Forever single...

I hate it when that happens.

 

i'm 38 and have been single for about 15 years. i dated a lot in my teens and early twenties, and then fell for a girl into a rocky relationship that lasted about a year and a half. we weren't right for each other in too many ways, but the connection we had was just cosmic and i promised myself i wouldn't get into a relationship again until i found the potential for that kind of connection again. i'm just not interested in getting involved with someone that i'd have to let down later if and when i've progressed along like i'm planning to in my life. i'd like to think this is more because of compassion than conceit, but you never know i suppose.

it's gotten harder into my thirties to even get started though because in my town you need a lot going for you to land a girl with a lot going for her. i constantly feel like i need to work more on what i have to offer before i can even get started. i remember when i dated around in college and h.s. all you had to do was be able to talk to a girl; now there's a lot more going on in terms of being judged fit to tie.

in the meantime, i'm happy enough with the friends and family i have and feel fortunate enough to have found out my gold standard and specifically what to look for. some people don't even get that once. i forget who said it but the saying goes that a life spent looking for real love/beauty is a life well spent, whether you find it or not.

 

Im so glad this topic came up, Im in the sameboat, Im 32 , almost 33, Ive gotten judged for not having gotten married yet, last year one of
my friend's mom's called me a spinster, and not even a few months ago, one of my aunts (related by marriage) said "So, youre not married
yet, no boyfriend....what are you just not interested ?" she's hardly spoken to me in years and chooses this to say to me.......
so yeah, I feel youre pain, whoever is struggling with this , theres been some awesome awesome advice going around here and stories that
helped.......I came close to meeting someone from an online dating site this month but he changed his mind once he found out that I smoke,
I told him that I want to quit soon but I just started a new job but did buy some nicorette gum, anyway, a few weeks ago a guy I was
talking to online finally wanted to meet me, he finally had his place to himself, but he asked me at the last minute and I already had
plans with friends , he stalled on meeting me also because of an injury and ended up in the hospital for a few weeks, I was doing my best
at being understanding and patient and then he got out of the hospital and a few days later wanted to finally hang out, but I had plans,
so after that he decided that it wasnt going to work out......I was also very frusterated and tired of waiting, but I was willing to re-schedule a new date and hope it would finally work out, but he decided to move on . Meanwhile two of my friends have new boyfriends that are moving in
with them, it seems to be easier for everyone but me at times, I dont understand whats going on, my male co worker has been complimenting
me alot lately on personality traits I have and its been making me feel alot better, even though he has a girlfriend *sigh* anyway lets all keep fighting the good fight

 

After very long time being single and sexless, this year I finally decided to challenge myself and go on the whole dating scene. It all started when an old friend from highschool that I caught up with for the first time in years and she was horrified to learn that I hadn't had sex in nearly 5 years, so she dragged me along to speed dating. That was fun, got a couple of dates out of it, nothing ever really panned out though. A month or two later I joined a web dating site and within a week I was meeting nice ladies, having sex, and started seeing someone. That didn't pan out, had a couple more dates with other ladies, and at the moment, I have too much other crap going on (Mother ill with cancer) and really have no idea what I want out of it all so I'm focusing on other things for a while.

My points to you are these: There is nothing wrong with being single on your own terms. Net dating sites are always there when you're ready, but you're going to have to go on a number of dates with a number of guys before you find someone who is right for you. You don't owe any of these guys anything, and you sure as shit don't have to wait for them just to go on a date. Date often, date different guys, have sex with them if you want to. Until you both make it clear that there's something there and you'd like to be exclusive, you don't owe them anything. I'm approaching 30 myself, so I guess I'm an adult (sure as hell doesn't feel like it), but one of the things I am embracing in my adulthood (allegedly) is being quite frank, open, and honest with people about what I want and what my expectations are, and a lot of the time that gets reciprocated, it really does save a lot of trouble down the road.

Don't view every failed date as some reflection on yourself. Just date for the fun of it, see it as a way to actually meet people and increase the chances you'll meet someone who is right for you

 

Chronically single as well... but I'm also just not interested in throwaway relationships and I'm just religious enough that marrying a gentile isn't really an option. So the net result is a fiddler crab bicep while I go about my life looking for a nice jewish psychopath and steadily improving my ability to restrain myself from throttling the JAPs.

 

Why njot frequent your local areas of worship? If you really are religious, someone will set you up.

 

That would be why I'm working on tolerating the JAPs without throttling them.

 

Once you go Asian... all other women seem significantly less moody, materialistic and superficial.

 

/Woody Allen'd

...

Hi, I'm Plan9. And I'm a serial monogamist. It's my Shakespearean fatal flaw. See, I used to get into year-long ultimately-doom'd relationships with fantastic women that perhaps had their shit in less of a state of together than I did. Now that I'm looking down the hall of a house I share with a woman I've been with for four years now, it seems like I've found something that I can work with, accept for its flaws or maybe I've just settled for something that isn't going to pull a Sir James Martin and bail the fuck out when I least expect it. So, anyway... I don't see anybody as a Forever Alone. The only people that are truly Forever Alones (those with triple chins and tons of emo tears) are simply those that are afraid to keep on truckin'.

