are you trying to save this relationship?" voices. Ring, text,email if that makes it easier, but end it and do it soon. Go home, cry (or not...) and get on with your life.