Funerals: Do you go to them?

My rule is simple. If I would have gone to the person's functions when alive, I will go to their funeral.

An additional caveat is that if someone I care for asks me to go on their behalf I will, but that is for the survivor, not the body.

 

Yes, I go to funerals.

It'll be a mixture of my own feelings for the departed and my presence for the other mourners.

I'll second MSD 's tirade against unscrupulous undertakers. One time I was present - as close friend of the bereaved - and witnessed them tweaking the bill to my friend's limit, using words like 'respectful to the departed and to the other mourners' and 'appropriate reflection of your love' as if they were spanners. Back then, I'd never heard of Joffrey Baratheon, but my "Wanna SLAP'em into the middle of mext week" response was the same.

That's the thing - the chief mourners are not likely to be in their state of everyday competence. They might steill be Competent, but not in their everyday mode. That's when I reckon other people being around gives balance. Not 'ideal' balance as in some specific quality, but rather 'more rather than less' balance'. Like a trampoline. The canvas of "Dead ... Gone" is rigid, but the more springs connecting it to the frame of "The Living", the less awkward the bouncing and buffering. I'm not talking about active intrusion on privace, but on a "Known to be there if needed" function.

 

MSD nearly killed me. I often forget about the "receiving line" in which I typically have those very same thoughts. The funniest one I was ever in was at the gravesite for a little one... they put them basically in a styrofoam cooler-like thingie and it is at table height or so above the open grave with a green carpet to hide the hole. This old, histrionic nurse was sobbing and reached down to touch the little one... Her foot slipped into the hole, her hand shot down into the casket and little one popped up a bit. They had to pull her foot out of the hole. Everyone was snickering except the nurse, who only wailed louder. The family was trying to be polite, but they were cracking up laughing. I heard one person mumbling about her having "one foot in the grave". I NEVER get too close to the open hole anymore.

 

I love hearing the stories at funerals. I have not been to one since my grandmother passed away in 2009. That was the first funeral where I was just trying to hold it together. I had been with my mom all week prior handling the arrangements, at the wake, and even staying in her home. But it wasn't until the funeral started and they played Amazing Grace, her favorite song, where I had just wished I could have ran out.

She was very well respected and known, and for a small town of 800 people, the entire church was full to overflowing and more than 1500 come to pay their respects. Even though I hadn't wanted to be there any more, it was comforting to see the kind of impact she had had.

 

I know this is going to sound insensitive, but three years ago after my grandfather, grandmother and stepbrother passed away in the same month, I developed this name known as the Death Hat trick. I am sure everyone has a name for it, but If you know two individuals (related/not related) that have died within a few days/weeks apart, then you know someone else has to die in order for the hat trick to complete.

 

Or, selection bias, as us science types call it.

My ex-wife had this belief. She was so determined to see a pattern that when her gran and uncle died a month apart, she insisted that the whole family was under a cloud. This was PROVED beyond doubt by the death of the neighbour's cat.

 

I go when I'm expected to (family members), or when I want to offer support to the surviving family (close family, and close friends.) Funerals themselves don't really offer me any sense of closure at all. Depending on the situation, and my relationship to either the deceased or their family, I may go to visitation or send flowers (or a donation somewhere, if that's preferred) instead of attending the actual service.

 

I've been to numerous funerals, each with their own set of unfortunate memories; sometimes it's as mundane as hiring an incompetent funeral director...



...to screwing up the eulogy...



...but I know my own end is likely to not end well.

 

I was about 12 when my great grandma died. She was the first person i knew that died. I went to her viewing. Everyone was sad and crying except me. Most people assumed I was just in so much shock that I didn't know how to express my emotions...

I wasn't in shock. I wasn't holding in my sadness. My great grandma was in her 90's and spent the last years of her life in pain. It was time for her to go and I understood that and I took far more comfort out of that understanding than any amount of hugs and sorries could give me. I decided that day that funerals are not my bag and I'd rather say my good byes internally.

13 years later, after losing my great grandpa to a broken heart, my grandpa to colon cancer, a good friend to the noose, a few other good friends to pipes and needles, and even my grandma to emphysemia just this past April, I have not attended another funeral.

So many of you have said "I go if I have to." I can't understand that mentality. If somebody told me I had to go to a funeral, I'd tell them to fuck a goat. We all mourn in our own way and that shouldn't be up to anybody else to determine how one should show their respect.

 

I have a ton of funeral stories, but I'm not sure they'd be appreciated.
Both about what was discussed about the person who passed and also about what happened at the funeral itself.
It really is awesome to hear about how wonderful the person was in life... I was often asked to speak. I only did once.
There are just some things I cannot do, some things that are meant for family and for myself, not for those in general attendance.

 

I absolutely hate funerals for many of the reasons already brought up. The main one is that every funeral I have ever attended never celebrated the life of the individual. So if I can avoid them without catching too much heat then I do. And when its my time Im not ending up in a box. I want my ashes to be sent back home to Guam.

 

I don't do funerals, nor can I remember the last one I went to.

Figured early on that they are complete wastes of time and energy. As a member of the Abrahamic religions, I see little point in them since I see this life as very temporary.

The only funerals I would go to would be those of my direct family (father, mother, sister), my wife's, kids', and a very select number of friends; if any of them somehow to depart before I do.

 

While I agree with you in theory, telling my mother or grandmother to go fuck a goat is something I'd never even THINK about doing. Well...maybe I'd think about it. But I'd certainly never say it.

Even politely declining would've landed me in hot water when I lived in Ohio. Now that I'm in a different state, it's a little easier.

 

I think i've only been to 3 funerals (one was a tripple burial, completely shitty situation) and all of them were family members. At that point in time our family funerals ended up as mini reunions. I've pretty well disassociated with the majority of my family so I guess I haven't really felt the need to go to most of them. Personally, I'd rather be cremated and put out with the trash. If you want something to remember me by, plant a tree or something. I've never really understood burying a body in the ground and visiting the grave every year. I guess we all grieve in our own way.

 

not unless the person was directly related to me or was a very close friend and even then.... dead people are dead and i have more imporant and pressing appointments with people who will do more than just decompose in anger if i don't meet deadlines