We're all just swirling around in the atom smasher that is life. Find something you can bond with... ionic or covalent... and stick with it.

As the philosopher Outkast is fond of saying: "If what they say is 'nothing lasts forever,' then work makes love the exception."

 

I like to joke that I am forever alone, but only because I am so shy and awkward but to be honest, I just need someone who can instantly break me out of that shell... that'll be the person for me. I'm cool with being alone right now, I've got a lot going for me right now and truth be told, I'm more looking for a travel partner than a relationship. If something comes out of that then bonus but all good things come to those who wait.

 

Protip from a guy who has been there:

You don't need someone to break you out of that shell, you need to break yourself out of that shell.

The best relationships start with fully-realized people getting together and not playing fix'er-up.

I never used to drink. I never used to dance. I never used to start up random conversations.

I never used to be That Guy until I realized that I was missing out on my own existence.

Don't wait for somebody else to complete you. Be all the dumbass you can be today.

You'll never get anywhere unless you dance poorly and fart on a few girls, bro.

 

Allow me to rephrase... its more of a defense mechanism, maybe I should've said, someone who makes me feel comfortable enough that I don't need to be defensive. I usually poke fun at my awkwardness and shyness, it usually breaks the ice quite well with someone who feels the same. I'm a pretty good dancer, I can hold my own drinking and I usually have a don't give a shit attitude when I start random conversations, I usually have two rules when I meet someone, make them laugh first and be a gentleman afterwards. Had to bring up the fart story eh? I was horrified at the time, now its just funny as hell and I'm over it, gives me something to joke about the next time we hang out.

 

As someone who has been there, you've got to keep putting yourself in situations that you're really not comfortable with around the ladies. Trust me, over time, you learn a hell of a lot about yourself, and out of that find confidence in yourself. You know what you can take, you know what you can't, you know what you stand for, you know what you don't. Basically, you know who you are, and you feel totally comfortable in that skin.

 

This is what I've learned so far: I thrive in uncomfortable situations, the fact that I can poke fun at myself, elevates some stress for the ladies in the situation, I'm generally easy going so I don't take too much to heart and too much seriously. I'm comfortable in the awkward for some odd reason, there's no situation that I can plan to control to the point where I can be comfortable so I might as well just go with awkward because life is too boring being normal. I'd love for someone to just blow my mind but I'm desensitized to being blow out of the water, although there's reason to it being able to happen, I'm not ruling it out at any specific time or place.
--- merged: Nov 19, 2012 8:59 AM ---
Since when has this become me being social inept? I'm sort of taking aback by saying anything at all and maybe I should've just stuck to the OP. But hey... I'm a whore for attention. I'll just say, that I'm not a conventional dater by any means but I am not out there either, which means I have to play it carefully and tip toe along the lines of too awkward/unconfident/creepy to date and snarky/confident of the situation/self depreciating humour in order to succeed... unfortunately, I'm too cocky at this point and know what works for me and if you can't make fun of yourself, who can you make fun of?

But I digress because it seems my ego has clouded the OP. I honestly think that if someone is happy in all aspects of their life, maybe adding someone will either heighten or drag them down. Its up to the person to determine whether one can become more happy with another person in their life, or just have someone to share experiences with. All the power to the person that can figure out which one fits them or if they can find some medium that allows them to live life the way they want.

 

It isn't, perhaps a misunderstanding of the language you've used. In your first post you commented that you were shy and awkward and needed someone to break you out of your shell, then in your second you commented that it's a defense mechanism. A defense against what? That's a questions only you can answer.

I don't know you from the smelly guy on the train, I'm just merely responding to the language you've used. If you know exactly where your head is at and what you're doing, then all power to you man

 

Thanks Mick

 

Companionship is something I miss in a relationship. Having a stable partner is great, but being single also has its perks. I have been single for over 2 years now and am only thinking about getting into a relationship in the new year. I'm afraid of the hurt a relationship can cause. As like yourself, Im very happy and content with being single but I think I am ready to try a relationship.

Good Luck! I hope everything works itself out for you

 

Have you ever had any experience with the one that got away? That can happen when your mind isn't in the right place or you just don't have control of your life. I was a drinker for a lot of years, and mind-altering substances often have a way of screwing up the best things to come into one's life.
She was 25 and and ravishingly beautiful. She had a 2 year old son that was a joy to share with her. We met and became friends by way of things we had in common and a desire to do things together and find comfort in each other. I loved her (still do) and I know she loved me. But as I said, I was drinking in those days. She had already had a bad experience with a guy who drank. I was too attached to the alcohol to see that I couldn't have her that way. It was the constant trouble between us. It finally tore us apart and I have to live with the fact that my own lack of control was the reason for losing her. But she is the very same person that finally put me on the right track. I am 3 and a half years sober now, and even though I don't get to talk to her, I thank her every day for the gift of sobriety and for saving my life. I love you, I always will. You know who you are.

 

Marriage, schmarriage.
Live close, visit often.